MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE
by Mines of Salmon
Summary: One boy more meek than manly, one machine more beast than bolts, and one city on the highway to Hell come together for one story. A tale of crime, cars, sex, drugs, mayhem, and sex. Buckle up son, this ain't Anno's Eva. RATED T for TENUOUS GRASP OF PLOT AND CHARACTERS.
1. Test Drive

A/N: Sup, 1st chapter of my 1st story. Be gentle, be rough; just lemme know what you think.

"Hel-lo and wel-come to **Tokyo-3 South Station.**" blared a tinny female voice as the metro's PA system crackled to life, speaking in odd, clipped pauses, "Please stand be-hind the yellow line and watch for personal belongings as you board the train. Remember to accommodate other passengers and that groping is a federal offense punishable by law; now have a safe day!"

Shinji sighed as he looked at the cracked glass of the clock on the adjacent wall, mentally cursing himself for the nth time that day. He glanced at the now half-crumpled piece of paper in his hand. He needn't have opened it again to read it; he'd spent enough time perusing the other side of the message to engrave the image of the buxom woman into his young teenage mind. He'd been wary of his father's intentions when he received an ominous looking slip with the word COME stamped in black ink from the bastard, but he figured they couldn't be all bad if it included the promise of a woman who was obviously some sort of adult film actress.

Bored, he slung his bag over his shoulder and walked to a corner store, the setting sun casting an orange glow on his back. As he neared he heard the telltale cries of a pair of hookers looking for meal tickets passing by in flashy cars. Shinji, in a predictable display of shyness, attempted to unsuccessfully power-walk past them while keeping his eyes glued firmly to the ground.

"Can't believe these freakin' johns" said the red-haired woman of the night to her blonde companion "Been out here for hours and ain't a single chucklefuck stopped, the struggle is real."

"Ya got good days and ya got bad days" the blonde replied, taking a long drag of her cigarette "Whaddya gonna do?"

'_Jesus, Red's only got a bra and daisy dukes on._' Shinji thought as peered at the women out of the corner of his eye '_and what's with the hair dec and chopsticks? Isn't she cold? I mean it isn't hard to tell since her nipples look hard enough to cut ste-'_ His musings were cut short as the pair turned their attentions towards him.

"Hey" the redhead whispered as she spied Shinji from across the street "Watch me bag Sad Eyes over there." She tossed her smoke and called out "Heeeey big boy, you're lookin' a little lonely, want some company?" She ran her hands over her body for emphasis, inwardly smiling as she looked over the gullible bag of hormones that was about to become her paycheck.

"N-no I'm fine thanks." Shinji stammered as he tried to pull open the push door to the store "Have a nice night ladies!" was his final yelp as he disappeared inside.

"Aw shit" The woman sighed, a glum expression marring her face "I woulda had him."

"The kid couldn't 'a been older than 17, you in the cherry poppin' business now or somethin'?" her friend chided

"Shut up, wise-ass" was her blunt retort as she lit up another smoke "Fuck this town, whole place can go to hell for all I care."

The buzz of fluorescent lighting was the only welcome Shinji received to the store. The crusty owner gave him a peek from behind his newspaper, deemed him not worth shooting, and continued reading. Shinji grabbed an armful of snacks from the aisle, stopping as he found a pair of sunglasses. Smirking, he tried them on and looked at his dim reflection in the window. Cocking his eyebrow as far up as it would go, Shinji put on his best ace pilot face and began to strike poses with various finger pistols involved. He chuckled as he reached to put them back, when a blinding light came on from just outside the storefront.

"ALRIGHT BOYS," screamed a voice coming from behind the light "LET HIM HAVE IT." Just as Shinji began to take a few steps back, the storefront exploded in a maelström of glass and concrete. Having been blown back by the force of the blast, he could only look up in pants-pissing fear as the rest of the store was torn to shreds by violent streams of automatic gunfire. Crawling on the rubble strewn floor, Shinji desperately tried to look for a back door, and escape, anything to-. And, just as soon as it had begun, the assault was interrupted by another deafening blast, this time sending what looked like a car barreling into the store, right at Shinji. Summoning a burst of strength, the boy flung himself out of the way, staring in disbelief at the ashen wreckage of what was once an olive drab sports car, albeit one with several machine guns mounted to the hood. He looked on wordlessly, never noticing the figure coming up behind him.

"So, you must be Shinji." Asked the figure cheerily. After nearly shitting himself, Shinji jumped back and took in his assailant's form.

'_It's her! From the photo, what the hell?!_' Shinji struggled to collect his thoughts as the woman offered an outstretched hand.

"Misato Katsuragi, now come with me if you want to live." '_Always wanted to say that_' she added mentally. Within minutes they were barreling down the city streets in Misato's bright blue sports car, which Shinji noticed was also sporting quite a few guns in addition to military grade composite armor. "So, Shinji, tell me about yourself."

Shinji was currently holding onto the armrests for dear life. He was no stranger to fast cars, but the woman's lack of regard for anything resembling driving etiquette put the fear of God in him. "Not much to tell, I figure you already know I'm here to see my dad." For the first time since meeting her, Shinji gave the woman a good once over, noting her short black dress as well as the prominence of… other features. Never one to miss an opportunity for teasing, Misato sprang into action.

"Nice shades, do you always wear them at night or just when you're ogling girls?"

"I have a, uhh, medical condition"

"And I assume this condition prevents you from removing the price tag as well?" In the middle of cooking up another clever quip, Shinji's words died in his mouth as a row of bullets raked the car's right flank.

"KATSURAAAAAGIIIII" came a guttural cry from a sleek black shape pulling up next to them. Aerodynamic, yet twisted, it had with glowing spikes and green fin-like projections along with a large stylized logo in the shape of a white witch doctor's mask. And on top of the hovering craft was a dark figure brandishing a large machine gun. "THE SHOTS HAVE BEEN FIRED; MY BROTHERS AND I WILL DESIST NO LONGER. YOUR FATES ARE SEALED."

Bewildered, Shinji searched Misato's face for an explanation "Ah don't worry about ol' Zacky, he's all talk" She reassured him as she grabbed a microphone from the dash "ISN'T THAT RIGHT ZACKY. I'M HERE BABY, COME GET ME." Another barrage of gunfire peppered the vehicle, eliciting various alarms and flashing red lights. "Crap," she muttered "Auto-guns are offline, switching to manual" A rough lurch forward informed the duo that their adversary had reached ramming speed and was currently ravaging the rear propulsion systems. "Shinji!" Misato yelled "hand me a beer!"

"What?!"

"No questions dammit just hand me a friggin' beer!" Shinji quickly complied and tossed her a yellow can of Yebisu. She winked and tore the tab off with her teeth, shoving the can into a tubular component suspended between them. "Alright Shinji I'm gonna try something, when I tell you, I need you to hold the wheel steady, can you do that?" A nod and a silent prayer ensued. "Ok, strap in, kid" She continued as she produced a small black capsule with the letters "N-2" stenciled on it. Before Shinji could ask any questions, she opened up a small jar of what looked like water and jammed the capsule inside, which began to bubble and emit a bright, searing light. A crazed smile etched its way across Misato's face as the pair was thrown back into their seats by the sudden acceleration. Tears formed in the corners of Shinji's eyes as Misato made a sudden full 180, turning them to face their assailant as she shifted into reverse. "SHINJI TAKE THE WHEEL!" She gave him no chance to respond, leaping up from her seat to open a small cupola on the roof to aim a black metal tube. Shinji, to his credit, grabbed a hold of the wheel before they careened to a fiery death and held it in place for Misato's 90 MPH game of chicken with machine guns. "Jeez hold her steady Shinji I'm trying to get a shot off!" The boy offered no response; his gaze held captive by the effects of rough winds on an already short dress being worn by the woman above him.

FWHOOP. The comical sound of the launcher firing was quickly followed by the significantly less comical sound of multiple explosions and screeching metal. His eyes returning to the road, Shinji's gaze was greeted by the sight of a flaming hunk of metal tumbling end over end straight towards them. Strangely, the sight seemed to harden his grip on the wheel even more as he brought his foot down to meet the brake. In the blink of an eye Misato dropped down from the hatch, bringing the pair to a squealing halt as they watched the searing wreck sail over the hood of the car, sliding for several yards before coming to rest on the deserted street. "YES! COME GET SOME YOU FUCKS!" Misato cheered, banging on the dash and slamming the horn before sighing dreamily. Wordlessly, Shinji reached over to examine one of the many beer cans that littered the floor of Misato's car.

"What the hell is in these things?"

"40 millimeter high explosive shrapnel rounds. We order them in bulk this way, easier to get through customs."

"Uh huh." He collapsed into his seat, spent.

"Well I'm sure you've got a lot of questions for me." Misato chimed in, hoping to inject some levity to the conversation.

Face buried in his hands, Shinji offered only a muted "Nope."

"Really," she pouted, deflating somewhat at his apparent lack of excitement in comparison to her own "Nothing about the crazy guys who wanted to kill you or why we were in a car chase in an '85 Renault Alpine strapped with enough firepower to bring down a tank?" Shinji ran his hands through his hair, mincing words as though it pained him to say them.

"Look lady, mentally, I'm still somewhere in between here and shitting myself at the Quik-Mart. I don't know anything about any of these guys or why they want to kill me, or why I was sent to a deathtrap to be picked up by Xena the Road Warrior or whoever the hell you are, but rest assured I will include it in the nice long chat I'll be having with my father once I see him." Having spaced out during the monologue, Misato only caught the tail end of Shinji's little rant.

"Oh right, you guys haven't seen each other in a while. How many years has it been now?"

He sighed and turned his head to look out the window at the passing lights "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Oooh I get it, you're one of those mysterious, brooding types aren'tcha?" she teased "You and Rei will get along juuuust great." Little else was said for the rest of the drive, and before long the last of the sun's rays gave way to the pitch black grime of downtown Tokyo-3.


	2. Stick Shifts and Safetybelts

A/N: And here is capítulo dos of this gripping drama. I'm not sure if these things usually have soundtracks but whenever I picture these sorts of confrontations between Gendo and Shinji I can't help but hear this song playing in the background watch?v=19-n3nPs6u0 [TRIGGER WARNING: Link contains naughty words :(]

He expected not half of what he saw. A dumpy-looking brown rectangle of a building with the words "Ponzi's Tavern" hanging above in pink neon lettering? '_I always thought Dad's place would be a bit… bigger. But a dive bar of all places? Maybe he's fallen on hard times._' Shinji thought as he stepped out of the car and towards the dingy bar. He caught only a few whispers of the conversation between Misato and the bouncer.

"God's in his heaven." She remarked bluntly, as thought commenting on the weather.

"All's right with the world." was the abrupt response as he let them through. Unsurprisingly, the bar was occupied by only a handful of patrons drowning their sorrows to the tune of some old American jazz song coming over from the static-y jukebox. Something about moons or planets or whatever. Misato approached the elderly bartender, smiling what looked like a knowing smile as she placed her order.

"Hey Fuyutsuki, gimme a bottle of the top shelf stuff, It's been a rough day." Fuyutsuki smiled at her comment, and his unseen hands fiddled with something under the counter.

"Of course Miss Katsuragi, though by the looks of it" he gave Shinji a curious look "we've still got some excitement ahead of us." Misato nodded and motioned for Shinji to walk over to the ladies restroom with her.

He gave her a quizzical eyebrow from behind his sunglasses, to which she replied "Just trust me on this." A shrug and a few steps later they found themselves in the cramped middle stall of a musty public bathroom. Much to Shinji's chagrin, they spent most of their time trying to maneuver around the tiny space. "Ugh" Misato huffed, trying to wiggle her way past Shinji, who was straddling the toilet, "This is why I should have gone in first."

"You were the one who practically shoved me in here!"

"Whatever, just let. Me. Get. Through." She grunted as she leapt towards the toilet, effectively smothering Shinji with her chest. Finally, Misato wrapped her hand around the flush handle and pulled, looking pleased with herself. "Ah, there we go. You alright there Shinji?"

"Just dandy." came the muffled reply. Suddenly, the wall began to move and the toilet disappeared into the floor, revealing a set of stone steps down into the inner bowels of the bar.

"Welp," Misato said, blowing on her nails "You first." She shoved him playfully down the stairs, whereupon Shinji crashed through the door, totally unprepared for the sights that greeted him.

"What the Hell?" It seemed to be a lavish corridor styled like the inner rooms of an extravagant temple, only with the various rooms leading to saunas and bars and gambling tables and… other rooms through which cries of passion emanated from behind closed doors.

"C'mon kid, this is just one of the antechambers, we're headed towards the NERV Center. Ha, get it?" Seeing no evidence of laughter in the boy's face, Misato huffed and pushed him towards an ornate looking set of mahogany doors. With a sense of finality, Shinji heaved open the doors with all his strength, hoping to achieve maximum dramatic effect. '_Well he certainly is his father's son_' Misato thought as the young man stormed in. What Shinji was not prepared for however, was the sheer size of the room before him. Rows of ghostly young men and women tapping away at glowing computer screens led to an immense white pyramid whose brilliant gleam made it difficult to look at for long.

At the top of the pyramid, of course, was none other than the man of the hour. The Bastard King himself. Chieftain of Cruelty. Count of Cockbite. Master and Commander of the Far Side of- Well, you get the idea. There he sat, right leg propped up on the knee of the other, taking a leisurely sip of whiskey as two scantily clad women fanned him with oversized palm leaves. His tinted sunglasses may have obscured the direction in which he was looking, but the shit-eating grin on his face gave it away all the same.

"DAD!" Shinji declared, whipping off his own sunglasses "I'M HERE!" Receiving no immediate acknowledgment from anyone in the room, the boy looked around in exasperation. "WELL?!"

"Oh" began Gendo "Hello son, I didn't see you there." Fuming, Shinji opened his mouth again to give the man a piece of his mind.

"HELLO?! I COME ALL THIS WAY AFTER 10 YEARS AND ALL YOU'VE GOT TO SAY TO YOUR OWN SON IS HELLO?!"

"Woah woah" Gendo motioned with his hands and a duo of burly men appeared at Shinji's side, cracking their knuckles, "That's no way to talk to your father is it? Now come on, let's have a nice, civilized chat about what the problem is." Gendo lit up a cigar and blew out a puff of smoke, reveling in the grayish haze.

"The problem, father" he spit out the word out like it bit his tongue "is that my mother, the woman you married, is in the hospital and dying and not me or anyone else in the family has anywhere near enough to pay for the treatment. I came because I have no one else to turn to, and I hoped that maybe, somewhere in that rotten black piece of shit you call a heart, you still had some compassion."

Gendo snorted "Compassion, listen to this fuckstick. Compassion, he says. Listen kid, I don't know if you've been doping yourself up on the same meds they've got your mom on but I thought I severed all ties I had with her and her runt when I signed the divorce papers. Hell, she's lucky I still paid the alimony and put your sorry ass through school, not that you made anything of yourself." Shinji only stared in hard silence as the man continued. "So yeah, compassion isn't exactly the first word that comes to mind when I think about your dear mother's predicament. However, you and I both know I'd be lying if I said I wasn't in a unique position to help you out. But, rules are rules, and the rules around here are simple: pay my fee, or get the fuck out. Now you might be asking yourself: but Geeeeendooo" he put on an exaggerated whiny voice "I need money to begin with, whyyyy would I want to borrow mooooore. And the answer is simple, not all debts are paid in cash, you understand? You want to be the hero, save your dear old mama's life? Go ahead, I'll trade one life for another, makes no difference to me."

Another motion and the two bodyguards held Shinji firmly in place, preventing him from making any sort of movement. "Now despite you being what's-her-face's runt and all, I still look out for my own flesh and blood, especially when they possess certain… talents that I can make use of in my organization."

"What are you?" Shinji muttered. Gendo waved at a nearby tech.

"You there, inform the young Mister Ikari of our contributions to the community."

The young tech breathed in and began reading a set of headlines from the local newspapers "Gendo Ikari, legitimate businessman, donates large sums to housing developments in poverty-stricken regions of the city. Gendo Ikari, venture capitalist, opens his own joint orphanage and animal shelter, brightening the lives of many in Tokyo-3. Gendo Ikari, captain of industry, presented with keys to the city by Mayor Sadamoto himself."

With another wave the tech was silenced. "I am the King. I am the House. And if you get any ideas about double-crossing me I am the motherfucking Sword of Damocles hanging above your head, boy."

"So then what do you want from me?" Shinji interjected desperately.

"What do I want?" Gendo commented, mockingly pointing a finger at himself, "I just want to give my dear son an outlet. You put on those puppy dog eyes all you want; I know there's a fire inside. Tickets and court summons for every traffic violation in the book sans manslaughter. I've seen the footage, you're a regular speed junkie, and today's little episode brought back all those juicy tingles didn't it?" Without warning gigantic screens all around the room lit up to display the same looping image: one of Shinji _snarling_ at the camera in a frenzied smile while gripping the steering wheel of Misato's car with the subtitles [REVVING INTENSIFIES] blinking underneath.

"What I want is simple." Gendo continued "Drive for me, Shinji. Races, transport, wherever I can find a use for your talents. Drive for me, and rest assured, Yui will make a full recovery."

"If I do this, how do I know you'll make good on your end of the deal?"

Gendo's sneer was threatening to leap off his face at this point "You'll just have to trust me. Also, whether you like it or not, you've already indebted yourself to me due to you and Katsuragi's little fiasco with the Angels today." Gendo waved and the images on the screens switched, now playing a video of a masked man holding a young woman at gunpoint.

"I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING THIS IKARI SO LISTEN UP! YOUR KID AND THAT PSYCHO WHORE KILLED TWO OF MY BROTHERS TODAY. IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR LITTLE DOLL IN ONE PIECE, TELL SHINJI IKARI TO MEET ME AT OKAZAKI PLAZA AT ELEVEN, NO EXCEPTIONS." The man, obviously more than a little tipsy, waved the pistol extravagantly before poking the barrel at the blue-haired girl in his arms. She seemed unusually calm, almost bored, and looked to be making no effort to escape from her captor's clutches. Shinji, however, ignored these facts in favor of other attributes.

'_My God, she's so… pale. Like skin decanted from alabaster and porcelain. Wild tufts of azure obscuring a sculpted pixie-like visage sporting gentle curves and soft, pink lips. And those legs just go on and on and-_' his reverie was interrupted by the snapping of Gendo's fingers.

"You still with me, kid?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'll do it." Shinji answered, a hint of determination building in his voice.

" Anyway, my main guys are all tied up taking care of some business on the west end, so you'll be riding solo on this one. Think of it as a test of loyalty. Beat the bad guy, save the girl, seems right up your alley, no?." Gendo added as he blew out another puff of smoke.

"And how am I supposed to do that, exactly? I've raced before but not with all these guns and crazy shit."

Gendo smiled again. "That's where Eva comes in. Ritsuko!" he called out to a woman in a lab coat who materialized next to Shinji. "Show our newest ace pilot to his chariot."

"Of course" she replied with a sultry smile. She and Shinji turned to leave the room before Gendo interrupted with a final comment.

"Remember kid, I'll be watching, so I expect a good show. Now go on and get the hell out." The doors opened and shut and Fuyutsuki's stern form appeared behind Gendo, who smirked.

"Got him."

"I don't approve of all the theatrics, but I suppose it got the job done." Fuyutsuki sighed.

"Bullshit, I can smell a goody-two-shoes white knight at fifty paces, and that's Shinji through and through. As soon as he saw our damsel in distress up on the big screen he fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Plus, it's not as if Rei's in any real danger."

"No, I suppose not. She did learn from the best, after all."

Another smile "Yes, yes she did."

Ritsuko escorted Shinji to another level of the complex, one alive with the sound of machines and mechanics. They eventually made their way to a room sealed off by a thick metal door, which she opened by tapping a code into a nearby console. The barrier parted open to reveal a darkened room, which Shinji uneasily stepped into. "So what am I supposed to be driving exactly?" he asked as he tiptoed along the floor, bumping into something hard and metallic.

Ritsuko chuckled "Not driving, piloting." Bright lights switched on to reveal a strange-looking green and purple craft of some sort. It sported a large turbine in the rear as well as several pylons and a truly monstrous triple intake bug catcher that stuck out like a horn from the front. Stenciled in official looking letters were the words 'UNIT-01' on the sides. "The Evangelion Mark I Terrestrial Combat and Reconnaissance Package. Originally a dream cooked up by military R&D preparing for a future war of some sort, the fruits of their labor have fueled a rebirth in underground racing and narcotics trafficking." She smirked at the look of awe that was plastered across Shinji's face. "You saw a few of the knockoff models being driven by some Angel goons earlier today. Rest assured this is the real deal. This is the culmination of decades of research and billions of yen, and it's not just on the outside either." The two moved to get a closer look at the transparent teardrop-shaped cockpit that housed the controls. "A state-of-the-art AI scans your biometrics and through advanced electrodes and monitors in the cabin, will 'sync' with the pilot. Basically, the more focused and determined you are in completing your objective, the better the machine will respond."

Risuko tapped a command on her tablet and the spherical cabin opened with a hiss. Slowly, Shinji climbed in, settling down in the squishy material of the seat before closing the top.

"It feels like I'm floating in water." He thought out loud as he looked up at Ritsuko "Shouldn't I be wearing anything, I dunno, special when I'm driving this thing?"

She tapped a pen to her lips in contemplation "You don't have to, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to give you a protective flame-retardant suit of some sort. I can put in an order for you." She smirked as she watched him slide his hands over the command console. "What color would you like it in?"

"Blue, with uhh red inlays. And can I get a logo in the front?" he responded quickly, conjuring heroic images in his head of himself beating up monsters in a ridiculous super suit.

"Sure" she replied, not really listening. Suddenly, a scream was heard coming from the doorway.

"HOLY CRAP!" yelled Misato "WHEN DID WE GET ONE OF THESE THINGS?"

"We've been working on it for some time now." said Ritsuko, watching her friend bounce around the Eva.

"And you didn't tell me?" Misato pouted, looking hurt.

"It's all been kept very hush-hush. But if I had to guess I'd say Gendo's been waiting for a proper candidate, and seems to think his only son fits the bill."

"Lucky." Misato continued as she turned her attention to the boy inside the cockpit "So, Shinji, are you all fired up and ready to rescue Rei?"

Any notion of the supposed rescue had all but escaped Shinji's mind, which now snapped back into business mode. "Right, but I'm not even sure how to drive one of these things" he lamented as he gestured towards the complex-looking controls "this isn't exactly a stick shift, you know."

"We realize the suddenness of the circumstances that brought you here, which is why we've put certain limiters and neural blocks to help ease the strain on the maiden voyage. You won't have access to a large portion of the weapons suite or some of the more advanced features, but we feel these are necessary sacrifices so you can aptly perform the most important task: piloting the craft." She punctuated her statements with a few taps of her tablet before continuing. "Alright Shinji" Ritsuko pointed to the keys on the dashboard "Start her up."

An unearthly high-pitched whine echoed throughout the room, quickly replaced by a deep rumbling as the craft began to levitate a few feet off the ground. "Though Unit-01 is certainly capable of hovering, we recommend that you stick to the multi-wheel drive until you get used to piloting. Just pull that red lever to your right." Shinji nodded and a set of heavy-looking wheels descended from underneath the chassis, firmly setting down the craft and silencing the main thrusters.

"We've got a support team here on standby and I'll be talking you through the process all the way." Ritsuko appeared on a small viewscreen inside to cockpit to reassure Shinji. "You've got a little over an hour before your meeting is supposed to take place, what would you like to do?"

"No time like the present" Shinji grunted as he gripped the steering wheel and revved the engine. He took a moment to call out to Misato. "Any reason you aren't on this mission too?"

She scratched the back of her head and giggled. "Yeah, about that. My car got busted up pretty badly and it'll probably be in the shop for a few days. You'll be flying solo on this one. Look on the bright side: you'll get all the glory of rescuing her highness from the big bad dragon."

Shinji nodded and turned his gaze to the opening gate resolutely. "Cage One now opening, bio-link with pilot established." Ritsuko called out, checking readings on various monitors, "limiters engaged EVA UNIT 01, LAUNCH!" Shinji gunned the engine and flew out of the gateway, coming to a stop in the large metropolitan sewer system of Tokyo-3. Misato's face popped up on the viewscreen. "I've marked the location of the meeting place on your GPS. Godspeed, Shinji." He nodded, and with his heart in his throat and a silent prayer on his lips, he began barreling his way towards (probable) death.


	3. Crown Vic

A/N: Wuddup, got some more science to drop on you fools today. Also, for any uncultured philistines unskilled in the use of Google, the song in the beginning is Mary Jane's Last Dance by Tom Petty.

"_Drenafil, the all natural solution to your weight loss needs!_" *KRRR*

"_I tell ya, trading a player like that this late in the season is about one of the dumbest-_" *KRRR*

"_And he's here, in the studio, talking about his new movie-_" *KRRR*

"_She grew up in an Indiana town. Had a good lookin' mama, who never was around."_

"Ahh, that's better" Kensuke sighed as he slumped back into his seat, tired of fiddling with the car radio.

"_But she grew up tall and she grew up right, with them Indiana boys on them Indiana nights._"

"I'll never understand your taste in music, man" Touji replied from the driver's side, taking a sip of his beer.

"Well you shouldn't, might fry all both of those brain cells you've got swimming up in there. The machinations of my mind are an enigma." Kensuke retorted with exaggerated hand motions.

"Whatever you say, Ken."

"So how's the wife treatin' ya?"

"Hikari's fine, she worries about me from time to time but it's like I tell her: there isn't too much excitement on the job. I mean when was the last time we really went after anyone?"

"True, true." Kensuke went, taking a swig from his own bottle "But it ain't like I'm itching to get shot at or anything."

"So how about you Ken? I bet you've got a line out your bedroom every night with that geeky otaku charm of yours." Touji snorted.

"Hang on man this is my jam right here." Kensuke paused as he turned the volume knob up on the radio, fully intent on echoing Tom Petty in broken English. "LAST DANCE WITH MARY JANE, ONE MORE TIME TO KILL THE PAIIIIIN~" he wailed, adding an air guitar riff for good measure "I FEEL SUMMER CREEPIN' IN AND I'M TIRED OF THIS TOWN AGAIIIIN~"

"Jesus, dude" Touji chuckled as a bulletin on the scanner interrupted Kensuke's imaginary solo.

"_Any cars in the vicinity please respond we have reports of gang activity over at Okazaki Plaza, repeat, any cars in the area investigate the premises._" relayed the female operator on the line. Touji quickly picked up the transponder on the dash as it clicked to life.

"This is Officer Suzuhara, my partner and I are patrolling nearby, we'll be taking a look at it, over"

"_10-4 Suzuhara, good hunting._"

Touji smiled. "Well Ken, looks like you and I have a job to do."

"Ha, gang activity my ass," Kensuke laughed "bet money that it's some crackheads in a scuffle over who dropped the rock in the bushes."

"Well then it'll be an easy bag-n-tag and we'll have done another service to the community worthy of addition to our record."

Smiling, Kensuke put on his standard-issue cap and flicked on the siren "Alright, Officer Suzuhara, let's roll out." Touji started up the car and they were off on their way towards the origin of the call.

* * *

"Could you change the radio station?" Rei asked quietly, not even deigning to turn her attention away from the window. Well technically, the vehicle was ALL windows, so it was hard to not look out of one while you were inside. Such is life when you get kidnapped by an Angel goon who likes to drive around in a friggin' glass dreidel or whatever the hell it was she found herself in.

"HEY!" yelled her captor, wantonly swinging around his pistol "I'M THE KIDNAPPER, YOU'RE THE HOSTAGE. I MAKE THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE, NOT YOU."

"Alright, alright take it easy." Rei continued in an annoyed tone "I'll just do it myself." She reached over and switched off the inane sports chatter she'd been a victim of for the past hour or so, finally settling on an American classic rock station. "Ahh, that's better."

"HEY, WHAT GIVES? I TIED YOUR HANDS UP!"

"Well maybe if you could tie a knot worth a damn then we wouldn't be in this situation" Before the Angel mook could respond, a blinding white spotlight appeared at the top of the hill, followed by a young man's voice coming from a loudspeaker. "Calvary's here." Rei remarked in an interested monotone.

"YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES." Shinji quipped, eager to make the bastard pay.

"Oh jeez," Rei groaned, bringing her palm up to meet her face "We've got another thespian in the family."

"IKARRIIII" the kidnapper screamed "I, RAMIEL OF THE DOWNTOWN TOKYO-3 CHAPTER OF THE ANGELS, HAVE BEEN AWAITING THIS FATED MEETING."

"WELL, MISTER RAMIEL, IT LOOKS LIKE THERE MIGHT BE A FAULT IN YOUR STARS TONIGHT."

"Christ," Rei scoffed, growing increasingly more impatient with the squabbling pair, "Enough with the macho posturing bullshit already!" Annoyed, she thumped an important-looking red button on the command console of Ramiel's craft, causing the windows to turn an opaque blue from the outside and elicited a high-pitched whine from the N2 drive.

"OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Ramiel shrieked, his attentions now torn away from Shinji. From Shinji's perspective in Unit-01, it appeared as though Ramiel suddenly darkened the windows to his octahedral craft and made a lunge for Rei!

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Shinji cried out "Main cannons, online!"

"ACCESS DENIED" replied the curt female AI.

"What?! Ok, Sidewinder missiles begin tracking!"

"ACCESS DENIED" it repeated.

"Holy Hell" Shinji grunted, reaching the end of his patience. "Ritsuko!" he yelled as he brought her face up on the viewscreen "Are there any weapons on this fuckin' thing that I DO have access to?!"

Ritsuko looked down for a moment at her console, more than a little annoyed at being ordered around by a teenager "You get a grappling hook."

"A grappling hook, great, just freakin' perfe-" Shinji's rant was interrupted by a flash of brilliant multicolored light that rocketed from Ramiel's ship, vitrifying the asphalt near Unit-01 and swishing around to neatly slice a liquor store in half behind him. "Alright, a grappling hook will have to do then."

Shinji gunned the engine, narrowly avoiding another blast from the ship, desperately trying to find an angle of attack. His opportunity came in the form of three spidery stabilizing thrusters that stuck out from underneath Ramiel's craft like comically tiny legs. Determined, he sped straight towards the vehicle, boy and Angel now resembling a bull and matador.

"OH GIVE ME A BREAK KID. REALLY? YOU'RE GOING TO TRYING RAMMING ME?" Ramiel shouted as he attempted to wrestle the controls away from a thin waif of a girl. To precisely no one's surprise, Ramiel simply elevated the craft, narrowly avoiding a collision with Unit-01. What did surprise him, however, was the violent jolt his craft experienced as it was pulled to the ground and dragged along the asphalt.

Shinji whooped "HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH!" He really hadn't expected his plan to work so flawlessly, with the hook having latched onto the _exact _point where he'd wanted it to go. Weird. He continued to drag the craft behind him, then detached the hook and watched the now beaten prism make a few more feeble tumbles along the street. Without a moment to lose, Shinji jumped out of Unit-01 and dashed towards the wreck. He pried open the emergency hatch to find Rei and Ramiel shaken up but relatively unscathed, though the latter was knocked unconscious.

Not too concerned about the subdued criminal, Shinji focused on carefully carrying Rei out of the wreckage. '_She's even more beautiful up close.'_ Shinji thought_ 'And she has that intoxicating girl smell. It reminds me of-_'

"You know I appreciate the rescue and all but that's a pretty disturbing look to be giving your own sister."

Shinji nearly dropped her. "My sister?!"

"Yep." Rei replied nonchalantly as she dusted herself off and began walking "What, you think a guy who gets around like Gendo would really only have one kid? Smarten up Sad Eyes."

Shinji had no words as he trotted behind her to Unit-01 '_Jesus Christ, a sister?_'

* * *

"So Ken, you never answered my question from before" Touji said as he rounded the corner to Okazaki Plaza "I know you got your eye on someone but you keep dancing around the subject like a fuckin' 14 year old."

"Well I uh" Kensuke stammered "I don't exactly _know her, know her_, ya know but I do know that she's one of Gendo's girls."

Touji sighed "Now Ken we had this discussion already, just because the stripper smiles at you doesn't mean she likes you."

"It ain't like that. She isn't a stripper or a chickenhead, she's… she's something but I see her rolling with Gendo's boys from time to time near Ponzi's."

"Methinks someone's developing a little stalker crush."

"It ain't like that; I don't even know her name." Kensuke sighed a dreamy sigh "But I call her Angel."

A derisive snort. "And this Angel of yours, what's she look like?"

"She's pale, like sculpted moonlight, but what really comes at you is the blue hair that she wears in this pixyish devil-may-care bob. She's a bit on the thin side-"

"A bit short too, right?" Touji interrupted "Likes wearing this one little black and white number like she's going clubbing or something?"

"Hey that's a pretty good guess man, you sure you're not the stalker?"

"No you clown I'm fucking looking at her!" Touji forcefully turned Kensuke's head to the crime scene, where his 'Angel' was talking to an unseen figure, who was pointing to a weird purple-tank like vehicle a few yards away.

"Holy shit, an Evangelion!" Kensuke exclaimed "I thought all the official schematics were scrapped years ago! This is insane, I have to get pictures for my blog!"

"This is not the time or the place Ken" Touji grunted angrily, drawing his pistol at the two suspects standing not ten feet away from a smoking wreck. "Put your hands behind your head and walk towards the vehicle slowly."

"With pleasure, officer." Rei responded "You might want to inspect the crash, though" she gestured towards the now distorted prism "There's an Angel goon inside you might like to have a few words with."

"Officer Aida, apprehend the female suspect, I'll go take care of her accomplice."

"Are we even sure what really happened here?" Kensuke asked, looking around at the rubble strewn streets.

"Dammit Ken, we'll ask questions at the station; just do your job!"

Nodding, Kensuke approached Rei and gingerly attempted to handcuff her. She was so thin, up close she looked borderline malnourished and had an unhealthy red tint to her irises. It wasn't uncommon to see young women in this state walking the streets at night, and any number of factors could have been to blame for the way she turned out. The city had a way of sucking the hope of people like that. But she was the kind of girl who wanted, no, _needed_ saving. And by God, Kensuke was going to be the one to do it.

"Damn straight." Kensuke thought out loud, punctuating his internal monologue.

"You say something?" Rei asked as the pair walked back to the police car.

"So uhh, what's an angel like you doing out here this late at night?" was his stunning attempt at a recovery.

"Oh, you know, guiding lost souls from temptation, delivering them from evil, that sort of thing." she sighed as Kensuke opened the door to the backseat "Everybody gets one, even the bad guys."

Meanwhile, Touji cautiously approached the man who Rei had been speaking to before the arrest.

"Alright shitbag, get down on the fucking ground and put your hands behind your head." He threatened "I see you so much as twitch and I will not hesitate to blow you away."

'_Hold on, I recognize that voice_' Shinji thought as he cowered on the floor. "Touji, is that you?"

Touji stopped dead in his tracks, bringing his pistol up directly at the suspect now.

"Who are you and how do you know my name?" he demanded.

"It's me! Shinji! Shinji Ikari! We used to go to school together!"

And in an instant, a flood of memories knocked Touji's brain on its metaphorical ass.

"No fuckin' way! How long have you been in town?"

"I just got in yesterday!" Shinji replied cheerily, now getting up from the ground "How've you been man?"

"I've been good, I've been good, ya know I'm in the force now, makin' some bread, climbing up the ladder. Ya know how it is."

"Hey that's great man."

"Yeah, and you'll never guess who joined up with me."

"Who?"

"Kensuke, four-eyed bastard's in the car as we speak."

"Fuck outta here, that's fuckin' awesome."

"Yeah, s'pretty cool." Touji turned his attention to the sparking wreckage of Ramiel's ship "So, uh, you mind tellin' me exactly what happened here?"

"Some dusty-ass, bitch-ass clown was tryna mack on my sister on some suspect rape type shit" Shinji lied "You know I had to set his ass straight."

"Good shit man; you know how real it gets out here."

"Well you know how it is, young buck gets his name out there, and all types of goons start comin' out the woodwork lookin' for him" Shinji cracked his knuckles for emphasis "And sometimes they might not like who they find." He tried to hold back the tears with a mental addendum. '_Note to self: cracking your knuckles fucking hurts_'

"Okay, I see you." nodded Touji approvingly "Hey, Stone Cold Killer, mind helping me drag the perp back to the car?"

Minutes later, Rei and Kensuke's awkward silence was broken by the shoving of two men into the backseat by Touji.

"Ken, you'll never guess who Suspect B is."

"Surprise me." Kensuke answered in a bored tone.

"It's me you fuckin' four-eyed prick!" cheered Shinji from the back.

"Holy shit, no fuckin' way!" And a cavalcade of male bonding ensued while Rei sat looking annoyed in the cramped police car. She pretended to rest her head on Shinji's shoulder as she whispered in his ear.

"Keep them talking, I've got a plan." But Shinji barely heard her.

"Hey Shin," called Kensuke "So did Officer Homunculus over here tell you he got hitched?"

"Fuck outta here! Touji is he for real? Bet money it was Hikari."

"It's for real all right" Touji replied, holding up his ring finger to give Shinji a better look "Happily married for comin' on a year now."

"That's great man, so how did you guys end up in the force?"

"The bar for standards of entry got real low after the Second Impact and all. Hell, most beat cops you'll see out on the streets are around our age. But it ain't all bad, means even losers like Ken get to roll with Tokyo-3's finest. Ain't that right Ken?"

"Bite me."

Shinji heard a click, and realized that both his and Rei's handcuffs had come undone.

"Don't say a word" she whispered "Just follow my lead." Rei brought her head up and put on the most hurt and vulnerable face Shinji had ever seen. "Officers, I don't feel too well, could I step out for a minute and…take care of some business."

"Sorry" Touji barked crisply, "Rules are rules."

"Aw c'mon" Kensuke pleaded "The little lady's obviously feeling bit distraught after the night's events, plus I know you don't wanna clean up any messes in the backseat."

Touji rolled his eyes. "Alright Cap'n Save-A-Ho." he made a show of getting out of the car and allowing Rei to step out. She took a few light steps and pretended to stumble before finding a spot behind the car.

"Could you please turn around?" she asked, looking more like a broken bird than a girl.

"Fine." Touji muttered under his breath "Women."

A second later he dropped to the ground via a swift chop to the neck.

"I'll be taking that" Rei whispered as she swiped Touji's pistol from the holster. She opened the driver's seat door and climbed in.

"Hey Touji, what happened with Angel-" was all Kensuke managed to say before getting pistol whipped in the face. "Aw fuck" he moaned, spitting blood.

"And for good measure" Rei breathed in and shot the police scanner, rendering the radio useless. "Alright Shinji, let's go."

Shinji, for his part, was scared shitless. He'd been having the time of his life reliving memories with his pals from sandbox days. Sure he'd been handcuffed and stuffed in the back of a police cruiser but he wasn't in any hurry to get out. Nevertheless, he scrambled out the door and started on his way back to Unit-01.

Meanwhile, Kensuke's world was distilled into the pain in his cheek and the ringing in his ears. Out of confusion, he opened the passenger door and collapsed on the sidewalk, bleary-eyed and bewildered. He felt a movement on his waist and his hand darted towards his service pistol, which stopped once he felt the barrel of a gun press up against his chest.

"Ah ah ah cowboy" said the soothing female voice above him. "It's a little too late to get it up now" His vision cleared to reveal Rei's nigh-imperceptible smirk as she squatted above him. He put his hands up and allowed her to reach around his hip and pull out his gun. Wordlessly, she pulled back on the slide, ejected the magazine and watched as the bullets scattered across the asphalt before tossing it back in the squad car.

A nervous chuckle. "Are you an Angel?" Kensuke asked, arms hanging limply at his sides.

"Yeah, I'm an angel" she replied with a smile "I'm the Angel of Death. So watch yourself Officer-" she paused to poke at his badge with the barrel of her gun "Aida, because your days are numbered." Rei then slipped Kensuke's handcuffs around his wrist and chained him to the car door. "Everybody gets one Officer, remember that." She chuckled and reached over to pluck Kensuke's hat from his head, donning it herself before walking off.

Kensuke looked on, speechless, as his Angel strutted towards the Evangelion with Shinji, before the pair sped off into the night.

"Shit, I forgot to ask her name."

Several blocks away, Shinji was trying to grow accustomed to driving the Eva with a passenger in a cabin only meant for one.

"I know it's too late to take back all those perverted fantasies, but I am not sitting in your lap all the way back." Rei said, annoyed.

"Believe me, it's not like I planned any of this." Shinji shot back "Jesus Christ, a sister of all things."

"Half-sister." Rei clarified "Don't ask me about Mom, though, never met her."

"God, our family is fucked up."

"Yeah, yeah we'll get together and have some prescription meds and group therapy when this is all over. Right now we have jobs to do, so drive."

On a pyramid deep underground, a certain bastard was playing and replaying the night's various events on a multitude of viewscreens.

"All in all," Fuyusuki asked "how would you rate the performance?"

A crooked smile. "Outstanding."


	4. Pedal to the Metal

A/N: I guess this is a daily thing now. Today Kensuke's musical interlude comes in the form of ASAP Rocky's Trilla, which is a great driving song even if you aren't in the desert surrounded by chicks in fur boots and Mad Max gear.

"I'm home." Shinji called out to the empty apartment, setting down a bag of groceries in the kitchen. Receiving no response, he examined a note from Misato on the fridge.

'_Out on official NERV business, be back whenever 3_' it read in bubbly handwriting. Nodding inwardly, Shinji took a seat on the couch, the TV providing a soundtrack as he reflected on the events of the past week.

* * *

"Fantastic first run, kid." Gendo called out, performing a slow golf clap as Shinji approached the pyramid. "We've got an Angel lieutenant out of our hair and behind bars and you got back your sister and the car without a scratch on either. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were gunning for employee of the month."

* * *

"You'll be shacking up at my place a not too far from here." Misato chirped as Shinji exited the 'throne room', as it came to be known "This whole area's NERV territory, so we're free to do whatever we want short of painting the town red. Gendo's got damn near the entire police force in his pocket so lemme know if the fuzz gives you any trouble."

* * *

Shinji recoiled from the force of the slap while Rei stared at him with an unreadable expression from the doorway of her apartment.

"Alright," he groaned "I probably deserved that, but it doesn't give Gendo the right to be a prick."

He received no response beyond a cold crimson glare.

"Doesn't it bother you?" he continued "Any of it? At all?!"

"Look Shinji, it's cute that you're trying to get me to play house and pretend that you know me, but just stop. I don't need your pity and frankly, I don't need you."

He caught only a glimpse of a few pill bottles on a nightstand before she slammed the door in his face.

* * *

Shinji instinctively reached up to feel his cheek, bringing back a faint phantom pain from _that_ particular memory. His found his brooding interrupted by the buzz of his cellphone, informing him of a call from one of his father's contacts (read: goons).

"Hello?"

"Got a job for you tonight. A race. Preparations are being made at the cage; you'll get more details there."

"This is all kind of sudden, shouldn't I have been told about this earlier?"

"Boss man said to stay on your toes, kid. For your sake I hope you're worth the investment."

A click ended the call and silence reigned once more in the Katsuragi apartment.

* * *

"_Cause that purp shit, I sip up. Your bitch chose, you slipped up. _"

"_I get-get my dick licked. I'm draped out, drip-dripped up. _"

"Ken, I thought you learned by now: you can't sing OR rap for shit." Touji mumbled, absent-mindedly drumming his fingers on the dash to the beat.

"No need for hate 'round here Touji. Know what I think? I think you're just mad 'cause _them bad bitches blow kisses by my earlobe, a weirdo but I'm real though. Uhh._"

The pair bickered amongst each other in the sweltering mid-afternoon sun, content to watch the crowd for the race gather from inside the squad car. Taking a sip from his soda (he'd since sworn off drinking on the job) Kensuke nearly choked when he spied a certain svelte albino across the street.

"Holy shit, Touji look!"

Touji followed his partner's gaze, eyes hardening when he spotted the distinct blue mop of hair among the passerby.

"No. no, no, no. No." Touji grunted flatly "Whatever scheme, whatever pipe dream you cooked up in that head of yours to try and get some tail from the crazy bitch who left us both for dead, I want no part in it."

"It ain't like that, I was just pointing out the fact that she's here is all!" Kensuke said in his defense, gesticulating wildly to help prove his point.

"Well good shit then dumbass, because she's headin' over here now."

"Really?" Kensuke asked, snapping his neck to turn towards the object of his affections "Do I look alright? How's my breath smell?"

"You know Officer," Rei interjected as she leaned into Kensuke's window, eyes obscured by a pair of sunglasses "if you want a tumble in the sack all you have to do is ask. But I charge by the hour and I don't do parties of three so Deputy Dipshit over there" she pointed a finger at Touji "might have to sit this one out."

Between Touji's burning glare and Kensuke's struggle with the lump in his throat, Rei couldn't help but crack a smile. "Tough crowd."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't cap your ass right here, right now." Touji snarled.

Unfazed, Rei nonchalantly blew on her nails "Because it wouldn't do for a brave officer such as yourself to be gunned down in the line of duty, survived only by his young widow." she jerked her head towards a group of seedy-looking men brandishing machine guns, who responded with slow nods. "And it'd make Loverboy over here sad, isn't that right Ken?" She leaned in closer, giving him a better view down her blouse.

"My name," he stammered "how did you-"

Rei scoffed "You only said it about a million times during our first little rendezvous with Shinji in the backseat. Plus it was written in permanent marker on the inside seam of the souvenir I took."

"Speaking of Shinji, what's with you two?" Touji asked, suspicion evident in his voice "I never figured him the type to get involved with girls like you."

"Well I guess he never figured himself the type to have a sister."

"A SISTER?!" they cried out in unison.

"Yep," she added, amused by their expressions "Shinji might be a bit of an ass from time to time but he's family. So watch yourself, around him and around me." Rei looked around as more people began to mill about the starting line. "So what are you two boys in blue doing out here anyway?"

"Well as you know Gendo pretty much owns this part of town, so there isn't a lot we can do to stop the race itself from happening" Kensuke explained "We're basically just here to make sure that it doesn't break out into a riot over some dumb shit. You get all this testosterone in one place and surround it with girls to impress, and suddenly a pair of sneakers becomes a $150 set of landmines."

A genuine laugh. "That's a wonderfully cogent insight, Officer Aida. You're going to have to let me pick that brain of yours someday."

"Maybe we could talk about it over some drinks Friday, if you're not busy?" he suggested, a trickle of hope straining its way into his voice.

"Oh but of course Officer" Rei replied, standing up in mock salute "Or my name isn't Rei Ayanami."

A whistle from the group of burly men grabbed her attention.

"Well it's been fun boys but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Catch you later, Loverboy." She waved as she strolled towards the loudening throng of people.

"A sister… Rei…" Touji muttered, realization hitting him like a ton of bricks "Oh shit Ken, do you know who that was?!"

Kensuke was currently lost in the vision of Rei's runway strut from the cruiser. "Of course, she's the Angel of Death, and she wants me."

Touji relented in his argument, resigning himself to a half-hearted jibe. "No Ken, she just likes to play with her food is all. Girl like that'll eat you alive."

"Well stick an apple in my mouth and call me Porky, 'cause that doesn't sound like a bad ending at all."

"You're a moron."

"Love you too, buddy."

* * *

"THE RULES" the man shouted into the megaphone "ARE SIMPLE: THERE ARE NO RULES!" His admission was answered by a cheer from the crowd as well as a consensus of revving engines. Shinji smiled inwardly as he climbed into the cockpit of Unit-01.

'_Man that guy looks ridiculous. Who gets full body blue tribal tats like that?_' He thought as he looked at the hypeman promoting the race '_Those shades are pretty sweet though, and the cape adds a nice touch._'

"THE FINISH LINE IS AT SHINJUKU SQUARE, AND I DON'T CARE WHO YOU HAVE TO KILL, BRIBE, FUCK, OR FIGHT TO GET THERE. NO LIMITS, NO HOLDS BARRED BABY, THIS. IS. THE. TOKYO-3 GRAND MOTHERFUCKING PRIX!" He screamed to the heavens, joined by the unearthly roar of the crowd. "Qualification-series-any-and-all-injuries/damages-sustained-are-liabilities-unaffiliated-with-the-Tokyo-3-Underground-Racing-League-LLC-or-its-partners-fees-may-vary-restrictions-may-apply." he added quickly.

Curious, Shinji propped his head up to get a better eye on the competition. There were about six racers total, himself included. Up front were two bikes. On the right was a guy a little older than Shinji in a futuristic red motorcycle plastered with stickers from sponsors and whatnot. It didn't look like much but the guy kept polishing a mean-looking laser rifle mounted on the side. On the left was a seemingly ordinary yellow Vespa being driven by some pink-haired chick with a bass strapped to her back. Next row had a guy (or was it a girl?) decked out in heavy green armor driving a large military jeep with a swiveling chaingun in the back. He seemed to have a history with one of the other racers because he kept shaking his fist at a big hairy dude mounting what looked like a motorcycle with one oversized wheel in the front and a few stabilizing thrusters in the back. But Shinji's main concern was the Angel goon directly across from him.

He couldn't really describe the vehicle using ordinary geometry, but if pressured, he had to say it looked like the unholy matrimony between a flying horseshoe crab and a supersized dildo. Contrary to his brothers, this particular Angel hadn't said a word to Shinji, instead opting to wait silently behind the blood-red sphere of his craft's cockpit.

"ALRIGHT LADIES AND GENTS, START YOUR ENGINES!"

A chorus of deep rumbles and high-pitched whines rang through Shinji's ears.

"THREE, TWO, ONE, GO!"

No need for a gunshot, the cheers were already deafening.

* * *

Gendo sipped his drink as he watched his son take off like a rocket, quickly leaving the other competitors in the dust.

"Well I do believe you chose the right man for the job." Fuyutsuki commented from over his shoulder.

"This is amateur hour here Fuyutsuki, Shinji's record speaks for itself: I have no doubt in my mind that he'll wipe the floor with these clowns."

"And what of Shamshel and his experimental craft?"

Gendo smiled "Have to keep the show interesting, old sport. Also, I do believe that taking the Angels down a few pegs will teach them a valuable lesson about encroaching upon Nerv territory."

"And the boy's mother? He will begin asking questions soon, no?"

"I'll make the necessary preparations myself. After all, this is a... personal matter."

* * *

Shinji whooped as he cleared the jump, he couldn't believe he was already a third of the way through the race! Honestly he was a little disappointed: he'd heard all sorts of stories about the intensity of the races on the mean streets of Tokyo-3, but it'd all been smooth sailing so far. The hairy guy had been the first to go, flipping off the pink-haired girl had earned him a faceful of bass that sent him careening into a nearby fruit market. Shinji dodged a few shots from the red motorcycle in the beginning but managed to shake him once he passed the soccer stadium. Strangely, he hadn't seen the Angel since the race began. Hell, for all Shinji knew, he was still floating in eerie silence back at the starting line.

CRRRRACKK

Shinji's world was consumed by darkness as a dark figure leapt onto his Eva, enveloping the cockpit in its embrace. Emergency lights flicked on and Shinji could see row upon row of spindly legs descending from the craft. It was the Angel's ship!

'_What the hell is going on?_' He thought desperately. Shinji watched as the appendages reached down and drilled their way into the Eva's armor, sending electric sparks flying all over the craft. He grit his teeth as sensors around him warned of a foreign source siphoning power from the main systems. He looked at his arms, swearing that he could see little red welts popping up. It felt as though the spikes were hundreds of tiny needles stabbing at his own body.

"Alright asshole!" Shinji yelled "YOU WANT POWER? COME GET SOME." He flipped a switch on the command console. "UNIT-01, ACTIVATE ELECTROMAGNETIC CAGE!" A series of metallic pylons extended themselves along the Eva, encompassing both it and its assailant. Shinji then reached into his pocket, pulling out a small bag Misato had given him as a present upon successfully rescuing Rei.

"_Something to brighten up your day!_" She'd said when she handed it to him. Wordlessly, he took one of the black N2 capsules inside and shoved it into an important-looking golden container filled with fluid that linked directly to the propulsion drive. Without warning, the container began to sputter, and the cockpit was bathed in a searing white glow. In the next second, a surge of energy cascaded throughout the machine, throwing Shinji back into his seat and sending bolts of electricity rippling through the metallic rods. The Angel's craft seemingly _shrieked_ in pain, releasing Unit-01 and retreating to a hovering position above the Eva, but not before firing off a salvo of rockets.

"UNIT-01!" Shinji cried out again "ACTIVATE PHALANX DEFENSE SYSTEMS." A quartet of five millimeter miniguns sprang up in unison around the cockpit, spraying the rockets and the Angel with their gleefully destructive chorus. Rolling to avoid the guns, Shamshel got behind Shinji, its painted "eyes" now emitting a strange purple glow. Suddenly, two bright streams of light lanced out from the craft, entangling themselves in the Eva's wheels and bringing both racers to a screeching halt. Then, _another_ pair of laser tentacles shot out from Shamshel's back, neatly slicing Unit-01's protruding weapons.

"Oh I get it," Shinji declared "this isn't a race, it's an assassination!" He scanned the command console for a way out. "UNIT-01, DEPLOY FLECHETTE CHAFF" A swarm of buzzing blue subsonic needles shot out from the Eva's grille, embedding themselves in Shamshel's craft before exploding in a haze of grey smoke and silica. Virtually unable to see past the obscuring cloud, Shamshel lashed out at a hazy block just beyond his field of vision, only for his tentacles to wrap around a set of heavy wheels and axles.

"Looking for me?" Shinji called out, the Eva hovering above and behind Shamshel. "UNIT-01, RAMMING SPEED!" The engines roared into the night and tongues of blue spewed from the craft's exhaust ports. The Angel turned around just in time to witness Shinji's coup de grace. "ACTIVATE: PROGRESSIVE SPEAR!" The Eva's bulky bug catcher receded, and in its place folded out a gigantic pulsating purple blade, which Shinji jammed straight into the craft's cockpit. A nails-on-chalkboard wail assaulted his ears as he drove his Eva down and through the arthropodic monstrosity, carving the entire ship in half down the middle. A squeal of the airbrakes later Shinji touched down on the asphalt, his foe vanquished in a glorious white conflagration behind.

"Holy shit, holy shit" Shinji repeated, his hands shaking in his white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel "that was awesome." A beeping sound alerted him to the fact that not only had his fight with the Angel allowed the competition to slip ahead, but Shinji was dead last!

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" he exclaimed, and the Eva roared in apparent approval as they sped away through the streets.

* * *

Unaware of the lead they gained, the pink-haired woman and the guy with the motorcycle continued their leisurely conversation on the home stretch of the race.

"I was gonna bring him with me" she added languidly "but I figure he's just a kid, ya knooow? He needs some time to grow up a little."

"I hear ya, kids can be a whole mess of trouble." he responded "This one guy I used to run with was like a little brother to me, damn near destroyed the world."

"You too?"

Their exchange was cut short as Unit-01 rocketed past them, sending them sprawling as it sped through the finish line welcomed by cheers and camera flashes.

* * *

Shinji crashed through the door to the apartment, brandishing a bouquet of flowers and a sash with the words "For he's a jolly good rookie" embroidered on it in script font.

"Congrats on getting first place Shinji!" Misato flashed him her winningest smile as she finished cleaning parts of a Norinco Type-56 assault rifle on the kitchen table. "Props for capping that Angel bastard too."

"Aw shucks" he grinned, scratching the back of his head "It was nothing, really."

The moment was quickly ruined by the ringing of the phone, which Shinji picked up with a sense of ominous foreboding.

"Yes?"

"Jesus Christ, it's almost 2020, does Katsuragi really not have Caller ID yet?" chuckled the voice at the other end.

"Hello Father."

"Hey c'mon kid where's the spunky little fuck I saw whooping and spraying champagne at the finish line, huh? Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I'm personally very impressed with the quality of work you've been putting out so far. I've big plans for you, kid. Big plans. We'll keep in touch."

Somewhere underground, Fuyutsuki cleared his throat.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention, I pulled some strings and your mom's being transferred to Tokyo-3 Regional Medical Center in a few day's time. No need to thank me; they'll patch her right up. Gendo out."

Shinji hung up the phone, unable to resolve the turbulent mix of emotions inside of him. Misato pulled back on the rifle's charging handle, snapping him out of his daze.

"Something on your mind?" she asked.

"There's one thing that bothers me."

"Mhmm?"

"The way he talks about her, you'd think he couldn't care less what happens to her. But if that were true, why did he keep her name?"

She could offer nothing more than a shrug.

"This world takes all kinds, kid."

And with that, Shinji trod off to his room, collapsed on the bed, and slept away another dreamless night.


	5. My President Black and My Lambo Blue

A/N: Yo yo yo, got a full-course meal for y'all tonight. I've been busy lately so expect updates to become less frequent as time goes on. Still, I'll probably keep going until I get bored/run out of ideas. Or who knows, I might actually finish this thing someday. Questions and comments are welcome as always, now eat up.

It is precisely 5:30 in the morning when Gendo opens his eyes to start the day. At precisely 5:32 he gathers the motivation necessary to exit the bed, casting a look at Ritsuko's nude, still dozing form. At precisely 5:35 he steps into the bathroom for his shower, which lasts exactly three minutes and fifty-five seconds.

By 5:41 he finds himself donning his favorite burgundy turtleneck and navy blazer, a combination he liked so much he had one ready for each day of the week (though he secretly kept a spare red turtleneck on him at all times, to throw off assassins). At precisely 5:47 he pours himself a glass of scotch, the breakfast of champions. At precisely 5:49 he steps into his limousine, discreetly reinforced with tinted Lexan windows and ceramic armor doors. At precisely 5:50 he examines around the back portion of the limo, which is filled to capacity with stuffed lookalike Gendo dolls, all looking their Sunday best in burgundy turtlenecks and navy blazers (can never be too careful with those assassins). At 5:51 he takes a moment to smirk, remembering the other seven identical limousines leaving from nondescript safehouses around Tokyo-3 carrying decoy Gendos to various points throughout the city. When the moment passes (it's still 5:51, after all) Gendo reaches over to turn on the radio. He frowns.

Instead of Wagner, his ears are greeted by the sound of his fellow countrymen banging away at drums and guitars, singing in heavily-accented English. But it's damn catchy, as Gendo's traitorously tapping foot discovers. He looks up at the chauffeur, who remains silent as always. Oh well, it isn't like anyone would believe him if he said anything anyway. Cranking up the volume knob, Gendo lets it all out.

"_WHEN THE KIDS SING OUT THE FUTURRRRRE, MAYBE KIDS DON'T NEED THE MASTERRRS. JUST A-WAITING FOR THE LITTLE BASTARDS, OHHH YEAHHHHH_"

And so, it is precisely 6:00 in the morning when Gendo opens the door to Ponzi's Tavern. And of course, _he_ is there, like _always_.

"Good morning, Gendo." Fuyusuki says, offering a curt nod and a smile.

'_Don't '_Good morning Gendo_' me you smug prick._' Is what Gendo's mind thought as it boiled with pettiness '_Standing there fuckin' smiling all fuckin' day, what's your endgame you creepy Mr. Rogers-looking shitstain? Huh? Name one reason why I shouldn't leave your ass to rot in a nursing home eating applesauce through a tube 'til you snap your pelvis playing checkers. Fuck, where do you even live? I swear there must be a goddamn box or a pile of newspapers behind that fucking bar because it should not be humanly fucking possible to get here every single fucking day of every single fucking week before ME. _'

"Likewise, Fuyutsuki." Is how he responded. Gendo strolled over to the bar calmly, rubbing his thumb on an imaginary smudge on the hardwood top. "So, what's on today's agenda?"

"The commissioner has been paid his dues so we can look forward to the police department's continued cooperation for the foreseeable future." Fuyutsuki dictated as he polished a set of glasses. "Katsuragi and your son are still in the Old Tokyo ruins finishing a deal with the representatives of Allied Heavy Chemicals. They've been ordered to maintain strict radio silence due to the military presence in the area, though they are expected to arrive later in the day."

"Should go off without a hitch," Gendo mused, mostly to himself "Shiro's boys won't give them any trouble."

"I also informed the Angels of your taking into consideration of their offered truce. They wish to send an envoy to smooth out the proceedings, a diplomat of sorts. He goes by the name Tabris."

Gendo shook his head in laughter as he poured himself a drink. "I'll never understand those mystic bastards, a goon's a goon; I don't care how many candy-ass Greek names you give 'em."

"To my understanding, the majority of their titles are of Hebrew or Aramaic origin."

'_Fuckin' wise-ass_' Gendo smirked as he stared into the now drained glass. "I want a write-up on this 'Tabris' character. When was he born, where it happened, parents, relatives, girlfriends. I want to know if he squeezes the toothpaste from the top and if he's got his name stitched on his undies and I want it on my desk five minutes ago."

Reaching underneath the bar, Fuyutsuki pulled out a manila folder and placed it in front of Gendo. "I apologize for my lateness."

Gendo's mouth rearranged itself in the familiar shape of a shit-eating grin '_Knew I kept you around for something._' He thought as he inspected the folder, only to find that it was empty save for a single slip of paper: a years-old prescription form addressed to a Kaworu Nagisa from a company called White Helix Laboratories. Gendo's eyes widened, the levity in his face replaced by something else.

"Look familiar?" Fuyutsuki asked.

Another moment, another crooked smile. "Well this certainly changes things."

"Should I take any precautions to warn her, perhaps add more security around her apartment?"

"Rei's a big girl now, Fuyutsuki." Gendo replied as he studied the form in his hand. "Besides, I find myself… intrigued as to how she'll handle the situation." He stood up, placing the page back in the folder. "Are there any other pressing matters to discuss?"

"Our contacts in Vladivostok called to inform us that our shipment has left port and should be arriving soon."

"Mmm, I'll get Shinji on it. A bit of fun in the sun down by the docks won't hurt him."

"You certainly seem to be taking a liking to the boy."

"I won't lie: the kid has potential. You just have to light a fire under his ass to get him moving in the right direction." Gendo admitted. "Additionally, it'd help my life expectancy if the emotionally troubled hormonal teenager I've entrusted a military-grade weapon to didn't hate me."

"Perhaps a congratulatory camping trip is in order? Followed by a game of catch and a discussion of what occurs when a mother and father love each other very much?"

"Don't push your luck, you old sack of shit."

"Of course, sir."

* * *

Shinji's head rocked back, tasting blood at the point where the man's fist had connected with his face.

"You got any other smart comments to make, fuckin' wise guy?" the man spat, bringing back his brass-knuckled fist.

It was supposed to be an easy job. Drive out with Misato to Old Tokyo to pay some AHC guys for the supplies needed to keep Gendo's meth game in tip-top shape back in the city. He'd been wary of meeting them in such a deserted location late at night, and his suspicions had been confirmed when a bunch of mooks jumped them and lit up the security detail that had come with the pair from Tokyo-3. Fast forward a couple of hours and morning had arrived, and Shinji was strapped to a chair in some hangar held captive by goons who hadn't brought the agreed upon chemicals in the first place, with Misato and the cash nowhere to be found.

"Hey Tomuro, gimme a hand opening this friggin' thing, will ya? And bring that crowbar."

Oh, and they had his Eva too. Not that they knew its electronic lock was voice-activated. Clowns.

"I say we just fuckin' cap his ass" grunted the shorter man to the one who punched Shinj "Sell his whip to the chop shop while we're at it."

"Man, do you have any clue who this is?" Shinji's assailant, a man named Kubo, said as he grabbed Shinji's bruised cheeks "This Ikari's kid. As in The Gendo Motherfucking Ikari. We'll keep the drug money and we'll make a fuckin' mint ransoming the kid's ass for all the old prick's worth" He shoved Shinji back into the chair. "And then we'll kill him."

The wall of the hangar erupted in a withering blast of steel and flame. From the hole entered a menacing tan robot of some sort, at least fifteen feet tall and hunched over like a great ape, propelled along by wheels in its "hands". A raucous cacophony of gunfire greeted the sandy metal colossus, which it shrugged off like a gentle spring rain. Rounding on the scattered goons, the robot's shoulders separated to reveal guns of its own, tearing through their ranks with practiced ease. Shinji looked on with an expression somewhere between awe and horror as the beast cleared the hangar only to approach him with an uneasy slowness. He winced in anticipation of the final volley that would take his young life, wanting nothing more than his executioner's mercy through expedience. A click and a hiss opened his eyes to a very different sight.

"Hiya Shinji!" exclaimed the purple-haired woman in the cockpit of the robot "Didja miss me?"

"Misato!" he jumped forward, for getting that he was still tied to a chair and earning a mouthful of dirt for his efforts. "How did you- what the-?"

The robot brought its "hand" up in a comical recreation of Misato scratching her head. "Well those bozos made the mistake of jacking my Baby Blue, so I returned the favor by taking one of their toys from their base."

For the first time since it burst into his life, Shinji took a good look at the robot, its limbs bearing the words 'JET ALONE PRIMAL' among other assorted markers. "That thing's got military designations on it, which base did you take it from?"

A second round of explosions and gunshots interrupted their reunion.

"Forget it, just untie me so I can get to Unit-01!"

Outside the hangar, the normally peaceful airfield had broken out into an absolute warzone. Troops stationed at the nearby military base, furious that their pet project had been stolen, did battle with the AHC goons trying to escape with Gendo's money. And zipping through the frantic free-for-all was a deadly purple blur hot on the tail of a sandy metal titan.

"Just let it go, you don't need that car!" Shinji yelled over Unit-01's loudspeakers.

"LIKE HELL I DON'T, GENDO'S MONEY IS IN THAT CAR!" Misato gritted her teeth "PLUS I STILL HAVE LIKE THIRTY PAYMENTS ON THAT THING!"

The pair bobbed and weaved through the bombs and bullets, eyes peeled for any sign of Baby Blue. Misato whooped as she spotted it leading the pack of retreating AHC forces, gunning the engine and making a beeline for her steel cerulean steed. Shinji's eyes widened as he spotted a gunman training an RPG on Misato's stolen ride from off to his right. It may have been an aging Soviet relic, but all he needed was one good shot to paint the insides of the mech with Krispy Katsuragi BitsTM.

"MISATO, LOOK OUT!" Shinji cried, lighting up the truck with Unit-01's forward auto-cannons, but not before the rocket shot towards her in a plume of smoke.

Not even acknowledging Shinji's cries, the robot simply brought its hand up to catch the rocket in midair, its engine fizzling out before being tossed aside like a tin can.

"WARNING!" the alarms inside the robot blared "REMOTE SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE TRANSMITTED, PLEASE EVACUATE THE PREMISES AS THE THERMOBARIC EXPLOSION HAS A PROJECTED RANGE OF 10 KILOMETERS."

"No time to lose!" she declared "Don't worry Baby, I'm comin'!"

Redlining the propulsion systems, Misato blazed ahead in a burst of speed, bringing the robot around to face the poor bastard who dared touch her Baby Blue. What happened next brought Shinji's world to a standstill, and would come to be the subject of many a drinking story for years to come.

The robot, positioning itself directly in front of the car, _vaulted_ over the entire vehicle, with Misato gracefully exiting it mid-leap and landing on the hood in a single stride. The lone goon inside seemed to think it was pretty cool too, he never even noticed the bullets shredding his torso as she emptied her personal sidearm into the driver's seat. In a display of Olympian acrobatics, she jumped in through the sunroof, swiftly kicking out the recently deceased driver and reclaiming her rightful throne.

The lifeless beige beast tumbled behind in her in a wild trash of limbs and metal, punctuating Misato's deadly ballet with a final crash into the dry earth.

Shinji let out what seemed like the longest breath of his life.

"Glad to hear you're still alive back there Shinji." Misato's perky smile relayed over the viewscreen "Had me worried there for a second."

Twin trails of dust raced along the ruins of the old city, their departure saluted by a sky-high shockwave of hellish flame.

* * *

Some time later, the pair found themselves overlooking a calm blue artificial lake engulfing what was once a prominent shopping center. Misato sat on the hood of her car wordlessly, a faraway look in her eyes. Surprisingly, it was Shinji who broke the silence.

"That was uhh-" he stammered, unsurprisingly "Look, I'll just say it: that was pretty freakin' cool and I want your autograph. Or like an interview. Or something. I mean how is such a thing even _possible_?"

She chuckled "You mean how I did it, or how I learned?"

"Both, in whichever order you please."

"Growing up in Tokyo-3 isn't exactly the most nurturing environment for a young girl," she began, "doubly so when your dad's in debt to the mob for more than he'll make in a lifetime. Daddy wasn't a slouch though, he knew they'd come looking for me so he did what he could to teach me how to teach others not to fuck with a Katsuragi. When a group of the bastards showed up at my school I put every last one in the ICU before they could lay a hand on me, not bad for a 16-year-old girl. Next day I have a surprise meeting with your father and he puts a gun in my hand, says he'll wipe the slate clean if I do a job for him. So I did. Then I came back for another. Gendo made good on his promise and I got to see my dad again, and once I started climbing up the ladder I made enough to put myself through a few years of college. I dropped out though; I guess it isn't for everyone. Still, all these years later and I've got a gun in my hand and a regular paycheck, so I guess I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself. Beats sucking dick for change, at any rate." She ended her story with a little laugh.

Shinji could only stare in awe. '_Jesus, and here I thought I had it rough._'

"I need a drink" he said, finally, reaching into the car to pull out a Yebisu "Do you want a drink?"

"Ohhh I wouldn't do that if I were you," she laughed, swiping the can away from him before he could pull the tab, "have to bring you back to your Daddy in one piece after all." She took a closer look at his face, still bruised and bloodied from his time held captive by the goons. "Now that" she said, pointing to a particularly purple spot on his cheek "looks like it fucking hurts."

"Trust me, it does."

"Hold on, I've got something for it right here."

"AH, that fucking _stings_."

"Don't be such a baby." She brought his face up right up to hers so she could dab the wound "It's a shame this one didn't go over your eye, woulda made one really cool-looking scar."

He struggled to stay afloat in the chocolate brown of her eyes, her almost maternal display of affection seemingly tinged with something… else.

"You okay there Sad Eyes?" Misato asked, waving her hand in front of Shinji's face "Look like you're feelin' some type of way."

"Wha-? Yeah I'm good."

"Great." she offered him a cheerful grin as she slid off the hood, walking around to rummage through the trunk. "I like you Shinji, you've got this way of rolling with the punches, and that's what keeps you alive in this town at the end of the day. I'd make good on that offer of a beer but I don't touch the stuff too often these days, it's bad for your health." She produced a large bong from the depths of the car, the base of which was stylized in the shape of a colorful ceramic penguin.

"Fancy a toke?" she proposed, gathering a water bottle and small plastic baggie filled with an odd-smelling green substance on her way back to the front. Shinji stared at her for a moment before letting out a small chuckle.

"Sure, why not?"

* * *

"Man, are you sure this is the place?" Kensuke asked as he stepped outside the elevator.

"Shinji said it was so that's where I'm goin'." Touji glanced at the text message he'd received from their mutual best pal confirming that they were indeed headed in the right direction. "Should be this apartment right over here."

"Alright dude, ring the doorbell."

"The fuck you mean 'ring the doorbell', just call Shinji and tell him to get his ass out here."

"Man I'm holding the fuckin' beer" Kensuke shook the crate he was holding in Touji's face "You want me to dial the fuckin' phone with my asscheeks or something?"

"Fine, jeez." Touji relented "You gotta loosen up man, those blue balls are gettin' to your head."

"Fuck you."

"Hey the thirst is real, my dude. I'm just saying that-"

"Can I help you boys with something?" Misato piped up from the doorway, relishing the pair's stunned stares.

"We were uhh just uhh-" Kensuke began, unable to keep himself from gazing at the lavender-haired beauty standing at the threshold.

"Looking for Shinji!" Touji blurted out "Yeah, we're uhh friends of his and we heard he had a rough day so we came to cheer him up" He tapped the crate of drinks for emphasis.

"Aw that's sweet." She opened the door to let them through. "You two can wait in the living room and I'll tell Shinji you're here, 'kay?"

"Thanks, er miss-"

"Just call me Misato!" she giggled "I'll be around if you boys need anything."

"Yeah, thanks." The two stepped in and waited in silence for a few moments before Misato left the room.

"Did you fucking see her!" Kensuke cried out in something halfway between a shout and a whisper. "Holy shit, now that's a fuckin' dime piece if I ever saw one."

"Don't remind me." Touji replied, already reaching for a drink "God, the things I would do to her. I'd give an arm and a leg to go a couple of rounds in the sack with a woman like that, shit."

"Heh, don't let Hikari hear you sayin' that" Kensuke laughed "But seriously, I mean I knew Shinji was, you know, _connected_ now and everything but I didn't think he had the capacity to have women on tap like that. This is insane."

"Don't hafta tell me twice." Touji remarked as he took a morose sip of his beer "Man, the fuck do I gotta do to get me in the Eva piloting game?"

"Ain't much," Shinji answered, stepping into the living room "Just sell your soul to the devil is all."

"Hey well if it isn't our favorite lawbreaker." Greetings were exchanged to the tune of clinking bottles as Kensuke launched into the night's most burning questions.

"So tell me: how does one random prick like you get so lucky, huh? Your dad owns the whole damn city, he's got you shacked up with a fuckin' _bombshell_ of a chick, you've got a smoking hot sister, and you get to spend your days piloting a goddamn Evangelion. Explain that to me, cause I gotta tell ya: aside from divine intervention I really don't see how that all adds up"

"Yeah, a mom in the hospital and some power-hungry deadbeat ordering me around West Bumblefuck so I can get my face busted up and left for dead by goons in a radioactive shithole, I feel on top of the fuckin' world Ken."

"Look man, I ain't mean it like that it's just-"

"No, no I get you man I'm sorry I'm just in a mood is all." Shinji sighed, waving off the comment.

"Speaking of busted faces" Touji interjected "You got _fucked_ up dude."

"You should see the other guy." Shinji smiled.

"What, did you pull some crazy shit with the Eva?" Kensuke leaned forward in excitement. "Teach 'em a lesson about what happens when you fuck with the lean mean purple-n-green killing machine?"

"Nope, Misato sure did though."

"Bullshit," Touji called out. "I thought you just kept her around to cook your meals and polish your knob."

"Honestly I do the cooking around here more often than not." Shinji turned to face his friend "But I do owe her my life, so I'd appreciate it if you showed her a bit more respect and stopped eyein' her like you're gonna try and hit it as soon as I turn around. Hell, I don't wanna have to sic Hikari on your ass."

Kensuke and Shinji shared a laugh at the expense of Touji's glum expression while the former made whip-cracking noises. Before long, the drinks ran dry and the warm evening glow gave way to the pitch black night.

"Hey thanks for the help Shin" Touji grunted as he dragged his otaku companion to the elevator "You know Ken can't hold his liquor for shit."

"No worries" Shinji responded, the warmth of drunkenness coloring his own face "Three amigos gotta stick together, right?"

A short descent ended with the pair heaving their bespectacled friend into the passenger side of Touji's car.

"Ah, better" Touji smirked to himself, dusting off his hands "Hey Shin, before you leave there's somethin' we gotta talk about. It's your sister."

"Rei?" Shinji's asked, his expression taking a turn for the confused "What about her?"

"Before you say anything, I know it's not my place to get involved in other people's families or nothin', but I have to admit I was more than a little curious to figure out that you had a sister out of nowhere. I did some digging around in the records at the station and she's like a ghost, literally."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, at a glance, there's basically nothing on this girl. No birth certificate, no family tree, not so much as a third grade report card. It doesn't add up. I musta dug the whole place up and the only things I really found were a verification of custody signed by your father and a test sheet from some lab that closed down years ago. But there's something else. Around the time the custody was finalized there was a string of murders throughout the city's red light district. Made men and big papís were dropping like flies all around town and no one knew who did it. A few suspects were arrested but ultimately let go for not matching the description. And get this; any witnesses that survived the attacks all said the same thing, that their guys were slaughtered by someone young and pale with red eyes. They likened it to being visited by the Angel of Death."

"Nah, you don't think-?" Shinji backed up "Nah man I know Rei's in deep with my dad and all, but I'm not about to make the jump to calling my own sister out as a fuckin' serial killer."

"Hey look man I'm just trying to look out for you is all. But you can't tell me it isn't at least a little too fuckin' coincidental that just after all these high-level goons get whacked, your dad comes in and starts scooping up every block in the city."

"You been drinking too much man, Rei's a tough girl but a one-woman army she is not. Man, you would be the type to fall for some boogeyman type shit like this. I think you're just salty 'cause she dropped your ass like sack of bricks."

"Fine." Touji shrugged "Don't believe me, not like it's me out there laying my ass out on line for these people every day." He reached over to put his hand on Shinji's shoulder. "Look man, I don't wanna antagonize you or nothin' but just be safe, alright? There's enough shit out here trying to end you without worrying about your own fucked up family tree."

"I'll keep that in mind, Officer" was Shinji's deadpan drunken reply.

"That's good enough for me." Touji climbed into the car, a modest green holdover from his bachelor days. "Take it easy, alright man?"

Shinji waved them off, turning back towards the warm glow of the apartment. He paid no mind to his surroundings as he drunkenly stumbled through the doorway. And why should he? It wasn't like anyone else noticed the silent observer from the rooftop across the street.

"Hi Shinji" he whispered to himself, the ends of his mouth turning up in a Chesire grin "My name is Kaworu, let's be great friends."


	6. Watersports

A/N: _German love, I will give it to you, give it to you, giiive it to yooooou. 'Cause sheeeee won't haaave a thiiing to doo with meee_

The man looked out over the rusted metal railing at the growing landmass on the horizon, the salty sea air rushing through his nostrils while the cloudless sky hung above.

Japan. The Land of the Rising Sun. Home. It'd been years since he'd seen her, but he was sure to make up for lost time.

'_After all,_' he added mentally '_can't have business without a little pleasure in this job._' He found his introspection interrupted by the sudden presence of two slim arms encircling his waist.

"It's such a nice view, nothing like that horrible frosty _müllkippe_." His young charge sighed dreamily as she nuzzled up against him. "Very romantic, don't you think?"

"Yeah," he answered in a tired tone as he pried the girl's surprisingly tight grip off of him "not happening, kiddo."

Her eyebrow twitched imperceptibly at the sound of "kiddo."

"I'll have you know I'm a legal adult in the eyes of the law!" she fumed, stamping her foot on the metal walkway "So don't go thinking you can keep running away from me forever."

'_Running away wouldn't be the hard part_' he thought '_it's who you'd jump at in my place that worries me._'

"Oh I don't know about that," he chuckled "Tokyo-3's a big city; lots of hiding spots from little girls."

"Good," she said "because when you're done playing hide-and-seek with little girls there's a _woman_ here waiting for you." She jabbed a finger at her chest for emphasis.

The man rolled his eyes, out of her field of vision of course. "You need to find someone your own age. The local mob boss' son is supposed to meet us at the docks; I hear he's been tearing up tracks all over the city these days." He turned to face her "You two might find you have something in common."

"Ha!" she guffawed, a smarmy grin plastered on her face "Like I need some hood rat to hold my hand in this backwater country, no offense." Now it was her turn to stare out over the railing. "I know his type, some juiced-up meathead who blows all of daddy's dirty money making his ride SOUND like it goes fast to try and compensate for his tiny, tiny penis." She demonstrated her point by squinting and holding up her index finger and thumb a few centimeters apart. "I'll race circles around these clowns, just like in Berlin."

"My, my" he went, propping his chin up on his arm "Such an insightful analysis, I can see your college education really paid off."

"I gotten this far without giving those _arschlochs_ an inch" she continued her rant, ignoring him "and I'm not about to start now. German, Japanese, what difference does it make? A goon's a goon."

"That seems a little harsh for a guy you haven't even met yet." The man commented "But if he gives you any trouble just let me know and he'll be sorry, Gendo or no Gendo."

"Thanks Kaji" she beamed, burying herself in another hug "You're the best."

He sighed and relented, allowing her to hang on a little longer than usual before peeling her off. Spinning around, she grabbed onto the railing once more, nearly launching herself overboard in excitement.

"Wait 'til they get a load of me." Her mutter steadily increased in volume "I'll scream it from the rooftops, I'll paint the town red; Tokyo-3's gonna wish they never heard of Asuka Langley Sorhyu!"

Below the waves, a sleek white leviathan floated in absolute quiet, watching and waiting as the cargo ship approached the shoreline.

"Hello there, young man" the duty nurse smiled at the boy in front of her desk "How can I help you?"

"I'm here to visit someone, Yui Ikari? I'm her son." He fidgeted slightly as he gestured to the bouquet of lilies in his hand.

"Alright just sign in here and you're all set, she's in Room 690 down the hall. Hope your mother gets better!"

"Thanks, y-you too." Shinji shuffled away quickly to avoid any more awkward stares that were _surely_ aiming directly at him.

He stood at the threshold of the doorway, breathed deeply, and stepped in. Then his heart broke.

There she lay, tubes criss-crossing her slowly breathing form to the melancholy tune of beeping monitors. Her face, once so full of life and soul, still formed the spark of a smile upon seeing him. Shinji had no words, and simply moved to the bed to bury his face in her shoulder and cried until the tears ran dry. She cradled in his head in silence for a while, stroking his head.

"How are you feeling?" he managed after some time.

"I get by, the nurses are much nicer here" she sighed "and the beds actually adjust."

"You know what I mean."

Another deep breath. "Go wash up in the bathroom Shinji, it's supposed to be a happy day. I can't stand to see you with those sad eyes." He obliged and promptly returned, suddenly remembering the flowers he brought.

"I bought you these" he gestured as he looked around for a place to set them down "You always said white lilies were your favorite."

"That's very sweet of you, Shinji." Yui smiled "It gives me strength to know that even after all we've been through, I still raised you to be a considerate young man. So how have you been enjoying the city?"

Shinji stopped dead in his tracks. '_How much could she know? It's been ten years but I doubt she's in the dark about who he is and what he does. Would knowing put her in danger?_' His face tightened as he silently gathered his resolve. '_No, she needs to be able to trust me. I have to give her that, at least._'

"It's been alright. I talked to Gendo" he replied "he's actually the one who paid for all this." He gestured with his arms towards the rest if the room.

That one statement caused Yui's head to snap to attention.

"Oh no, Shinji." Her eyes closed in exasperation, not opening again until a wave of silence settled in "So what is it? How much does he have you in for?"

"It's just a temporary thing" Shinji pleaded "I just drive around the city and do a few odd jobs here and there and we'll be back home in no time."

"Shinji Ikari" she stated, her voice becoming sterner with each syllable "I am your mother and if I know anything it's that when it comes to you it is never _just driving_. Gendo deals in absolutes and if I have a grasp on the situation correctly, he'll keep you here as long as he wants to."

Shinji slumped into a chair beside the bed. "I'm just trying to do the right thing."

"I know you are sweetie, but you ended up selling your soul in the process." She turned her head to look out the window "The rules are different here; it's blood in, blood out. There's a reason why we never came back."

He got up, standing right next to her. "There's something I don't understand: why him?"

For the first time in too long, he heard her laugh. "To be young and in love is a strange thing. I don't expect you to understand now, but maybe someday you will."

Shinji shook his head '_I guess that's as good of an answer as I'm going to get._'

"There's another thing" he added "I have a sister. Well, more like a half-sister. Her name's Rei."

"Rei." Yui mouthed, seemingly lost in thought "Say Shinji, could you lean over and push the bed tilt button just a little farther?"

He reached over to comply, only to feel his mother's hand bringing his ear closer.

"There isn't much time; I'm dying, Shinji, that much is a fact." she let out in a barely audible whisper.

"B-but the doctors said-"

"I know," Yui's face scrunched up in annoyance "I know what the doctors said, Shinji. Forget that and listen to what I'm saying: you are straying into territory filled with very bad people capable of doing very bad things and they have eyes and ears _everywhere_. Gendo might be a great white but he isn't the only shark swimming in the ocean, do you understand?"

He gave her a quick nod, confused.

"It's too late for me, but there's an old friend of mine who works for Gendo now who might be able to help you out. You probably know him as Fuyutsuki. Find him and tell him that the Room is open. Trust me, this is the only way."

Shinji recoiled in horror, almost knocking over the flowers he laid out.

"You've grown up so much, it's hard to believe, really." she continued, tears beginning to well in her eyes "Now go on. Go with God and please, look after yourself."

He barely heard her as he scrambled out of the hospital room, wanting nothing more than to keep running forever.

He caught his breath in the hospital lobby, where he was surprised to see Gendo's limousine parked outside. Straightening himself out, Shinji stepped out onto the sidewalk.

'_Alright just keep your cool, man_' he reassured himself '_Can't let him see you lose your frame_'

A whistle from the limo caught his attention.

"Hey kid" Gendo called out from inside the lavish interior of the car "how about you hop in for a ride, let's talk business for a while."

Hesitantly, Shinji stepped in, seating himself directly across from the man who currently held his balls in a vice grip. Figuratively speaking, of course.

"So, how's she doing?" Gendo asked, leaning back into the plush leather seat.

"Better." Shinji said, keeping his eyes averted. "The doctors say it'll take some time, but she'll recover eventually."

"Hell, for what I'm paying she better be in fuckin' mint condition by the time the docs get through with her." Gendo sneered at the impotent rage seething behind Shinji's normally calm blue eyes. "In any case, it does my rotten black heart good to see that my employees maintain strong family ties and, more importantly, remain properly motivated."

Shinji only glared in hard silence before Gendo continued.

"Anyway, I have a job that I'd like you to personally look into." He plucked a manila folder from a nearby seat. "You'll be receiving a shipment down by the west end docks comin' all the way from Berlin. Normally I'd just toss this job to any old errand boy but this particular package is special. You might not know it but you're becoming quite the name around these streets, kid. And I figure if I've got me one child star dumping on every clown and their rice burner shitbox in the neighborhood, why not import a little German engineering and have the whole racing game on lock?"

"Does that mean we're getting another Eva?" Shinji leaned forward in curiosity.

"Yep, and another pilot." Gendo watched with a small smile as his son perused the photos inside, revealing what looked like a less angular red-orange counterpart to his own Unit-01.

"We've got our fingers in pies all over the world, kid. Didn't take much to convince Herr Zeppelin to loan us his precocious granddaughter's talents for a little while. She'll be staying with you at Katsuragi's while she's here so try to make a good first impression, show her a good time."

Shinji leafed through the rest of the folder. "D'you have any pictures of her?"

'_Ah_' the older man smirked '_the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree now does it?_'

"Miss Sohryu… declined to be photographed." He grinned "Your stop."

Shinji hadn't even noticed that the limo had come to a halt outside of Ponzi's, with the chauffeur moving around to open the door.

"Oh and kid," Gendo called out as his son began to leave "keep your eyes peeled alright? After that incident in Old Tokyo there's no tellin' who might have it out for us now."

Shinji nodded and walked into the bar as Gendo's limousine pulled away. Looking around, he spotted several familiar faces among the clientele.

'_Jeez, is it always those same guys just sitting there?_' he moved to the bar itself, giving Fuyutsuki a small nod, who responded in kind.

"Normally I'd ask for some form of identification, but I suppose I could make an exception for the boss' son" the older man smiled.

Shinji looked up from the bar, a solemn expression marring his face.

"Yui's dying" he murmured "She told me to tell you that the Room is open."

The man's smile vanished, replaced by a look of concern before relaxing. He leaned in a little closer, motioning for Shinji to do the same.

"I understand that you'll be receiving the shipment at the docks today, yes?" A quick nod. "Good, there will be a man arriving with the new pilot. A tad scruffy, wears a ponytail, you can't miss him. He's fond of an old joke."

Fuytusuki straightened back up, returning to polish more glasses.

"When you see him, ask him who grows the best melons."

'_What's with all these codes and bullshit?_' Shinji thought, beginning to get a bit annoyed now '_The Room is open, I have the melons; fuck, it feels like I'm trapped in a bad spy movie._'

"Will do" is how he responded.

"Also," Fuyutsuki added "a parcel arrived addressed to you this morning, something from 'Hyodou's Extreme Sportswear and Cosplay Supply'?"

"Oh, that ought to be the suit I ordered." Shinji remembered, snapping his fingers.

"Very well then" Fuyutsuki watched as the boy walked over to the women's restroom "Remember what I said about the melons!"

* * *

"_I want a girl who gets up early_"

"GETS UP EARLY!" Kensuke echoed the radio, banging away on the dash.

"_I want a girl who stays up late_"

"STAYS UP LATE!" Touji joined in, drumming along the steering wheel.

"_I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity, who uses a machete to cut through red tape_"

High above the docks, seagulls circled and the sun continued on its steady downward course into late afternoon.

"_With fingernails that shine like justice, and a voice that is dark like tinted glass_"

From behind the pair, the looming lavender shadow of Unit-01 pulled up.

"_She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack; she is touring the facility and picking up slack_"

"Hey guys" Shinji climbed out of the Evangelion. "Thanks for coming out here, never hurts to have a little backup in this gig."

"Don't worry man" Touji remarked, thumbing the brim of his cap "Protect and serve, it's all part of the job, right?"

"What's the job you're supposed to be doin' anyway?" Kensuke piped up "And how come you're all decked out in fetish gear?"

"I'm supposed to meet this new hotshot pilot and her handler here any minute now" Shinji gestured to the tight-fitting suit Ritsuko got for him. "And I'll have you know this is actually a technologically advanced garment crafted from materials that allow me to pilot with a greater efficiency and safety." He recited the item description he'd read on the company's brochure.

'_Must've been a mix-up in shipping_' he added mentally '_This thing is at least a size too small and it's all bluish white and shit._'

"You sure 'bout that?" Touji snorted "'Cause you look like a gimp out of a fuckin' fruity BDSM dungeon." And with that the squad car erupted in a fit of raucous laughter.

"Yeah, yeah laugh it up you clowns" Shinji dismissed them, turning to look at the massive cargo ship disembarking.

"So this new chick," Kensuke asked "what's she look like?"

"Didja fuck her?" Touji added quickly.

"Shit I don't know, she's comin' in all the way from Germany and the only photos I saw were of her Eva." Shinji turned to face the driver "So to answer your question, no, I didn't fuck her."

"Man, your dad has it fuckin' made. Imagine just being able to mail order foreign broads and cars like that." Touji launched into his daydream "Fuck the Eva game, how do I get into the crime lord business?"

"Wait, so if you don't know what she looks like," Kensuke surmised "how do you know who to look for?"

"Apparently the guy or bodyguard or whoever she's traveling with is pretty distinctive. I'll know him when I see him." Shinji replied. "C'mon, let's go over and take a closer look."

The trio gathered around the gangway that served as the exit for the ship, with Shinji talking to the man overseeing the boat's arrival. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew Touji's cap off, sending him scrambling after it.

"Man, that was close" he grinned, putting it back on "Hey Shin, d'you know where we're goin'?"

"The guy said that all special deliveries are being done via ramp below deck." Shinji explained "I figure that's where we'll find them."

They eventually made their way to the inner bowels of the ship, coming to a secluded chamber where a large mass roughly the size of a small whale lay covered in green tarp.

"This must be it." Shinji declared, inspecting the shrouded Eva "Alright guys do you mind-"

His statement was cut short as he received a swift chop of the back of the neck. However, whatever sweet spot his assailant had been aiming for went untouched, resulting in a surprised but otherwise very conscious Shinji.

"AGH, THAT FUCKING HURTS!" he snarled, rounding on his attacker and pinning them to the Eva "LISTEN YOU, I-" Shinji found the words in his mouth dying yet again as he got a good look at his would-be assassin. It was a girl, and quite an attractive one at that in a pale yellow sundress sporting a frenzied smile of her own.

"_My God,_" his mind wandered "_she's gorgeous. Carefree waves of silken auburn splashing down smooth shoulders, her firebrand countenance belying gentle blue eyes overflowing with a sweet sense of innocence and vulnerability. No, she couldn't possibly be Japanese, her features are a bit too… European. _" His inner ramblings were interrupted yet again by a feeling of sharp pressure in his torso.

"How much you wanna bet I spill your guts on the floor before I run of breath?" She spat as she moved the point of her switchblade to just underneath his ribcage. In his fit of desperation, Shinji hadn't even noticed he'd wrapped his hands around her neck, thumbs positioned precariously over her windpipe.

"Sorry to disappoint but this suit's stab-proof" he shot back, snapping out his daze. '_Suck it Touji, bet a fuckin' gimp suit can't do that_'

"Is that a fact?" she growled, pushing the tip of the knife ever so deeper into his abdomen. Shinji swore he could hear the sound of ripping fabric.

'_Goddamn you Hyodou and your shoddy workmanship_' he fumed internally, the temptation to choke her building more and more.

"I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot" said a calm male voice from behind Shinji, who felt the tip of a gun barrel press up against his head. "How about we all back off nice and easy, and you tell me who you are and who you work for."

"You first." came Touji's challenge from across the room, accompanied by its own drawn pistol.

"Yeah, what he said." Kensuke chimed in, also training his gun on the man with the ponytail.

"This ain't my first rodeo, kid" the man retorted "You're not a killer, but a stupid fuck with a gun is a danger to everyone in the room, himself included." He nodded towards the girl in Shinji's arms. "I'm willing to take a bullet for the ones I care about, can you say the same?"

"Any day of the week." Touji muttered, tightening his grip on the trigger.

"Don't tell him anything Shinji!" Kensuke yelled, his voice wavering "We've got you covered!"

The man's brow scrunched together, and the pressure on Shinji's head faltered somewhat. "Shinji?" he shoved the pistol straight into the base of the boy's head, assuring an instant kill "Is that you, Shinji Ikari? Son of Gendo Ikari?"

"Yes!" he replied, gritting his teeth "And you?"

"Ryouji Kaji" the man breathed "I'm the one delivering the Eva." He brought down his gun, which Touji and Kensuke promptly copied.

Shinji whipped his head around, indeed confirming the presence of scruff and a ponytail on the man called Kaji. With a nervous smile, he returned his attention to the girl in front of him.

"So then you must be-" A violent headbutt knocked him backwards.

"Asuka Langley Sorhyu" the girl finished for him, rubbing her own head and pocketing the knife.

"It's a pleasure." he groaned as he picked himself up off the ground.

"Hmmph, so unprofessional" Asuka scoffed wearing what would have been a very condescending look were it not for the angry red spot on her forehead. "Just what I'd expect from some common street trash and his goons, c'mon Kaji" she moved to stand next to her guardian "it's obvious we're wasting our time here."

Shinji turned around to look at the haughty redhead, her arms crossed as she stood next to Kaji.

"_I have a feeling I'm supposed to remember something important_" he thought, his gaze wandering to the low cut of her dress, a hint of white bra underneath now visible due to the scuffle "_Something about…_"

He snapped his fingers. "Hey Kaji," he called "who's got the best melons?"

"Katsuragi, of course" Kaji answered, not missing a beat "By the way, I hear you two are all cozy now. Tell me, is she still a demon in the sack?"

Asuka looked between the two, following Shinji's line of sight to her chest, blood rushing to her cheeks. "_Pervert_" she seethed and promptly stormed out of the room.

"Aw man I fuckin' knew it!" Touji shouted, throwing his cap on the floor "There's no way you could have a chick that fine living under the same roof and _not_ give her the business."

Shinji just shook his head, glad that the situation had eased down somewhat.

"Let's try this again," he stated, hand outstretched "I'm Shinji Ikari."

"Ryoji Kaji" the man met him halfway, flashing a laid-back grin "So who are your goons back there?"

"Officers Suzuhara and Aida offered their services as police escorts in case the situation got out of hand."

"Smart move, though you may want to reconsider your choice in henchmen for the future. Preferably ones that remember to take the safety off before they start threatening anyone."

"This thing was on safety?" Kensuke muttered as he inspected his gun.

"Jesus Christ, Ken. Don't point that at your fuckin' face!" Touji slapped the pistol out of his friend's hands.

"So where'd she go off to?" Shinji gestured towards the empty space occupied mere moments ago by the furious _fräulein_.

"Probably down to the loading bay to cool off for a while" Kaji shrugged "I'd let her be for now, she'll burn herself out eventually."

And burn she did. To any poor worker who was in earshot she described in exquisite detail the absolute _gall_ and _audacity_ of these third-rate two-bit good-for-nothing STOOGES and how if this was the way they treated guests she was, quite frankly, disgusted and appalled.

"I'm an important person!" she raged at a migrant worker who spoke little Japanese to begin with "They can't just do that! I should have a limousine and an armed escort! Not some hentai in bondage gear and his crooked cop buddies!"

The worker remained silent, attempting to keep himself calm enough to refrain from driving the business end of his power drill into his eye socket to end the suffering. Realizing that she was being ignored, Asuka stomped over to the edge of the ramp to take her anger out on the ocean.

"I AM THE QUEEN! I AM THE BITCH!" she cried, now quivering with impotent rage "I AM ASUKA LANGLEY SOHRYU DAMMIT SO FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"

Her shrill siren's call was answered by a thunderous rush of water spraying up out of the sea, summarily followed by what Asuka could only describe as a huge eyeless fish of some sort, which beached itself on the metal ramp. The force of the crash seemingly rocked the entire boat, knocking her flat on her back. Crawling backwards on her elbows, she couldn't look away as the front end of the beast opened up in a horrid trifold parody of a mouth, its innards not flesh and blood but iron and a viscous purple fluid. Nestled in the center of its serrated jaws was a faintly glowing red sphere, which Asuka swore blinked at her before the _thing_ charged. She heaved herself off the floor and sprinted back to her Eva, her legs a blur. Behind her, the beast roared, the sound drilling its way into her bones.

Asuka found Kaji and the stooges much in the same way that she'd left them, only now they were milling around her uncovered Eva.

"There you are!" Shinji called from inside the cockpit. Inside the cockpit. Inside HER Unit-02. "What the hell happened out there?"

She ignored him, dashing straight for the canopy release. "There's some crazy Japanese robot-fish-slug-THING trying to eat me" she gasped in between grunts "and I kind of need my Eva to stop that from happening. So get out. _Now._"

Shinji's face hardened, as did his grip on the steering wheel. "Probably an Angel. I've dealt with these guys before; you won't have to worry about a thing."

"Like hell I don't you twerp!" she barked "This is my Eva and I'd die before I let some little brat think he can show me up in my own ride!" Her rage only intensified as she watched him flip more switches on the console. "God, you aren't even doing it right, give it here!"

"Hey, watch where you're stepping!" Shinji complained as Asuka jumped into the cabin.

"Settle down children" Kaji ordered in a calm tone from the corner of the room, which was slowly filling with water. "What if I told you there was a way to _double_ your chances of killing that thing?"

Their bright faces leapt up against the glass. "REALLY? HOW?" they asked in unison.

Kaji paused to light a smoke before flashing them his trademark playboy smile.

* * *

"I can't believe he talked me into going through with this" the pair muttered simultaneously as they sat in cramped cockpit of Evangelion Unit-02.

"Well you're in it now so you might as well make the best of the situation." Misato's cheery complexion informed the over the viewscreen "Though our initial readings suggest that your sync scores are way up!."

"Who are you and how do you have this frequency?!" Asuka jabbed a finger at the pixelated image of the doctor.

"That's Misato, she… handles stuff for my dad." He turned his attention to the screen "So what do we know about this guy?"

"As far as I can tell from what little footage we have it seems to be an amphibious assault craft of some kind, though its unique construction makes it nearly undetectable by traditional sonar imaging."

"Is it another Angel?"

"A what?" Asuka interjected.

Misato continued. "I can't say, I've never seen anything like it. It seems to be circling the ship now but I'd be careful trying to fight it underwater, who knows what might happen."

Shinji paused to think as he looked over the Eva's controls "The Angels are this rival gang that's been trying to break my dad's grip on the city for a while now, this isn't the first time they've pulled a stunt like this."

"What do you know, _dummkopf_? Even that commander lady thinks you're clearly out of your depth" She shoved him forward, taking hold of the wheel "Now let me show you how a REAL pilot takes care of things."

She twisted the keys in the ignition, breathing life into her own monster, its tinted green 5000-watt eyes blazing at a fury rivaling its driver's.

"Defense grid coming online, diverting main generator output to magnetohydrodynamic propulsion." Asuka called out, flipping and pulling what Shinji privately referred to as the 'Aw yeah' switch and the 'Shit just got real' lever. "EVA UNIT-02, LAUNCH!"

The two pilots were thrown into the rear of the cabin as the roar of the engine informed them of their imminent departure. A squeal of the tires and a splash in the ocean later and the crimson chariot had leapt from the confines of the boat, diving below the calm waters.

"_Wow_" the young redhead silently stared out of the spherical cockpit with a look of childlike wonder "_I've never actually dived in the Eva before; I can't let him know that though._" The two watched breathlessly as the red-orange craft steered silently among the sunken ruins of the old city. "_It's so quiet and he hasn't said a word since we went under._"

Meanwhile, Shinji's thoughts revolved around more immediate and pressing concerns. "_Oh God is that her boob I mean it could be a shoulder but it feels so soft and there are two of them._" A singular bead of sweat found its way down his back as he gulped and renewed his grip on the steering wheel. "_Kensuke you lying sonovabitch, they don't feel like sandbags at all_." He spied a familiar looking targeting system on the command console and sought to take control of the situation. "_I have no clue what the hell I'm doing, but I can't let her know that._"

"Loading CY-1 torpedoes into Launch Bays 1 & 2" he recited, a grin daring to make an appearance on his normally morose face. Asuka caught its reflection in the reflective glass of the canopy. Suddenly, a blip appeared a few hundred meters east of their position on the sonar.

"Alright rookie, let's go fishing!" She shoved the throttle forward, sending the Eva rocketing after its prey.

* * *

Far below the smoky barroom of Ponzi's Tavern, a certain blonde doctor threw up in her mouth a little.

"Okay I get it," Ritsuko groaned, unable to stomach any more awkward romantic comedy hijinks "They're perfect for each other; it's a match made in Heaven." She reached over to turn the monitor off before one of the newlyweds decided to unleash another _hilarious_ one-liner on the world. Gendo brought his hand up, halting her.

"Hey now, don't you remember what I taught you about the finer points of surveillance?" he let out a little laugh. "Besides, I think this is an excellent opportunity to get to know my son better."

"You mean gain leverage on him."

"Hey if the kid was willing to talk about anything other than what a failure of a human being I am I'd be more than open to a little heart-to-heart." Gendo responded from over his shoulder "Fact is he's got those all those little _feelings_ and _emotions_ locked up tighter than a Vegas virgin so if you wanna blame anyone, blame him."

"You're hopeless" Ritsuko said, not really paying attention as she rifled through her bag looking for a smoke.

"Not as hopeless as Shinji, look at him. You'd think he never been within ten feet of a girl before." He shook his head, bringing his drink up to his lips "I knew he was a late bloomer and all but hell I thought he'd be milking this ace pilot shit for all it's worth."

"He probably spends most of his time in his room you know. Thinking about his mom I bet."

"Well then we'll just have to get him thinking about work. With Rei and Yui and his little friends here he won't move an inch, I can promise you that but it isn't worth shit if he doesn't get his ass in gear." Behind tinted lenses, his eyes focused on Asuka "So I gave him some real competition, and if things work out like I'm sure they will, he'll have his very own damsel to protect just like he's always wanted."

Ritsuko let go the pull of her cigarette, watching the cloud gather in a bluish haze in front of the monitor. "Seems a little much, honestly."

"You know me" Flashes of gunfire and explosions reflected off his glasses "I'd rather not take the chance."

"Suit yourself." Ritsuko grabbed her bag and began making her way down the pyramid.

"Where're you headed?" As if he didn't already know.

"Someone has to personally supervise the intra-organizational fraternization that's to come"

"_And it sure as hell won't be me._" She added mentally.

The doctor continued on her way to the door, not even looking back "Once all the gratuitous violence is done, anyway."

A crooked smile. "That's my girl."

* * *

Asuka could just about scream. The torpedo missed yet _again_. Here she was, trying to show this idiot how to properly operate a complex machine of war like the Evangelion and he's just going off about how he's "trying his best". Pathetic.

"Tracking, tracking" Shinji muttered "there, THERE! TARGET COMING IN HOT AT 5 O' CLOCK!" He willed the machine forward, narrowly avoiding a collision with the white beast.

Such an amateur evasive maneuver, really. If this was the guy making headlines all over town she was, quite frankly, not impressed. Honestly, he looked more like the type to stop and smell the roses on the way to work than kick anyone's ass in a high-stakes race. The type to strum slow love songs on an acoustic guitar while it rained outside. The type to hold you in his arms on a cloudy morning and tell you that everything's going to be alright, all the while staring intensely with those stormy blue eyes. The type to-

She found her daydrea- err, _visions_ interrupted by a half-ton of gleaming white fish-beast slamming into her precious Unit-02. The force knocked her into Shinji, instinctively wrapping her arms around his torso.

"Don't get any funny ideas" she immediately smacked him upside the head.

"_Oh believe me I'm waaay ahead of you_" Shinji tried to ignore the growing problem in the front of his skin-tight suit, channeling his frustration at the circling beast instead.

"UNIT-02! ACTIVATE DEPTH CHARGE DISPERSAL UNITS!" he shouted.

"_Zugriff verweigert_" answered a computerized female voice.

"What?"

"Ugh," Asuka rolled her eyes "You are just the most useless person." She tapped a few commands on the console and the steering wheel seemingly split, giving her a pair of butterfly handles with which to hold onto while Shinji gripped the throttle. "Set command language to Japanese and launch depth charges!"

Without warning the creature made another pass, this time intending to chomping on the Eva itself..

"OH FEELING A BIT PECKISH ARE WE?" Asuka thundered, filling the tiny space with her voice "HOW ABOUT YOU EAT THIS!" A pair of ports slid open on Unit-02's front end, firing off a blistering volley of 20 mm rounds. Essentially working as oversized powerheads, the guns ravaged the delicate inner mechanisms controlling the mouth. Recoiling in what could be described as pain, the creature let go of the Eva, retreating to the surface.

"WE'VE GOT IT ON THE RUN, HOLD ON!" Shinji released the ballast, careful not to let the craft rise too fast lest decompression claim both their lives before the Angel. Remerging from beneath the waves, the pair watched in shock as the creature leapt from the water, only for plates on its back to quickly retract and sprout VTOL stabilizer jets.

"OH COME ON!" Asuka cried "IT CAN FUCKING FLY TOO?"

"JUST ACTIVATE HOVER MODE AND GO AFTER IT ALREADY!" Shinji was growing tired of her incessant complaining.

"THIS EVA IS OUTFITTED WITH B-TYPE AQUATIC EQUIPMENT YOU IDIOT!" She shot back "IT CAN'T FLY."

From up on high, the hovering beast let loose with a few heat-seeking missiles, the duo's eyes widening. Gunning the engine, Shinji began winding around in a serpentine pattern to try and lose them.

"I'VE GOT A PLAN BUT I NEED YOU TO COVER ME!" he yelled to his fellow pilot. " JUST KEEP HIM OFF MY ASS!"

"WITH PLEASURE!" Asuka's face regained its determined edge and she donned the targeting eyepiece linked to the remote guns. A fierce exchange of bullets ensued as Shinji weaved around the docks, trying to find an angle of attack. A wayward missile from the flying beast crashed into the water off to their right, capsizing a local fishing trawler. Weighing his options, Shinji figured at least this way he'd have the element of surprise. "THE ARMOR'S BEING TORN ALL TO HELL SO WHATEVER YOU'RE GONNA DO, DO IT NOW!"

Bringing the Eva about in a wide turn, Shinji paused for a moment before revving the engines, his eyes darting between the upturned boat and their floating assailant. Asuka followed his line of sight, now understanding her fellow pilot's intentions and quickly moved to voice her opinion.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" the cabin lurched back from the acceleration "I TOLD YOU WE CAN'T FLY!"

Shinji ignored her comment, now scanning the command console for a suitable weapon. "DON'T YOU HAVE ANY RAMS OR SPIKES ON THIS THING?" he asked over his shoulder.

"HA!" the cockiness returned to her voice "I'VE GOT BETTER THAN THAT. UNIT-02, ACTIVATE _SCHÄDEL BRECHER_."

"WHAT?" And then the smooth nose of the craft transformed, opening to reveal a set of massive spinning axes that emitted a bright purple glow. "OH HELL YES!"

Using the capsized boat as a makeshift ramp, the pilots launched the Eva into the air, aiming directly for the floating white beast. The very air seemed to stand still, and contrary to just moments before, the two pilots watched in absolute silence as the purple blades sliced into the creature, leaving wicked scars and shredded steel in their wake. The full weight of the Eva then impacted the now quickly-descending beast, carving through even more of its mouth and smooth white body. The two titans crashed into the sea, the "beast" now little more than a ravaged mass of sparking ruined machinery. It fired off a torpedo feebly into the water before catching fire, bringing a smile to the pilots' faces.

"YEAH!" Shinji yelled, flipping off the flaming wreckage "YOU JUST GOT FUCKED!"

"THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING!" Asuka joined in, letting off a celebratory burst of machine gun fire.

"YEAH, AND THE SPINNING AXES AND SHIT? GENIUS." Shinji turned his body around to face her.

"I KNOW RIGHT? KAJI LAUGHED AND SAID IT WAS A DUMB IDEA BUT LOOK WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!" She pumped her fists wildly in the air, then slumped back into her seat. "Holy shit, that had to be- that was so…"

"Intense?" he leaned forward.

"Mind-boggling." She matched his movements.

"Insane?"

"The craziest!" she gasped. Then she stopped. Their faces were so close she could actually feel his breath on her skin, his scent mixing with the faint presence of their sweat in the air. Then she slapped him. "And the STUPIDEST move I've ever seen! Do you know how long it's going to take to repair Unit-02 after that stunt you pulled? Ugh."

The two huffed and retreated to their own corners, or attempted to, rather as the cabin was only about four feet in diameter.

"Shut up!" they shouted at each other in unison "You don't know anything about me!"

A bright light from outside caught their attention. There stood Kaji and Misato on a small boat watching interestedly at the pair's antics.

"I hope we aren't interrupting anything." Kaji smirked "Gendo's guys are on their way to do recovery so you'll be coming with us."

"Thank God" Asuka punched the canopy release "Anything to get away from this suicidal _dummkopf_."

"Oooh I wouldn't get too excited" Misato informed her as they climbed aboard "You'll be staying with me and Sad Eyes at Casa Katsuragi while you're here."

"Kaji is she serious?" Asuka's fists balled "You told me we'd have our own place together!"

"If I remember correctly, I said that _I_ was getting my own place." The man laughed and ruffled her hair, nearly pushing her anger past the boiling point. "Smarten up kiddo. Besides, I'm sure you don't want to spend your whole vacation with boring old me."

"But Kaaaaji" came the predictable whine. At the helm of the dinghy, Misato steadily steered the boat towards the docks.

"So, is that a banana in your suit or are ya just happy to see me?" she whispered in Shinji's ear.

"Oh shit, is it that obvious?" he quickly turned around to cover his crotch with his hands "I think I've been slapped enough for one day."

"She's a feisty one alright" Misato turned to give him a hopeful smile "Don't give me that look; you just took down some next-level flying alien goon! Celebrate!"

"Yeah, it's gonna be one real interesting housewarming." He sat down at the edge of the boat, his gaze pointedly avoiding the redheaded firebrand standing with her nose in the air at the bow.

"You did good out there, kid" Kaji laid a hand on his shoulder "I gotta admit, I wasn't expecting much from some moist-lookin' goon in spandex but you've changed my mind." The man leaned in a little closer. "And by the way, _I_ _grow_ the best melons. I'll contact you when it's safe."

The small boat disembarked and the group parted ways for the night. Across town, in an otherwise empty apartment, an expensive looking headset crashed into a bedroom wall. A white-haired young man stared at the cracks it left in the drywall before answering his buzzing phone.

"You disappoint me, Kaworu" said the distorted voice over the phone.

A smirk before answering. "I was merely testing the waters is all. He's much too soft to survive in this town for long. Her too."

"You lack discipline. Whether or not that will impede our goals is something I will take into consideration."

His grip tightened on the phone "Of course, Father." He hung up and looked at the wall again, which was littered with various pins, pictures, and maps.

"Well, you know what they say" Kaworu thought out loud, examining one particular photograph of a mysterious blue-haired girl. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

A/N: Well this was kind of a bitch to write. I wouldn't hold your breath for a lot of SUPER SRS DRAMA since the hospital scene is about as poignant as I plan on making this thing. Still, I'll try to keep updates on a regular schedule.


	7. Satan is My Motor

A/N: Some more Thanksgiving turkey level shit for you hungry souls to snack on. I'd like to take the time to give a shout-out to all 2-3 of my fans, you've each gained official homie status and I fuck with you. Honestly though, my workload is getting pretty serious so expect chapters to keep coming in this sort of 7-8 day time frame.

* * *

Shiro Tokita was experiencing what most people would refer to as a "bad hair day." Not literally of course, as his perfectly coiffed locks stood in defiance of the common turn of phrase. No, it simply seemed as though nothing was going right today.

'_Damn those incompetent fools_' he thought as he walked down the steps of Fujikawa Intermediate Academy to his limousine '_If I say my little Aya-chan is getting an A in Math then she damn well better receive one before I throw everyone in that wretched school under the bus_.'

"Take me to a Starbucks," he sighed, taking a seat "I could do with a nice chai latte to soothe my nerves."

"Mmm I can't blame you Shiro." Tokita's head shot up as he realized he wasn't alone in the backseat, his gaze met by a pair of tinted sunglasses among other figures clothed in black. "Those Americans really do know how to whip up a tasty beverage."

Shiro panicked and lunged for the door, only to be held in place by two muscular goons rushing to his side.

"Leaving so soon?" Gendo crooned "But it's been so long since we've seen each other, old sport. Tell me, how are the wife and kids?"

"What is this about?!" Shiro yelped, losing his composure "Let me go this instant!"

"Oh you know I can't do that." Gendo motioned for one of his lackeys to come hither, brandishing a wicked-looking pair of bolt cutters. "Not until we have a chat about what exactly went down in Old Tokyo."

"I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"You never were a very convincing liar, Shiro." The captive man's head turned to stare at the goon positioning the box cutters right over his ring finger. He was smaller than the rest of the men accompanying Gendo but like them, wore a face-obscuring mask. It might have been a trick of the light, but Shiro swore that his irises glowed bright red. "Now," Gendo continued "you either start telling us the truth or these little piggies-" he put pressure on the arm of the bolt cutter, making Shiro wince "find their way into Mrs. Tokita's mailbox."

"I told you I don't know anything! I-it was a mutiny; those guys were acting alone!"

"Bullshit," Gendo growled "my son was there, he heard everything. Now I know for a fact that a limp-dick pencil pusher like you couldn't possibly have the balls to try and fuck me on a scale like this on your own." He leaned forward, getting right in Shiro's sweaty, panicking face "So tell me, who's pulling your strings?"

"F-fuck you." Shiro spat.

A crooked smile. "Wrong answer." Not for the first time, Gendo silently congratulated himself for splurging on soundproofing his fleet of limos.

* * *

Unbeknownst to Shiro Tokita, a certain redheaded girl, in the same city no less, shared his exact same sentiments regarding the day's events.

'_This sucks_' Asuka thought as she looked around the meager living space she'd been given '_Cardboard walls, Kleenex doors, it's sickening to have to live in these conditions._' She walked around the room for a bit, examining the towering piles of boxes that dominated the room. '_They just barely fit my stuff in here, any smaller and I'd have to take the idiot's room too._' She slid open the flimsy door, taking in the stunning _averageness_ of the apartment itself. '_I thought his dad was supposed to be some big mob boss or something, wouldn't he give his own son someplace, I dunno… bigger?_'

Her stomach grumbled, owing it's emptiness to her rather late awakening. '_He said something about cooking for Misato last night._' she thought, a devilish grin appearing on her face '_Shouldn't be too hard to convince a housebroken male like him to wait on hand and foot for the other lady of the house._'

Asuka paused at the closed door of Shinji's room, wondering how to go about rousing the apartment's resident baka. '_I can't let him think that he calls any of the shots around here after yesterday's little episode. No, he's gonna learn today._'

"SHINJI!" She yelled, all but tearing his door off its frame "GET YOUR SCRAWNY ASS OUT HERE AND MAKE ME" her voice diminished as she looked around the deserted room "Some motherfucking… breakfast?"

"AYE!" an annoyed-looking Misato growled, rubbing her eyes as she stumbled into the room. "The fuck's your problem, Red? Some of us are tryin' to sleep." She took in the sight of the confused German girl scanning Shinji's vacant bed. "I knew you were a little in heat and all but you could wait until the guy gets back before you jump his bones."

Asuka was not amused by her comment, choosing to communicate her displeasure in the most honored pastime of teenagers the world over: passive aggression.

"Hmmpf, like I'd ever waste my time with an idiot like him. I just wanted him to make himself useful and cook me some breakfast." She stomped around the room a few more times. "Where is the little twerp anyway?"

"He mentioned having to talk to his mom about something important, I think."

"What," Asuka scoffed "Daddy's not giving him enough attention so he has to run crying to Mommy too?"

"She's in the hospital." All traces of humor vanished from Asuka's face, and an awkward silence filled the apartment for a few moments.

"W-well yeah," Asuka countered, letting out a nervous laugh "I mean if I had that idiot as a son I'd probably be sick to my stomach too."

"… Alrighty then," Misato said, stepping back out into the hallway "I've got some personal errands to run so I'll be out for a while too. No jobs today so I guess you're free, don't OD on my stash or set anything on fire while I'm gone."

"Ugh, why would I stay in this boring ass apartment when there's a whole city out there?"

"Look, I'll take you to Ponzi's and you can go off and explore all the little nooks and crannies your heart's content from there. Just don't die."

'_Thanks a bunch, Gendo._" Misato thought, observing the ranting teen "_This is definitely how I wanted to spend my off day._'

"Whatever, let's go."

* * *

Some time later, Misato's Baby Blue Renault pulled up to the trademark unremarkable façade of the aging bar.

"What am I supposed to do here?" Asuka huffed, stepping out onto the sidewalk.

"Hell if know, that sounds like a personal problem." The tires squealed and the woman whooped as she peeled out. "Get like me, Red!"

Asuka watched her tear down the decrepit city streets, clutching her purse a little tighter as she took in the seediness of the establishment she stood in front of. She hoisted her nose up and strutted past the bouncer, who rolled his eyes. She nearly gagged once she actually opened the door, what with the thick clouds of smoke in the air clinging to the back of her throat like fuzzy grey spiders. There weren't many people in the building itself. Some older looking men tossing back brews occupied a few booths in the back, but everywhere else was empty except for the elderly bartender talking to a young girl with blue hair at the bar.

Taking the initiative, Asuka sat down next to the girl, hoping to spark a conversation in the otherwise male-dominated space. She put on her phoniest "let's be buddies" grin as she turned to her.

"If this is a come-on, I'm sorry but I don't swing that way." Rei interrupted the girl's slowly opening mouth "Maya might be able to help you out though."

Asuka's smile was instantly replaced by a look of seething rage as she prepared to round on the insolent bitch.

"Listen you, my name is Asuka Lang-"

"-ley Sorhyu, Pilot of Evangelion Unit-02." Rei finished for her "Welcome aboard and leave your soul and dignity at the door, please."

Asuka was beside herself, her brain simply couldn't reconcile the feeling of smugness that she was becoming a household name among random bar tramps with the feeling of anger that this… this little DOLL thought she could out-bitch Asuka Langely Sohryu. Well she was wrong. _Dead_ wrong.

"Not that I'm surprised," Asuka sneered from her high horse "but how did you know my name?"

"I'm the Angel of Death, but you can call me Rei" she answered, wiping her nose "It's my duty to keep tabs on everyone in this hellhole so when their number comes up" she made a slicing motion across her neck "my job becomes easier."

"Yeah, okay."

"Believe what you want Red, but, from one girl to another: I'd say it's better to have a little faith in all these ghost stories floating around."

Asuka sighed and looked around the dusty bar, its deadened atmosphere the last thing she expected from a Tokyo-3 vacation.

"So what do you do for fun around here?" She asked morosely.

"Mmm, you mean besides the murdering and the drugs? Tough call." Rei took a moment to rifle through her bag before producing a small card. "Do you party?"

Asuka's eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Rei's eyebrow raised slightly in response to the girl's accusing stare. "It means… do you party? You know like dancing with music and whatnot?" she cocked her head to the side "Gee, I knew the Germans went on a little power-trip after Second Impact and all but I didn't think they had the Fourth Reich setting up shop already. Is it just 24/7 Fun Lockdown over there?"

Asuka ignored the comment about her country, preferring to stew in her own thoughts. '_I swear, you start one little _Anschluss _and suddenly no one ever lets you live it down._'

"Yeah, I party. Probably way better than anyone in this dead-end town." Asuka bragged "Why, you know any places where a discriminating young woman might go to show you how it's done?"

"So Lil' Miss Sour Kraut thinks she goes harder than hood rats, huh?" Rei grinned, handing her the card "The place is called-"

* * *

"-The Ninth Circle." Kaworu grinned, watching as Shinji looked over the card. "Hottest nightclub in town; very exclusive."

"Doesn't that mean I have to be on a list or something?" Shinji asked. Coming out of the hospital, he'd been told to look out for the mysterious envoy the angels had sent to work out some sort of cease-fire between the two groups. But he didn't think he'd be planning to meet the guy for drinks later as soon as the meeting was over.

"C'mon Shin-man" Kaworu put his arm around Shinji's shoulders "I can call you Shin-man, right? Or whattabout the Shinjinator?"

"Just Shinji's fine."

"Whatever you say, Shinster. Anyway, you gotta listen to me: fuck lists. Seriously? You're top dog! You're the son of the man who's been kickin' ass and takin' names since most of these goons were still learnin' to wipe their asses!" He used his free arm to help paint the mental picture for Shinji "And on top of that you've been dumping on every clown in the racing game since you started up. There is no reason that Shinji "Bad Motherfucker" Ikari and his main dude K-Nasty should not be able to walk into any club in the city and not be drowning in pussy and LQ."

"Drowning in it?" Shinji paused, his imagination taking the bait and running wild.

"Man, a fuckin' hotshot racer like you? Shiit, all the Shin-man has to do is pull up to the scene in that sweet-ass ride and I guarantee you'll have all the bitches wet."

"I dunno man," Shinji extricated himself from Kaworu's grip "This feels all kinds of weird coming from somebody who had a price on my head up until a few hours ago."

* * *

"It's up to you, really," Rei shrugged "but just about anyone who matters in this town is gonna be at that party."

"Alright," Asuka agreed after having looked over the card for a few minutes "count me in."

"Boss Gendo said that your Eva's just about out of the shop and refitted, so we can show up everybody at the club in that if you want."

A grin crossed Asuka's face. "I like the way you think."

A beeping sound from her wrist caught Rei's attention. "Welp, there goes my Bechdel Timer." she stood up and began walking towards the door "See you later, chica."

Just as Rei reached to turn the doorknob, a pair of familiar-looking police officers stumbled into the bar.

"_Oh God,_" Asuka thought "_It's those two stooges from the boat! Please don't see me, please don't see me, please don't see me._"

"Officer Loverboy," Rei nodded to Kensuke, who seemed to have momentarily short-circuited "Deputy Dipshit." She saluted his comrade.

"Fuck off Angel Cakes, I ain't in the mood" Touji grunted.

"Oooh, feisty. What's the matter? Wifey got you in the doghouse?" She chuckled at his furious glare "You should take a few tips from Loverboy over here; he always knows the right thing to say."

"H-hi Rei." Kensuke stuttered.

"It's none of your business." Touji marched his way straight to the bar to place his order.

"What a shame," Rei pouted "it's truly sad what a bad case of blue balls will do to a man, ain't that right Loverboy?"

"Hi Rei." He repeated robotically.

"Goodbye Kensuke." she smiled, walking out the door.

"_He's so hopeless, just like that idiot Shinji_" Asuka observed as the duo made their way to the bar.

"Oh shit, Ken look!" Touji elbowed his buddy in the ribs "It's that crazy German bitch from last night!"

"I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE YOU KNOW!" Asuka exploded.

"Alright, alright jeez, take it easy" Kensuke took a step back from the girl's outburst "Yeah it's her alright."

"What are you doin' out here anyways, Red?" Touji scratched his chin "Last I saw you 'n Shinji we're gettin' all cozy in the Eva together."

"The only things that are going to get _cozy_ are my foot and your balls if you don't shut the fuck up in the next five seconds."

"You wanna dial it back there a little, Red?" Touji smirked "I'll have you know it's illegal to threaten an officer of the law."

"Pfft, the only law around here is Gendo and his goons" Asuka shoved her way through the pair toward the exit "You two can prance around in your matching blue jammies and shiny badges all you want but it doesn't mean shit to anyone with real power."

The two watched in curious fascination as the German firebrand slammed the door, only to immediately reenter and stomp towards the women's bathroom, staring down any man unlucky enough to be in her way.

"Man, the fuck was that about?" Kensuke scratched the back of his neck.

"Dunno, but she needs to get laid." Touji grabbed a seat at the bar "Speaking of which, you think Sad Eyes invaded Miss Rhineland with his little soldier yet?"

"What?"

"Ya know, Shinji! Did he put his frank in her furter, his ham in her burger?" He stopped to emphasize his statements with a few hip thrusts "Did our homeboy storm her beaches?"

"I'm pretty sure the Normandy landings took place in France and not Germany." Kensuke clarified, the joke cruising at a cool 30,000 feet above his head. Touji was less than amused.

"FINE Ken, whaddya want me to say? That he really _Schutz_'d her _staffel_, that he mounted his flag on her _Reichstag?_" A purplish vein etched its way across Touji's forehead "Is that fucking historically accurate enough for you?"

Kensuke could only stare at his friend in stunned disbelief. "Jesus, man, forget Red; what crawled up YOUR ass?"

"Alright, I'm just sorta on edge is all." Touji sighed, calming somewhat. "Things have been a little tense between me 'n Hikari lately. That and I haven't been getting any." His voice trailed off for the last few words.

A shit-eating grin slowly formed around Kensuke's mouth.

"You wanna say that a little bit louder, Touji?"

"I said I haven't been getting any, all right. Fuck." He rested his head in his hands "Don't laugh, you prick. I might be havin' a dry spell but it'll be cold day in hell before Angel Cakes decides she wants to do the no-pants dance with a five-foot-five bleedin' vagina like you."

"What's that Deputy Dipshit? I couldn't hear ya over the sound of your poor blue balls backed up like a gas station toilet."

"Eat a dick, Ken."

Kensuke put on his best dumb jock voice. "Hey maaaan, the thirst is reaaaal. I'm just sayin' thaaaat-" His imitation was cut short by a quick punch to the shoulder. "Take it easy man, I'm just fuckin' with ya."

The pair continued with their barroom antics, unaware of their friend's plans for the night. As the afternoon wore on into the evening, said somber-eyed friend found himself silently thumbing the card Kaworu had given him.

"_Look, I know our dads don't exactly fuck with each other on a regular basis like this._" the white-haired boy's voice echoed in his head "_But between you 'n me I think enough blood's been spilled on both sides, you feel me?._" Shinji walked over to the window, looking out at the setting sun. "_You're fuckin' gonna love it Shinji, it's some real VIP no-expense-spared type shit. All arranged by yours truly._"

His concentration was broken by the sound of Misato and Kaji (mainly the former) bumbling into the apartment.

"Hey Shinji," Misato chirped as the three exchanged pleasantries "haven't seen you in a while, whatcha been up to?"

"Not much, saw my mom at the hospital for a bit" Shinji noticed that Kaji's eyes met his own at the mention of his mother "and I met with that 'Tabris' guy the Angels sent."

"Tabris, that like a pharoah's name or somethin'?," she scrunched her buzzed face in concentration.

"His real name's Kaworu." Shinji said "His dad runs this chapter of Angels uptown AKA the same dudes who've been trying to ice me since I got here."

"As long as they keep up their end of the deal I wouldn't worry about it too much." Misato walked over to the fridge. "The Angels might be a little weird but they aren't stupid: war's bad for business. Gendo knows it too."

"So what's your read on him?" Kaji asked, noting the boy's conflicted expression "I've heard my own share of stories about Pretty Boy, but it seemed like he wanted to get to know you personally."

"He's a little… out there I guess." Shinji shrugged "Guy's a fiend for parties, and he wouldn't stop talking. Said he could get me into VIP at someplace called the Ninth Circle."

"Oooh, sounds like fun!" Misato wagged her finger "Better watch yourself Sad Eyes, Ninth Circle's smack dab in enemy turf."

"Think you can handle yourself out there, kid?" Kaji asked "I'd hate for Gendo's MVP to wake up hung over in bathtub fulla ice before the week is through." He took a moment to scratch the seemingly permanent patch of stubble on his chin. "I think I'll ride with you so I can get a feel for this place."

"I don't even know if I wanna go." Shinji looked at the card again "I'm not exactly big on parties."

"C'mon kid," Kaji stepped up to the plate, wrapping his arm around Shinji's shoulders "You're out there bustin' your ass tryin' to get this paper every damn day, I think you deserve a break."

Shinji edged away from the man "I dunno, I-"

"It's a shame you know," Kaji leaned into the boy's ear "I heard Asuka was going to be there. She said something about hoping to see you later."

But Shinji stopped listening at the mention of the redhead's name, his mind already conjuring lurid images of a helpless Asuka in _that_ dress surrounded on all sides by hulking, faceless goons, steadily encroaching upon the poor girl.

"_Ohhhh nooooo~_" she called out in a breathy moan, her form cast in a hazy glow on the dance floor "_I need you, Shinji. Save meeeee~_"

Kaji was getting a bit worried; the kid's eyes had seemingly glazed over and had this weird thousand-yard stare going on.

"Hey!" he snapped his fingers "The hell-"

"There's no time to waste, Kaji!" Shinji declared, swiping the Eva's keys from the kitchen counter. "Those bastards don't stand a chance!" And with that, he disappeared out the door.

"Ya just had to go for the low-hanging fruit, huh?" Misato sighed, watching the grin on Kaji's face as he reveled in his plan's coming together. "How did you even know she was going to be there?"

A quick scoff. "You kidding me? She's been blowing up my fuckin' phone about it all damn day."

"Mmm when you say it like that it almost makes me jealous" she giggled, pushing him away. He just rolled his eyes.

"Well, if you'll excuse me" Kaji went, striding over to the door "I gotta go play wingman for Sad Eyes."

"Don't stay out too late, alright."

"I'll be back before you know it" he winked, blowing her a quick kiss before closing the door.

"Yeah, that's what you said last time" she whispered to an empty nest.

* * *

"Well if it isn't Gendo Ikari! Good to see you!"

In the crowded reception hall for the police department's annual fundraiser, Gendo turned to look at the municipal bureaucrat in his natural habitat: kissing ass.

"And you are…?"

"I'm sorry, where are my manners? My name is Hayao Imaishi, superintendent of schools for Tokyo-3."

"Ah, right, good to know." Gendo returned his attention to Ritsuko in her evening gown. "I swear it's been the same damn thing all night." A small grin flitted across his face. "You know what they say, pimpin' ain't ea-"

"I'm quite aware of the difficulties involved in running our operation, thank you." Ritsuko responded dryly. "It's bound to happen I guess, what with your _generous_ charitable donations an all."

"I don't give nothin' away to nobody," Gendo grumbled, downing the last of his drink "I just pay the cost of doing business."

"Speaking of business expenses, how's Shinji's mother doing?"

"How the Hell should I know?" he began his return trek to the open bar "Ask Shinji."

"Well I would but a little birdie told me he's out for a night on the town."

"Am I supposed to give a shit?"

"The birdie also added that he took a certain purple and green craft into Angel territory."

Gendo's grip on the glass tightened somewhat as he let out a small laugh. "Well I guess I'll just have to give him a nice little time-out when he gets back."

* * *

"You could have told me this thing wasn't built for two, you know." Kaji grunted, shifting around in the small cabin of Unit-01.

"Sorry, just looks bigger on the outside I guess."

"Anyway, just take this right up ahead."

"How do you know this place so well? I mean, I thought you lived in Germany with Asuka."

"This place is home to me too, kid. I grew up on these streets, shit. And the Ninth Circle's always been the spot."

Even before the club came into view, Shinji could practically feel the pulsating beat of the music in the air. Rounding the corner, his vision was flooded with a bright neon glow, the sheer brightness of the building itself seemingly drowning out any other light around it. He stepped out of the Evangelion, noticing a long line of frustrated looking young men and women standing outside the black doors like an immense, gaudy tongue.

"Have fun, Shinji" Kaji waved from the cockpit "I'll be borrowing this baby to make some adjustments. I'll bring her back in one piece, promise."

Shinji whipped around to see Kaji gunning the engine and tearing down the street in Unit-01.

'_That slick motherfucker_' he thought. Turning, he was greeted by a sizeable crowd that had gathered to see the infamous mauve avenger and its pilot in the flesh.

"Holy shit!" a random in the crowd called out "Everybody look, it's Shinji Ikari!"

"Shinji, my man! Get your ass over here!"

"Ohmygawd yeah I'm standing in line and then _Shinji Ikari_ pulls up like outta nowhere!" another screamed into her phone "I'm not lying! Shut up!"

"SHINJI, I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!"

"You're all much too kind, heh" Shinji nervously shuffled his way through the excited throng to the club entrance. The well-muscled bouncer gave him a nod before letting him through.

"Enjoy yourself, Mr. Ikari" he said. "Your invitation is extended to the VIP rooms in the back."

The doors opened to unleash an assault of reds and pinks on Shinji's eyes, all set to the tune of thumping electronic music that he could feel in his bones.

_I want you, to make believe it's the first time ever~ _

He gazed in awe of the stunning acrobatics of the strippers soaring above.

_I'm gonna give it you-ou-ou-ou~_

And the cheers of the people carrying him in left him all but deaf.

_Love will find a way to make it always true._

Finding no sign of Asuka on the dance floor, Shinji eventually made his way to the lavish private rooms nestled around the back, lush with the sounds of flowing drink and giggling girls.

"Hey! Look who showed up to the party!"

Shinji felt a pair of hands clasp his shoulders and he turned to find Kaworu's devious grin decked out in a glimmering white suit.

"Yeah it's pretty dope!" Shinji yelled "Kinda loud though."

"No problem" Kaworu gestured for Shinji to enter a room with him "Come inside, I got some people I wantcha to meet."

He stepped in, noting the lounge's occupants.

"I'm back, bitches!" Kaworu strode in past Shinji "And guess who I brought? Have a seat, Shintastico." He pointed to a seedy-looking man in a green-orange suit by the wall. "That's my boy Izzy."

"'Sup." Izzy raised his glass.

"That's MT." Shinji followed his gaze to a large guy wearing what looked like a cloak covered in weird markings.

"What it do?" MT threw up the Angel's sign, revealing a seven-eyed tattoo on his inner forearm.

"And _these_ young ladies" Kaworu waved over two red-haired girls from the couch "are Mari and Mana."

"Enchanted." Mari sidled up to Shinji's side.

"Charmed." Mana grabbed his other arm.

"Consider it a token of amnesty." Kaworu smiled, pushing the trio into a softly lit room adjacent to the lounge. "Now go get 'em, Shin-man."

"Little Man looked type sketch," MT spoke once Shinji was out of sight "You sure he's good?"

"How 'bout you don't worry ya pretty little head, alright?" Kaworu replied calmly "Yeah, he don't look like much but least he ain't the type to run his mouth and shit."

"Oooh yeah strong and silent types are real original." Izzy sneered from the corner "man, fuck that, everybody play the tough guy 'til shit pop off." In the warm haze of the love den, Shinji and the girls lay sprawled out on a spacious leather couch.

"We were _so_ excited to hear you were coming, Shinji." Mari crooned in her crisp British accent.

"_Sooo _excited." Mana echoed in a sultry tone.

'_Didn't know I was getting this popular._' A smattering of pride managed to weasel its way into Shinji's mind as he looked over the girls hanging off his arms. '_Not that I'm not complaining or nothin', but I'm pretty sure those school uniforms aren't regulation._'

"So," he started grinning "you've heard a little about me?"

"Who hasn't?" Mari laid her head on his shoulder "The city is positively _abuzz _with stories about you."

"Indeed," Mana languidly dragged a finger over his chest "I've waited so very long to meet a man who speaks softly and carries a big stick."

"Huh, so a-are you two like twins or something?" he stammered.

"Mmm, we may as well be" Mari purred, light reflecting off her glasses. "We're best friends you know."

"The best of friends," Mana added "and we share _everything_ together."

"Ev-everything?"

"Oh but of _course_" Mari's own hands began roaming his chest as she leaned into the nape of his neck.

"Is this your first time?" Mana whispered into Shinji's ear, noticing his panicked breathing and deer-in-headlights expression "I meant at the Ninth Circle, silly."

"Ooooh, a cherryboy, how _delightful_." Mari clapped her hands together.

"Don't worry love," Mana reassured him "I'll be gentle."

"Gentle my arse," Mari scoffed "one does not earn the title Iron Maiden by having just a passing fancy for chains and whips."

"JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" Three heads snapped to attention to find a furious German spitfire standing in the doorway.

"The Disney Special." Mari remarked bluntly "But the menu doesn't call for a party of four so I'm going to have to ask that you wait your turn, love."

"Asuka!" Shinji shot up from the couch "It's uhh," he quickly looked from side to side before drooping his shoulders "It's pretty much exactly what you think."

"Yo Shingosaurus," Kaworu popped his head through the curtains separating the rooms "your main dish came through lookin' for ya so I told her go ahead and join the party. You're welcome."

'_Thanks K_' Shinji thought as he withered under the girl's glare "_Ya really pulled through for me. I'm finally about to get it in and you drop the Berlin Wall of cockblock on me._"

"Ahem!" Asuka tapped her foot angrily as the other two girls' expressions soured.

"Forget her, Shinji" Mana came up behind him to coax him back "I think we were doing just fine on our own." Asuka took it upon herself to stomp up to the boy and grab him by the front of the shirt.

"Listen you, I went hungry this morning because of your inconsiderate ass!" she ranted "So next time you're out here whoring it up you might wanna take a second to think about the people who depend on you!" Shinji's face hardened and he tore her hand away.

"You want it so bad make it yourself! I ain't no one's friggin' butler." He got right up in her face as well. "I don't have to explain shit to you. You don't know me!"

"How dare you!" she smacked him "Fine! Go die in a fucking car fire with your coked-up whores for all I care!"

"Hey, it was all just peachy 'til you got here" He turned away slightly. "It's not like I came here to see you or anything."

"I HATE YOU!" she screamed, expressing further anger at being unable to slam the flimsy curtain that separated the rooms. Shinji found himself inexplicably extricating himself from the girl's clutches to watch Asuka storm out into the hallway.

"Mmm, hot and bitchy?" said a voice from behind Shinji. "That's a dangerous combination, compadre. I don't play with fire myself but I can't blame you for liking the oven a lil' preheated."

"She ain't my girl, K" Shinji sighed "I don't even mess with her like that."

"You sure 'bout that? Looks like you're catchin' feelings." Kaworu offered him a drink. "But good on you man it's like I always say: if a man is monogamous, you know what the problem is? Too many bitches got rabies!" Shinji stared at him for a little before continuing.

"…Yeah," he gulped down the drink, coughing a little at the sensation "it's whatever I guess, she can do what she likes."

"So you're cool with her grinding on that brolic-ass silverback-lookin' motherfucker down there?"

"Where?" Shinji shouted, rushing to the railing overlooking the dance floor.

"Ahh, caught ya slippin'." Kaworu threw his head back in laughter before guiding Shinji back to the lounge. "C'mon son I only seen you babysittin' like two or three shots. Lemme show you how to turn it up a notch."

* * *

"I can't believe that _sheisskopf_" Asuka muttered to her blue-haired companion "Always playing the innocent little boy taking care of his Mommy and jumping through hoops for Daddy but he's just like the rest of them. Ugh."

"Yeah, it's a real travesty" Rei answered, not really listening but figured that as long as her mouth was moving she must be complaining about something. She heard the sound of her half-brother's name cropping up multiple times in the girl's rant and decided to pipe up. "You know you two should really just get it over with and fuck already."

"Why does everyone keep thinking that I want to jump in bed with the twerp?" Asuka erupted.

"Because you do? Look I'm not telling you to start planning the damn honeymoon and file joint income tax returns together but all I needed was one look at your first date night in the Eva and I knew you two were gonna end up in the sheets eventually."

"I thought you didn't believe in all that 'love at first sight' bullshit."

"I don't, but show me two hormonal emotionally vulnerable virgins stuck in the same house and I'll show you a ticking time bomb."

"Ha, he wishes, the perverted little insect."

"For an insignificant insect he sure takes up a lot of your thinking time."

"Whatever, this place blows" Asuka huffed "I'll be at the-" Her sentence was cut short as the sound of a gunshot sent the entire club scrambling for cover. Asuka lost Rei in the ensuing chaos, running in any direction that lessened her chances of being trampled. Amidst the free-for-all, several smaller brawls and scraps broke out, the need to keep it real outweighing survival instincts in many of the club's patrons. Back in the VIP section Kaworu whipped out his custom Beretta from underneath his suit, nodding to Izzy and MT to do the same.

"Oh fuck!" Shinji yelped "What the hell's going on out there?"

"I told ya" Izzy sneered. Kaworu ignored him.

"Shit's gettin' real out there Shin-man," he smirked, handing Shinji a snub-nose .38 revolver "You ever play with gats before?" Shinji shook his head; he'd never been in so much as a fistfight. It was hard for bullies to give you a wedgie when you were speeding away in their mom's hotwired sedan. "Well you go'n learn today."

The four men burst out into the hallway, high on a volatile mixture of alcohol, adrenaline, and testosterone. From their vantage point, it looked like a massive brawl had broken out with some gunmen taking the opportunity to rob stragglers. Shinji, spying a distinct mane of red hair headed straight into a group of thugs, leapt from the balcony and into the violent throng.

'_OW, fuck this was a horrible idea_' he thought as he limped through the crowd '_I'll never reach her in time like this, Goddammit GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY._' He raised his pistol in the air and fired. The sound was deafening but it achieved the desired end of sending the crowd scrambling and clearing a path for our humble protagonist. Not too long after, he found Asuka surrounded on all sides by hulking, faceless goons slowly encroaching on her position.

"Daaaamn daddy that's a nice piece of ass we got here" one of the mooks said to his friend "Yo Sandy, how much-" His statement was cut short due to a foot colliding with his solar plexus followed by a willowy hand delivering a textbook jab to the face.

"Alright assholes!" Asuka roared, shaking the pain out of her wrist "Who's next!"

"You whylin' little girl" the one called Sandy stepped up, pulling out a mean-looking knife from his coat. "I don't wanna have to cut up that pretty face of yours."

"Funny, I was thinkin' the same thing." Shinji put the barrel of the gun up to Sandy's head.

"Shinji! What are you doing?" Asuka hissed.

"Hol' up" one of the goons scratched his head "You know this dude?"

"Alright, let's just chill" Sandy put his hands up "Don't nobody have to get bodied tonight."

"Damn straight." Shinji smirked, liquid courage coursing through his veins. "Now what you're gonna do is-" What Sandy actually ended up doing was elbowing his captor in the face, who fell backwards. Furious, Shinji trained his gun on the man's head once again, gritted his teeth, and fired.

He wasn't sure how he missed at point-blank range, but the searing rush of gunpowder to Sandy's face was more than enough to get him to back off.

"Fuck that!" one of the nearby goons shouted "Ain't no pussy worth this shit!" And with that, the group disbanded, leaving their leader behind. Asuka came up from behind the coughing man and dropped him with a quick chop to the neck, silently congratulating herself on her accuracy. Glancing at each other, they nodded and made a dash for the exit.

"Holy shit" she doubled over, catching her breath. "We coulda died back there."

"No kiddin', let's get the hell outta here." They nodded and headed towards Unit-02's parking spot, where Rei stood casually smoking a cigarette.

"How did you SURVIVE in there?" Asuka gasped, exhausted.

"Oh I've got all sorts of useful tricks up my sleeve." Rei nodded to Shinji "Out rescuing fair maidens again I see." He ignored her comment, instead choosing to help Asuka into Unit-02.

"We're going home" he murmured with a sense of finality. "Do you need a ride?"

"Nah I'm good" she waved them off "I've gotta admit, it's kind of adorable how you worry about me when you've got a German who looks like she's seen Der Führer's ghost in your arms." He managed to crack a smile. A small one, anyway. "Take care ya crazy kids." The scarlet beast roared down the cold asphalt trail back to the relative warmth of Misato's apartment.

"Boys and their toys, eh?" A bored-sounding voice called out from above and behind Rei "I never did understand 'em."

"I was wondering when they'd finally leave so I could give your ass a proper beatdown." She turned to see Kaworu's smug form drop down into the parking lot.

"Tsk tsk tsk," he wagged his finger "Don't be like that babe, you know you're ugly when you're angry."

"You know that negging shit doesn't work on me, right?" she cracked her knuckles "You gonna stop talking soon?" He opened his arms and did a small bow.

"I'm all yours Angel." In the blink of an eye she was in his face, throwing punches at an inhuman speed, with him dodging at the same rate! Without warning, he headbutted her, sending Rei stumbling backwards. "Honestly, I've seen better from kids barely outta diapers. C'mon Angel, I thought this was supposed to be a challenge." He grabbed her by the shoulders and pinned her to the wall. "It's a shame about that face," he continued, observing the bloodied bruise over her eye "It's alright though, I like my meat a little bloody."

Bloody was certainly the operative word in the situation, as Rei then violently thrust a shiv into Kaworu's armpit.

"AGH, YOU FUCKING BITCH" he clutched his quickly reddening sleeve. "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID?" Not even acknowledging his words, Rei stepped over and floored him with a final punch, stomping on his ribs while he lay splayed out on the tarmac. "You just signed your f-fucking death sentence!" Kaworu groaned, blood trailing from his mouth.

"Like you bastards didn't have a hit out on me already." Rei spat. "Consider this a warning: you fuck with Rei Ayanami," she grabbed him by the shirt "and the Angel of Death will personally hunt down and shit fury down the throats of every motherfucker in her way to get to you. And when she does, ooh boy, you can forget about Gendo, NERV, and anybody else holding her back because This. Means. War."

She threw him back down onto the pavement, her slowly walking form almost an ethereal vision from Kaworu's perspective. Before unconsciousness claimed him, he could have sworn that the shadows themselves swallowed her up.

A/N: That was a little more grim than it needed to be, I would've slapped an omake here to liven up the mood but I'm tired af so wait on that for the next chapter. Watch PASWG if you really need cheering up though, that's a god-tier crazy anime if I've ever seen one.


	8. Backseat Freestyle

A/N: Good mornin' Vietnam! We'll be takin' a bit of a detour today story-wise which I'm admittedly eager to hear feedback on. My bad for the extra long wait this time around but life happens sometimes, ya know? As an aside, you guys really have no idea how hard it was to write a helicopter sequence without Fortunate Son playing in the background. Seriously, if war has a soundtrack post-1965, CCR is definitely the band most deserving of its composition IMO.

* * *

_There is a house in New Orleans_

_They call the Rising Sun _

_And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy _

_And God, I know I'm one_

The chopping roar of the helicopter rotors all but drowned out the sound of the radio in Kazushi's ear. He looked out at the mass of fog and trees passing underneath his feet, taking a moment to wipe some of the moisture off his face.

'_Goddamn monsoon season's all year round now_' he thought, clutching the handguard of his rifle.

"Hey Sarge, how long 'til we get to the LZ?" one of his fellow soldiers asked from behind.

"Shouldn't be too long, Matsuda" Kazushi answered back "We'll touch down a few klicks south of the facility so stay frosty."

"Sure thing," Matsuda nodded. "So when are ya plannin' on shaving that fuckin' 'stache?" He pointed to glorious strip of virility on his commanding officer's lip. "I swear you look like one 'a them German porn stars now."

"Never." the young sergeant cracked a grin. "Matter of fact, I'm gonna grow it out a little more just to spite you pricks."

Barely out of high school when he enlisted with the Self Defense Force, Kazushi rose through the ranks with nary a hair on his chinny-chin-chin, earning the nickname "Babyface." Not that anyone called him that to his face anymore. Things change once you earn the privilege of leading a squad out in the shit.

"We've got about a minute until we reach the drop zone" Kazushi continued, standing up to address the rest of his men. "This is a search 'n rescue op boys so I don't want any unnecessary engagements. We do not fire unless the target threatens to compromise the mission, understood?"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"Out-fucking-standing," Kazushi gestured out the open window of the chopper "now this whole ridge is just crawlin' with armed rebels so not a peep from any of you fuckers once we move in. They can't shoot for shit but they're crafty and all over the goddamn place."

"So Sarge" a soldier piped up from the back "you think anyone's still alive down there? Intelligence said they ain't heard nothin' since the distress signal went out. Who says we aren't walkin' into a trap?"

"The major debriefed me personally, Tanaka" Kazushi responded. "Even if we all we find are bodies there's some classified black-box shit they've been keeping up there that we sure as hell don't want in enemy hands."

The men around him nodded.

"Now I don't know if that means biological weapons or cold fusion, but what I do know is that Tokyo poured a shitload of government money into this White Helix place. And being the proud citizens that we are" he offered a grin to his audience "we're gonna do our best to protect their investment, hooah?"

"HOOAH!"

And so, after the bulbous black chopper landed with a later promise of extraction, the men of the JSSDF Special Operations Group disappeared into the dark rainforest. Corporal Daigo looked out at the helicopter as it climbed above into the palpably thick fog that covered the island like cloudy gray frosting on the treetops.

There'd been stories, damn near everyone on the Forward Operating Base had heard something or other about the happenings on that small green blotch in the middle of the South China Sea. In the meantime, it'd back to business as usual in the war department with hotspots popping up all around the globe. But who could blame them? The whole world had gone to hell little over a year ago. And now these rebel islanders wanted to make sure that certain important researchers got there a little quicker than the rest of them.

The whole place gave him chills and truth be told: he'd rather be on the front lines. But Daigo didn't worry too much. After all, who better to lead them than their division's star player: Kazushi "Babyface" Rokobungi?

_Oh mother, tell your children _

_Not to do what I have done _

_Spend your lives in sin and misery _

_In the House of the Rising Sun _

"The hell's that song you keep whistling, Sarge?" another soldier asked. "I thoughtcha didn't speak any English."

"That's where you'd be wrong, Kuchiko. I've begun educating myself in the ways of our good friends overseas." Kazushi responded. "It seems only natural what with all the nice trinkets they've sent our way." Matsuda overheard him and enthusiastically rapped the side of his jet-black carbine rifle.

"I hear ya, Sarge!" he called, planting an exaggerated kiss on the gun's sophisticated optics. "God bless America."

"Daigo," Kazushi turned "how far are we from the facility?"

"Not far. If I'm reading this map correctly, we should be coming up on the southern border of the complex soon."

"Alright boys," the sergeant continued "let's do this nice 'n easy, and remember: not a peep."

Once the squad cut their way through the perimeter fence, it was only a matter of scanning the facility for any sign of survivors.

"This is fuckin' weird." Matsuda whispered as he observed his deserted surroundings. "It's like a friggin' ghost town out here." The squad crept up to one of the security checkpoints, scanning the vicinity for any signs of life. Kazushi inspected the small booth, greeted by the smell of death and a crackling voice from over the radio.

_Our government is united in its d-KRR-mination _

The sergeant carefully thumbed a smear of blood on the desk inside.

_To take all KRR-sary measures in support of freedom _

He moved the upturned chair, staring at the scattered chunks of viscera that littered the dusty floor.

_And in defense of East and Southeast Asia_

Kazushi looked out at the dense fog, the static and sounds of the rainforest chipping away at his concentration. He gave a grim nod to his men as he came out.

"Daigo, where's the comms station?" he asked.

"Should be in that building up ahead," the corporal pointed to a large hangar-like edifice "just behind the hydroponics and biological testing labs."

"Tanaka, Kuchiko." Kazushi pointed to the two men. "I want you two on those double doors. Daigo, Matsuda, you come with me. We breach on my mark."

They quickly positioned themselves, waiting for Kazushi's signal.

"Ya know," Matsuda mentioned to Kuchiko as they waited for their sergeant's go-ahead "for a big fancy lab or whatever, you'd think they'd have more buildings and shit."

Sucking in a breath, they bust in the door, sights up and safeties off. Besides a few birds fluttering off overhead, their entry to the building was completely silent. Once the whole squad was inside, they took a moment to observe the rows and rows of towering tropical plants that dominated the inside.

"Clear." Matsuda and Kuchiko stated simultaneously. The chamber was devoid of any sound beyond the hum of distant generators and the occasional swaying branch. The men looked up and around, finding no signs of life.

"Now this is just creepy," Kuchiko stood up "where the fuck did everybody-"

In the blink of an eye, Kuchiko was knocked flat by a lightning-fast blur. He screamed to his squad mates, who whipped around to help.

"JESUS CHRIST FUCK GET OFF ME!"

Matsuda brought his rifle up and squeezed off two rounds at the small figure that had leapt onto Kuchiko. The figure stopped, and the squad stared in awe of the sight before them. It appeared to be a young girl, perhaps twelve years old or so, stark naked and covered in dried blood and dirt. But what really came at you was the blue hair. The child stared at them with crimson eyes, hunched over Kuchiko's bloodied form like a feral animal, two bullet wounds seeping red from its chest. Then it hissed.

BANG.

Kazushi brought down the smoking barrel of his pistol, observing the child as it fell over, streams of red tingeing its blue hair at the exit wound on its head.

"Sarge! What the fuck happened to her?" Tanaka cried out, rushing over to the girl's body. Daigo moved to help Kuchiko, whose chest and face were covered in nasty lacerations. "She's just a friggin' kid!"

"That's no girl, Private" Kazushi marched straight into Tanaka's face "Whatever it is now, it sure as shit isn't human. We have to continue with our directive." A few feet away, Kuchiko groaned.

"He'll be fine, but we need to find a medical bay." Daigo reported. From outside the double doors, the sound of scampering feet could be heard. Kazushi turned to his men once more.

"Daigo, Tanaka; get Kuchiko on his feet. We are moving, _now._"

The five men began sprinting towards the other end of the building, with Kazushi attempting radio contact with HQ.

"Watchtower, Watchtower, do you copy?" Nothing but static. "Fuck!"

The sound of scratching nails on metal grew closer, and Matsuda shouldered his rifle yet again. He let off a warning shot as a group of the children, pockmarked with bites and scratches, steadily stalked the squad.

"Don't come no closer!"

The children ignored Matsuda's cries, one of them taking the opportunity to leap at the shaking soldier.

"Matsuda!" Kazushi ushered the rest of his men ahead, rushing to grab the young private. Matsuda stumbled backwards, his bullets clipping the child mid-jump. The sergeant watched as its corpse tumbled end over end towards them, sliding in a crumpled heap at their feet. The rest of the pack growled and slowly stepped back from the pair of men. "Matsuda, _move your ass_."

From beyond his field of vision, Kazushi heard a scream and the staccato cracks of gunfire. Up ahead, a mob of the savage children had evidently cornered the rest of the squad, with Kuchiko lying motionless on the floor. Daigo and Tanaka fired wildly at the snarling pack before being set upon in a flurry of vicious slashes.

Matsuda stared in horror as his comrades were ripped to shreds before his very eyes, his face hardening before opening up with his own volley of gunfire. Unfortunately for him, the pack that he had turned his back to seized his momentary vengeance as an opportunity to strike.

"MATSUDA!" the sergeant screamed, watching as the last of his squad was torn away from him. He raised his rifle in anger, his bellows met by a multitude of hungry scarlet stares. Eyes wide and mind blank, he ran. He ran through the trees in the enclosed arboretum, squinting at what looked like an exit on the other side. The sound of cracking branches and ravenous snarls followed him, but he was just about home free. Not bothering to take any more potshots at the horde, Kazushi quickly vaulted over the final chest-high wall separating the indoor forest from the rest of the complex, sure in his probability of escape.

Question: When housing an artificial forest, where does all the excess water and waste go?

The young sergeant unwittingly answered in the form of tumbling down into a large drain pipe, overflowing with rotting wood and emanating an ungodly stench. He watched as the pack of tiny savages crowded around the edge of the open sewer, braying and screeching as Kazushi flowed down the brown sludgy river into dank oblivion.

* * *

"Y'know Kaji," Shinji interrupted "this is a cool story n' all but I don't really see what it has to do with anything." He scratched the back of his head as he looked over the scruffy man who'd been faithfully recounting the sergeant's adventures in the jungle.

"Look kid," the man palmed his face "you said you wanted answers, right?"

Shinji nodded, still seated on the hood of Unit-01.

"And which one of us is better disposed to provide those answers?"

"You are." Shinji muttered.

"Damn straight, now sit down and shut up."

The boy wiped the sweat off his brow, shifting uncomfortably in the skin-tight suit.

"Man, it's hot as hell in here." He pointed to the slowly spinning oversized fan on the wall behind them. "Didja really have to pick the only warehouse in town without A/C to meet up in?"

"What did I just say?"

* * *

Kazushi awoke to the feeling of a soft cloth being dabbed around his face. He would have moved, had his body not crapped out on him. Instead, he settled for grunting and shifting his torso.

"Well hello there, G.I. Joe" remarked a plainly female voice above him.

The sergeant's eyes snapped open.

Once they adjusted to the light, he realized that he was in small barracks of some sort, with his wounds being tended to by a young woman in a lab coat. Quite a beautiful girl he might add, one with short brown hair and emerald-green eyes and soft, caring features exemplifying the traits of classic Japanese femininity, sporting a lavender turtleneck underneath and a black pencil skirt showing _just _enough leg to-

"You seem a bit woozy," she flicked the pointed end of a syringe in her hand "this should do the trick."

She raised her arms and jammed the needle into his chest, piercing the breastbone and sending the chemical cocktail rushing through his bloodstream. Kazushi shot up and began coughing violently as she backed away, the ethereal haze in his mind replaced by a dull throbbing sensation.

"Oh fuck" he groaned "how long've have I been out for?"

"Found you like this not too long ago, but even a few hours of unconsciousness can cause all sorts of problems." She smiled. "But then again I don't think there's much to be said for military intelligence to begin with."

"Fuck you lady!" Kazushi began, propping himself up "Do you know how many good men died tryi-"

The woman brought the steel tip of the syringe right up to Kazushi's jugular, the crazed look in her eyes staring him down.

"_Shut. Up._" she hissed between her teeth. Up above and all around, the pair could hear the pitter-patter of soft hands and feet on metal. The two waited in silence for several tense seconds, the echoes eventually dissipating and fading into the distance. The woman sighed and brought the needle down.

"It would seem that you're poorly informed about the going of the war" she straightened out her coat and snapped shut her first aid kit "to say _nothing_ about a correct explanation of your presence over here."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kazushi lowered himself from the cot he'd been laying on "Where are the rest of the survivors?"

The woman scoffed. "You're looking at her. Mostly everyone had been evacuated in the weeks prior due to aggression from the native islanders. We'd been operating the facility with a skeleton crew under a typhoon warning when it happened."

"When _what_ happened?"

"I don't know I was running some DNA samples when the alarms went off and the PA told everyone that a breach had occurred in the genetic engineering labs. The guards tried but those things tore through security like nothing I'd ever seen. What few others remained and myself tried to escape once it became clear that they'd come for us eventually. But w- they didn't make it." She paused to bite her lip and clutch at her sullied lab coat like a child's blanket. "I found my way down here to the auxiliary maintenance quarters; we'll be safe as long as we're quiet."

Kazushi let out a long breath, scanning the room before his eyes locked onto his rifle lying against the wall.

"I found it on you when you washed up" she commented as he walked over to the gun "I figured it might come in handy whether or not you woke up."

He calmly inspected it, the barrel had some mud in it and the receiver could do with a good cleaning, but it would still go bang if he needed it to.

"So what are they, exactly? Miss-" he scanned her coat for some sort of name tag.

"Call me Yui" she stated matter-of-factly, offering a skittish, pallid hand. "Yui Ikari."

"Alright Yui" he took it in his own calloused paw "Sgt. Kazushi Rokobungi of the JSDF, I'll be your knight in shining armor this evening."

A nervous smile. "Moving along, they were an experiment in bioengineering dubbed the 'Children of Eden' Project. Their purpose was to create a strain of humans with augmented strength and reflexes to use as disposable shock troops on the battlefields of tomorrow. What tests we ran always ended up making them regress into a rabid, animalistic state. But I guess the brass figured that even the bad guys would think twice before shooting a child."

"Didn't look very disposable to me, those things killed my men in seconds."

"I meant in the sense that they're sterile, and this particular batch is lysine deficient. If they go more than a few days without ingesting the unique nutrient we put in their food, they'll die."

"So then we wait it out, I mean you've managed to stay alive this long."

"It's not that simple, Tokyo has _very_ specific contingencies in place regarding this facility should we lose contact." She stuffed her hands in her coat pockets, her face bearing a look of resignation "Think about it, they aren't blind to what we do here. If they were serious about locking this place down, they'd send a battalion's worth of men at least, right? But they didn't, they thought it might have been a slight mishap, and since everyone's moving out anyway, they send a single squad to check things out." She walked around to the other side of the room, staring at a row of books on a shelf. "Squad doesn't respond, mission compromised, execute Operation Slash and Burn."

"That's classified information" he said with raised eyebrows and a hint of surprise in his gruff voice.

"And this is a classified facility. Look," she began with a tone of exasperation "we've all gotten our hands dirty in this mess, but I'm willing to bet that you don't want to end up as another KIA statistic any more than I want my mother reading my faked obituary."

Kazushi stared at her for another few seconds before slinging the rifle over his shoulder and moving to the door.

"Then we've got no time to lose, d'you have my radio too?"

She pointed to a jumbled mass of crushed plastic and electronics. "What was left of it, if we want to contact anyone we need to reach the communications center."

"Understood, know the way there?"

A confident grin. "Like the back of my hand."

"Then we move out."

Slowly but surely, the unlikely duo meandered through the damp and musty corridors, eventually reaching the higher subterranean levels of the complex.

"Jesus Christ" Kazushi grumbled. He could have sworn they rounded the same damn dimly lit corner five times already "Just how fuckin' big is this place?"

"Most of the work is done or stored underground in large sectors so as not to arouse suspicion" Yui answered in between small pants, running low on breath herself. "Don't worry, there's a maintenance elevator up ahead that'll take us straight to communications."

"If you know this path so well how come you didn't take it earlier?"

"I would have" she replied over her shoulder "but someone decided to barge in and wake the kids."

"Alright Princess" he chuckled, earning him a glare "Leave it to a woman to complain about rescues she doesn't like."

They reached the service elevator, remaining quiet during its slow ascent, listening for the telltale _tip-tap_ of fingers and toes on metal. The doors then opened to reveal an eerily empty back room full of shelves stacked with cleaning supplies.

"It's just down this hallway" Yui gestured "Come on."

Confirming Daigo's intel, the comms bunker was indeed nestled away in the back of the massive hangar-like structure. After checking the room for any killer kids, Kazushi put down his gun and settled at one of the long-range radios, trying to get in contact with Command.

"Watchtower, Watchtower, this is Sgt. Rokobungi of Kilo Squad, Watchtower do you copy, over?"

"_Rokobungi this is Watchtower. What in the hell's going on over there Sergeant?_"

"Thank God, the mission is FUBAR, sir. My entire squad is dead but I've managed to secure a survivor with valuable intel. Requesting immediate evac, over."

"_No can do Sergeant, the rebels have just mounted a massive counterattack in the region, we can't have any aircraft flying that low, over._"

"With all due respect, sir, then what the FUCK am I supposed to do, over?" Kazushi barked into the headset.

"_Command has already issued an authorization for Direct Order November Golf Echo, Operation Slash and Burn is in full effect as of now._"

Kazushi dropped the headset, the man's garbled voice still going off while the young sergeant trembled with rage.

"_The B-52's are already en route to your position. Your dedication to your country will always be remembered. Godspeed, Sergeant, over._"

Out in the hallway, Yui was involved in a heated conversation of her own via satellite phone.

"It's just a minor setback is all Mr. Kihl, I assure you that I've secured everything I promised." She relayed breathlessly into the microphone "All the heavy equipment was shipped out days ago and I'm carrying the modified embryos myself which I will relinquish upon successful payment."

"_Clever girl_" the distorted voice responded "_There will be a helicopter leaving from the eastern delta in fifteen minutes, don't be late._"

The phone clicked shut and Yui whipped around, only to come face to face with Kazushi's stern scowl.

"We've gotta get out of here, the bombers are on their way."

"No worries, I just found us an escape plan."

"Really?" He scrunched his brow together "How the fu-" In an instant, his eyes flared wide open and he shoved Yui aside, receiving a snarling blue blur to the face for his efforts.

"THE GUN!" he jerked his head towards the rifle lying next to her, struggling to keep the savage's wicked slashes at bay. "GRAB THE FUCKING GUN!"

She scrambled to her feet, awkwardly fumbling with the grip and stock of the rifle before training her shaky sights on the rabid tyke.

"SHOOT HER!" Kazushi screamed, the girl now having carved deep gouges into his forearms.

Yui let out a guttural cry and pulled the trigger, her shot going wide and embedding itself in the far wall. It was, however, more than enough to gain the child's attention. Yui froze as the cretin slid off Kazushi and carefully stalked its way toward her.

"AGAIN!" the sergeant commanded.

Yui obeyed and fired, this time impacting the girl's right shoulder, the bullet exiting the other side of her pale form in a spurt of gore. For her part, the child merely took a step back in her methodical advance, and then let out an ear-piercing shriek. Yui cringed, slamming her eyes shut and fighting the urge to drop the weapon and clasp her hands to her ears. Only the sound of the sergeant's voice reached through the demonic wail to stop her.

"AGAIN!"

"SHUT! UP!" Yui wasn't sure who she was talking to, but remained resolute in her decision to shove the business end of Kazushi's 5.56 NATO Christmas present into the screaming cunt's throat.

BANG

* * *

"Wait, hold up, lemme get this straight." Shinji held his head in his hands, massaging his temples "You mean to tell me that my Mom, my flesh and blood, the woman who raised me from birth, the woman who sang lullabies to me and went to my school concerts, the woman who is dying in that hospital bed, who I would die before I see get hurt is...is"

He struggled with his hand motions before throwing them in the air.

"A liar?" he added weakly.

"Yes and no" Kaji responded, feeling just as if not more uncomfortable breaking the news to the poor kid. "She technically wasn't lying when she told you about her job. She definitely was a scientist, one of the most respected in her field as a matter of fact. It was why the government sought her out specifically for the project." He pulled out a thick manila envelope and offered it to the boy

"Most of these files have been declassified since; you can read all about it in here." Shinji glared daggers at him before returning his gaze to the ground "Or not."

"So both my parents are international criminals, great" Shinji began morosely "I still don't see how you or that sergeant fit into the whole picture." The boy slumped off the hood of the Eva and began pacing. "And anyway, wasn't the whole place gonna get blown to Hell? How do we know how they even survived, if that?"

"Well see that's all the testimony they got out of Yui after the fact, in which she claims that the sergeant succumbed to his wounds and that she escaped on a lone patrol boat, eventually linking up with coalition forces."

Shinji huffed through his nose, firmly planting his tongue in his cheek

"So what actually happened?"

"The facts are a bit… tricky."

* * *

Yui and Kazushi raced down the stairway to the motor pool underground, the sound of skittering feet hot on their tail.

"I gotta tell ya" Kazushi panted beside her "I hope you aren't planning on rolling outta here in a jeep, we'll get shot to shit out there!"

"That's why there's Plan B!" she shouted.

Together, they finally reached the double doors of the garage directly adjacent to a river that would lead them to the extraction point. The only problem was that there lay at least a foot of reinforced concrete between them and the outside world, and Kazushi was sure he hadn't read about any entrances at this level in the recon assessment. He quickly barred the doors with a nearby fire axe, the ravenous savages ineffectively banging away at the barrier. He turned around to look at the deserted space, seeing Yui tapping away at a computer console secreted away in a section of wall.

"Where the hell's this Plan B you were goin' on about?"

The frenzied grin on her face was all too evident.

"Did I say Plan B? I meant more like Plan _E_."

A large circular section of ground disappeared in two neat halves, and in its place rose a most curious machine which stopped Kazushi dead in his tracks. It looked like an oversized Formula One racecar, but stripped down to the chassis and sporting what looked like a hull and a machine gun turret mounted on the rear.

"What the shit?"

"Just another one of our little pet projects" Yui called out, stepping into the metal alloy monstrosity "The gearheads called her Eva, but right now I'm calling her our guardian angel, so get in."

Kazushi climbed aboard, relishing the feel of the controls and the goosebumps on his skin as the engine roared to life.

"I drive, you shoot" he declared.

"Fine by me" she smirked, and then perked up as she heard the sound of more yelps and growls coming from the doorway. "That axe won't hold forever, it's now or never Sergeant."

Kazushi remained engrossed by the sheer weight of the options present before him.

"Let's see, autocannons, Sidewinder missiles, Hellfire missiles, Sabot rounds, bunker busters…" he paused "hmm, bunker busters."

A few seconds later the eastern wall of the White Helix laboratory complex exploded in a furious blast of dust and earth, and from the ashes rose a beast the likes of which the world had never seen. Mere seconds later it crashed down into the canopy below, sliding along the riverbank for a bit before splashing into the river amidst a flurry of white.

"Holy shit!" Yui picked herself up off the floor, now soaking wet.

"We're not outta the woods yet, Princess." Kazushi realized that their little entrance had caught the attention of several rebel troop detachments stationed alongside the river, ones that they would have to pass in order to get to safety. "I'm gonna need you on that turret!"

"Are you insane!"

"You said you would shoot!" he yelled over his shoulder "You don't have to hit anything, just keep 'em off my ass!"

They tore down the river at breakneck speed, all the while Yui peppered the enemy forces with hot lead.

'_This became a little too easy too quickly_' said the rational part of her brain, which at this point had gone into hiding to escape the irrational side's antics. Meanwhile, the acclaimed post-doctorate researcher was having the time of her life letting rip the monstrous twin machine guns at her beck and call as their enemies fled in terror.

"Oh fuck they've got a Hind!" Kazushi pointed to a growing speck in the sky.

Yui swiveled around to confirm that yes: these stinking rebels had apparently gotten a hold of a true Soviet masterpiece. Indeed, Sikorsky himself would have shed a tear at the sight. From up on high, the attack helicopter spun up its guns, raking the water behind the craft with 20 millimeter rounds. Summoning another cry worthy of a valkyrie, Yui opened up with her own guns, lighting the overcast sky with tracer fire. If only her accuracy was as admirable as her enthusiasm.

Deciding to mix things up a little, the Hind let loose with a pair of rockets, each streaking their way towards the prim-and-proper _yamato nadeshiko_.

"YUI!" Leaping out of his chair, the young sergeant tore the girl from the turret, just in time to save her from being flambéed by the fiery fuckers. Landing in his arms, she looked up into the hard-edged look of concern he wore. "Holy shit, Yui don't scare me like that I almos-mmm mhmm hmm."

He found his words and worries dying in his mouth as Yui's tongue began invading it, occasionally remembering to hold onto the steering wheel lest their moment of passion be ruined by sudden death.

"God, you make me feel like a woman" she uttered breathlessly.

"You picked a helluva time, Princess." He veered the craft sharply to the right to evade another pair of missiles. His will now sufficiently galvanized, Kazushi pushed the throttle to its limit while scanning the command console for a suitable weapon. He found it difficult to concentrate however, with the constant explosions and bullets whizzing past.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, ASSHOLE?" he challenged his hovering foe, slamming his fist down on an attractively red button labeled 'All the Missiles'. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT."

In the span of a few seconds, the two watched as literally dozens of missiles erupted from the ship, clouding the cabin with exhaust and rushing en masse towards the helicopter, ending their assault in a searing flash of heat. Down went the chopper, colliding with the foothills of the ridge in a fiery crash.

"HAHA, FUCK YES!" the sergeant whooped and threw his hands in the air "BYE BYE, BIRDIE." Yui only rolled her eyes and pulled him in for another kiss. With their destination in sight, Kazushi gunned the engine one more time.

The pair disembarked and found themselves greeted by two stern-faced men in suits guarding an unmarked black helicopter. As they neared, one of them drew his pistol, jerking his head at bruised and bleeding sergeant.

"He wasn't part of the deal" the man stated in a detached monotone.

"He's good" Yui remarked, pushing away the man's gun "I cleared it with Kihl myself, take it up with him."

Though hesitant, Kazushi entered the chopper along with Yui and the two pilots, looking out the open door as they took off. He felt the presence of soft hands grasping his own, and he smiled at the exhausted, yet beautiful woman seated beside him.

"Thanks for the rescue"

"Whaddya thanking me for?" Kazushi grinned "I'm fuckin' JSDF and I can't get a damn private chopper to whisk me away from this godforsaken island." He nodded towards the pilots up front. "So who're the MiB's over there, friends of yours?"

"They're employees of a… business partner of mine." He turned his head to stare into her pleading eyes. "I know it's been all of a sudden with everything that's happened, I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. But I would've been dead without you and if you're willing to hear me out, I've got a unique opportunity to help you start over."

"Start over?"

"New name, new life, we'll be rich together. Your country abandoned you Kazushi, but that doesn't mean you have to give up on yourself."

The young sergeant brought his arm up to his shoulder, touching the patch on his uniform that proudly announced his rank to any onlookers.

'_Mom's passed and Dad never approved, it's better this way_' he thought '_Let their son die a hero_'

He looked out at the war-torn shores of the island for a few moments in silence, before ripping the patch off and letting it float away in the breeze.

"I'm in" he affirmed "So what are we getting rich off of, exactly?"

Smiling, Yui produced a bottle of hand lotion, only to pop the base out, revealing a hollowed inside filled with a multitude of tiny vials containing a chemical solution of some kind.

"Our Little Angels. I have a friend in the black market who can set us up once this deal goes through. What do you think of _Mr. Ikari_?" She chuckled as the name escaped her lips.

"I think it's got a nice ring to it, but I get to choose the first name. It's gotta be something classy, short, and with a bit of oomph." Yui just laughed.

"What did you have in mind?"

He took a moment to scratch the growing stubble along his chin.

"How about… Gendo?"

* * *

"I've heard enough." Shinji slid off the Eva and began walking away.

"Shinji, listen to me!" Kaji ordered. "Before the marriage date the man known as Gendo Ikari _didn't exist_. He's a fabrication, a story meant to fool customs, and it worked."

"So then how does that explain the drug empire, the divorce?" Shinji spun around to do his own share of yelling. "Me?"

"Even with access to INTERPOL's records, the agency's ideas about what went on during those early years are mostly guesswork. All I can really tell ya is that the honeymoon was in Okinawa, roughly nine months before you were born."

"So what happened then?"

"Well according to excerpts from a journal Yui kept she used the time away to do some soul searching, eventually finding God, meditation and peace. And I guess 'Gendo' found himself without a condom." Kaji swayed to dodge a telegraphed punch from the irate teen, catching his fist in the process.

"Easy there Sad Eyes, just tryna liven the mood is all." The boy stopped struggling, slumping his shoulders once more.

"_Touji was right!_" his embattled psyche cried out "_Rei's a monster!_"

"No, it can't be!" Shinji yelled "You said those things were like friggin' animals, ripping everything to shreds! I seen her walk and talk like anyone else in this damn town!" He slammed his foot on the floor "Rei's my sister no matter what!"

"Look kid, nobody's goin' after Rei. If anything, she'll probably the most valuable witness this case has if you can get her to cooperate. But I need you with me on this, Shinji."

"And if I say no?"

A weary sigh.

"The way I see it, you've got two options. Door Number One: you're in for one of Gendo's long cons and surprise-surprise, he's keeps you on a leash as long as you stay useful, and maybe then he lets you off with a nice pair of concrete shoes as a going away present."

He paused in anticipation of an interruption, but none came from the boy's melancholy stare.

"Or, Door Number Two: you play the game for a little bit longer, get in real good with Gendo and Pretty Boy for credibility's sake. Meanwhile, your friendly neighborhood super spy" Kaji flashed him a smile and a wink "gets together all the evidence he needs to put these bastards behind bars for life. We can do this Shinji, you 'n me, we'll blow the lid on their whole operation."

"What about Asuka!" he blurted. "She isn't safe here man, we almost died last night for Christ's sake."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take for the time being; I can't back out now." Kaji handed Shinji a small slip of paper with a phone number scrawled onto it. "There's a friend of mine at the docks who owes me one. When the shit hits the fan and believe me, it will, I want you to take her there and have her on the first boat back to Germany. Can I trust you with that?"

The boy nodded, turning back towards the Eva.

"And Misato?"

"How's about you let me worry about Katsuragi, eh?" Kaji's trademark grin quickly receded into a grimace.

"I won't bullshit you Shinji, this ain't the type of story where we get to ride off into the sunset scot-free: it's only gonna get bloodier from here on out. People will die, it might be you, might be me, but I promise you I'll do what I can to keep your friends out of the crossfire."

"All this time…" he kicked a nearby can on the ground "Fuck, is there anything she told me that wasn't bullshit?"

"Well Gendo or 'Gendo' I should say," Kaji made a pair of fingerquotes "is definitely your father, and Yui is dying. You don't spend that much time doing unregulated S2 research and God knows what else without catching something nasty."

"So just the bad news, then." Shinji brought his gaze up to meet the man's eyes. "I'll do it. On one condition, though: as soon as the case is closed, I'm done. I don't wanna hear or see anything about this mess ever again." He looked at the slip he held in his hands. "Any chance this cleaner guy could book an extra seat?"

"You'd have to take it up with him, his rates are kinda steep and he's already stickin' his neck out for me with the girl." Kaji moved to grip the boy's shoulders. "This is a man's game now, Shinji, I need to know to that you've got my back 100% on this."

"You have my word."

"Good, now first things first: I can't have you pullin' anymore cowboy shit like last night. I need you alive. Second: keep a low profile. I realize you're feelin' yourself a little with this new fame and shit but all you're doing is making yourself a bigger target. In which case I have to know, are you packing heat?"

"I just drive man, I'm not tryna kill anyone." Kaji raised a skeptical eyebrow at the boy's admission, his eyes running over the multitude of guns protruding from the Evangelion.

"Even those two Angel goons I wasted were just remote-controlled drones, apparently. I swear I ain't touched a soul."

"That's great and all Sad Eyes but I gotta tell ya I'd feel a lot more comfortable if I knew that the one guy who's got my back on this job knows how to defend himself."

Shinji shrugged, moving to rummage around Unit-01's cockpit before producing a glinting metal pistol.

"All's I got is this gun that Kaworu gave me after the shooting started" he handed to revolver to Kaji.

The man snapped open the chamber, examining the bullets nestled inside.

"Only three rounds left, what happened to 'I'm not tryna kill anyone?'"

"Asuka was in danger and they were just warning shots." Shinji's eyes hardened. "You can keep the fuckin' thing, not like I can hit anything with it."

"And I appreciate that Shinji but you're not exactly any good to me or her, for that matter, dead."

The boy climbed into the Eva, firing up the engine before turning it around to face the opening garage door.

"One last thing, kid" Kaji called out "be careful who's toes you step on. Your mom might've fed you a lotta lies over the years but she was right about one thing: Gendo ain't the only high roller in this game." He brought a crumpled cigarette to his lips "Think he's bad, there're men out there who'd turn this place into a fuckin' parking lot to get what they want, and that includes you."

"_Gee, thanks for the pep talk_" Shinji grumbled inwardly.

"I'll keep that in mind, Double-Oh-Seven."

Engine idling, Shinji took a final glance at the smoking playboy.

"Lemme how your date with Pretty Boy goes, alright champ?"

Kaji chuckled at the young man's outstretched middle finger, watching with an amused grin as Unit-01 screeched out of the warehouse. Curious, he inspected the revolver Shinji left him again, this time popping out one of the brass cartridges. His expression gained a bemused quality and he rolled the smoke around in his mouth when he noticed it.

"Blanks."

* * *

"Eyo it's your boy K-Nasty, start chirpin'."

"Hey Kaworu, it's Shinji" replied the voice on the other end of the line.

Kaworu stood in the middle of the busy kitchen in his wife beater and slippers, contentedly mixing away at his latest narcotic concoction while assorted Angel goons ran to and fro in the background.

"My dude Shing-a-ling! What's poppin' man?" he shouted excitedly into the cellphone on his shoulder. "How wild was last night thooough?"

"It was pretty uhh wild, definitely the realest shit I've seen since I came into town."

"That's just how it is out here baby, gotta come see how the other half lives sometime, you feel me?"

"For sure man, so what are you up to?"

"Flippin' a few bricks, getting' some paper" Kaworu raised the whisk out of the bowl, allowing some of the proto-dope brew to slowly drip down. "But shit man, I don't gotta explain the trap game to an OG vet like yourself."

"I ain't gonna brag but I've moved a couple white girls here 'n there if ya catch my drift."

'_You fuckin' liar, only drug deal you've been in was that botched job in Old Tokyo!_' Shinji's conscience fumed internally.

"That's what I like to hear" Kaworu smiled. "Hey man I've got a lil' business venture to take care of this afternoon, how's about a ride-along?"

"I'm down, the Eva ain't exactly roomy though."

"No worries, we'll be cruising in my personal ride. So pick you up at three?"

"Sure, hey wait how d'you know m-"

_Click_

* * *

Asuka rolled over onto the other side of the bed for the hundredth time. Even with the air conditioning on, the room's atmosphere felt just as stale and claustrophobic. She'd all but locked herself in there as soon as the pair came back last night, refusing to look that IDIOT in his stupid idiot face and his stupid blue idiot eyes and the moronic way they bored into her soul and-

She took a deep breath, stopping herself.

"_Frickin' walking in there like he owns the place, having his little entourage chant his name on the way in._" The steaming gears in her head swiveled away at the speed of pissed the fuck off. '_Running off to get his dick wet and then having the fucking GALL to act all high and mighty when I catch him in the act._'

She admired her tank-top and booty short clad form in the full length mirror on the wall, swishing her fiery mane.

'_Ha, he wishes he could have a piece of this_' she thought proudly.

Her smile faltered when she imagined Rei's bored-looking face staring back at her.

"_You know, for an insignificant insect, he sure takes up a lot of your thoughts._"

"Shut up!" she said out loud. "I do _not_ spend all my time thinking about that twerp, I'm an important person with pressing matters on my mind!"

"_Reading celebrity gossip and downing bowls of Ben and Jerry's. Yeah, you're a real go-getter, girlfriend._"

"I don't have to take this you know!" she raged at the inanimate mirror "I'll go out on my own, give this town a proper fuckin' wake up call."

"_Mhmm, you do that. Make sure you lock the door and leave a note on your way out, wouldn't wanna make Prince Charming worry that someone's stolen the princess from the castle._"

"Oh fuck off."

Asuka swiped the door aside and stomped towards the phone, dialing the number and extension Misato had oh-so-helpfully written on a post-it note stuck to the fridge. Two and a half dial tones later, a breathless growl answered.

"This better be fuckin' good" Gendo spat.

"I'm calling because you were the one who requested that I come in the first place" she retained her poise and civil tone. "So why am I sitting on my ass here doing jack SHIT?"

On a silken bedspread across town, Gendo cringed and held the phone away from his ear until he felt that sufficient time had passed in the girl's rant.

"Listen kid, I don't know who the hell you think you're talkin' so lemme- AUGH WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT TEETH! ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?"

Asuka heard what sounded like a woman's voice and another string of expletives in the distance before Gendo returned.

"I'm gonna level with you," he grunted, returning after his outburst "the streets over here don't exactly runneth over with jobs for spoiled brats, but my boys say there's a little competition goin' on near Okazaki Plaza in a coupla hours if you wanna make a quick buck."

"Ha, just watch me! I'll show those clowns a real race!"

"Whatever floats your boat" Another pause while Gendo yelled at someone in the room again "Also don't call this number again. I don't care if you're fuckin' dying on the floor and you can't get up; this is why we have a chain of command."

And with that, Gendo promptly snapped the phone shut. He sat up on the bed watching Ritsuko come out of the bathroom, mascara and tears trailing down her cheeks.

"I'm going home" she whispered hoarsely.

"Aw come on Rits, I ain't mean like that" he got off the bed to embrace her. "You know I'd never hurt ya baby girl, now come back here and-"

She stormed out of the apartment, leaving Gendo all alone in his boxers.

"Fuck it," he huffed, flipping off the empty doorway "who needs you?"

Looking around, he walked over to his dresser drawer, bringing the glass of bourbon on the nightstand with him. He pulled out a worn wooden box from its depths, taking the time to savor its texture in his hands. Slowly, he released the latch and opened it to examine its contents.

Two things: a singular rusted dog tag with the words 'K. ROKOBUNGI' stamped into the metal, and a standard-issue nine-millimeter service pistol. With all the nicks and scratches, Gendo couldn't deny that both had seen better days.

'_Worse days too_' he added mentally. Sighing, he reached for the gun, inspecting the fading paint before bringing it up to get a better look at the blackened frame. He took an almost primal satisfaction in sliding a fresh magazine into place and chambering a round with a chunky _click_. Gendo approached the open balcony of the apartment, taking in the glory of his dominion.

Smiling, he spotted a beer bottle on a neighbor's patio two houses away, and lined up the shot.

BANG

Parents and children all around the block hit the floor instinctively, and the neighbor who'd set the bottle out began to seriously re-evaluate how aggressive the city's recycling program was becoming. Mile-wide smile still plastered on his face, Gendo turned back towards the apartment.

"I still got it."

* * *

A/N: Hope y'all didn't mind my introduction of original characters to the mix, just figured I'd play around with Gendo's origins and whatnot. Hell, even in the show's original run I'm pretty sure Fuyutsuki called him a thug. But that's neither here nor there; since you've all been so patient I've decided to top this off with not 1 but 2 shitty, rushed omake for the low, low price of free, enjoy.

P.S. IMO Justin Roiland as Morty in R&M sounding like a dead ringer for English dub Shinji (or, dare I say, a superior alternative) is what inspired this next bit.

xX| THE RIPOFF THEATRE PROUDLY PRESENTS |Xx

~A COMPLETELY UNORIGINAL PRODUCTION~

*DOUBLE FEATURE*

Gendo & Shinji's Galactic Adventures

Shinji sniffled a bit as he rolled over in his bed, struggling to find the sweet spot that would finally grant him the sleep he craved. He wiped a string of drool from his mouth leading to his pillow, finally deciding to toss the offending cushion overboard. Oh well, he'd heard sleeping without one was much better for your back anyway.

Soothed by the cool patch of bed sheet underneath, Shinji relaxed his tired eyes once more, felling himself sinking into the silken swath of serenity.

"HEY –_buurp_- SHINJI, YOU GOTTA WAKE UP!" blurted a voice from the doorway, followed by stumbling.

A soft click and a burning light fried Shinji's retinas and brushed aside his momentary peace with all the subtlety and nuance of a 2nd grade jazz ensemble.

"Ah jeez, w-w-what the heck's goin' on here!" he whimpered, pulling the sheets over his head, only have them ripped away by the intruding figure. As his vision came into focus the hazy form in front of him coalesced into his father's haggard expression, the bags under his eyes and stains on his lab coat telling a similar story of sleep deprivation. But what really came at you was the shock of blue plumage atop his head ever so slowly retreating from his hairline.

"You gotta come with me Shinji!" his father implored, his unshaven face reeking of alcohol.

"It's the middle of the night, Dad. I have school tomorrow!"

"School is for lames and old people, Shinji. Now come on, I got a surprise for ya in the garage."

"Aw man, is this another one of your crazy experiments?" Shinji moaned, resignedly getting up from the bed putting his shoes on.

"Bingo, and I need my little helper for a test drive, now _let's roll out_." Gendo abruptly grabbed his son by the ankle and dragged him across the floor to the doorway.

"Ow. Ow. Ow." Shinji whined as he added to his collection of bumps, scrapes, and various other maladies gained from merely being in Gendo's presence over the years. A few minutes later, the duo reached the garage and Gendo moved to open the door with a dramatic sweep.

"Voila!" He declared, gesturing with a bow outside. Shinji simply stared out at their driveway in confusion.

"W-what am I supposed to be looking at?" Shinji scratched his head. "Did you do something to Mom's car?"

Gendo did a double take before snapping his fingers.

"Crap, forgot to hit the cage release." He pulled a large red lever mounted on the wall, causing Shinji to feel a deep rumbling coming from beneath his feet. Suddenly, the driveway parted in two, receding to form a massive hole into which Yui's car tumbled.

"Oh jeez Mom's not gonna like this." Shinji held his head in his hands.

"Whaddya mean? Purple's her -_belch_- favorite color!"

That's when a truly _massive_ purple robot shot up from the ground on electromagnetic rails, towering like a colossus over the suburban sprawl.

"W-WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, GENDO? OH GODOHGODOH-"

"Snap out of it, Shinji!" The man grabbed him roughly by the shoulders. "I wantcha to meet Eva." He pointed to the humongous mech. "Don't be shy, go on and say hi."

"No Gendo, I'm p-putting my foot down." Shinji crossed his arms. "This is _way_ over the line!"

"C'mon Shinji, we're scientists! We're the risk-takers and the go-getters! What d'you w-wanna end up a housebroken –_buurp-_ male like your uncle for the rest of your life?"

"Why'd you build this… this big, crazy THING anyway?" Shinji shouted, exasperated.

"Come inside and I'll show ya."

Shinji stayed put, his arms remaining crossed.

"Shinji, don't make me do this." Gendo reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a pair of sunglasses.

"Nu-uh, I'm not gonna do it."

"Don't make me say it Shinji, 'cause you know I will."

The boy's rebellious posture faltered somewhat, and he uncrossed his arms.

"Nope, it's not gonna work this time."

"Shinji?"

"Ah-la-la, I can't hear you."

"Shinji!" Gendo barked sternly.

"What?" was his son's meek response.

"Get in the fucking robot, Shinji."

Before long the father-and-son team was on the move, traipsing through the city streets in their 200-foot death machine.

"Hey, this is a lot easier than I thought!" Shinji said with a hopeful grin as he gripped the control mechanisms. "I barely even have to think about it!"

"Totes m'lotes, dawg." Gendo replied, taking a swig from his flask.

"So w-what is it that you needed me for, Dad?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah you see that contraption in the back there?" Gendo pointed to a softly glowing red sphere emitting a slow beep. "It's gonna start human complementation and eradicate all life on Earth. Give us a fresh start, y'know?"

"WHAT, tha-that's not good Gendo! We can't go th-through with this!"

"Easy there, Shinji, we're gonna go and pick up your little friend Asuka first."

"From math class? B-but she barely even knows I exist!"

Gendo leaned over from the other side of the entry plug, his eyes cloudy with drunkenness.

"I -_burp_- want you have a thing, Shinji. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve son, 'cept you're gonna be Adam, and she's gonna be Eve."

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Shinji yelled. "I'm turning this thing around right now!"

"You don't have to worry, Shinji I got your back. I won't try anything funny with her, scout's honor."

Shinji ignored him, swishing the Eva around back towards home.

"Hey, what the h-_belch_-hell, Shinji!" Gendo clumsily reached for the control handles.

"Get off, Dad, I'm trying to save humanity!"

The two continued their scrap inside the entry plug, not noticing a set of high tension wires up ahead and landing face-first in a colossal THUMP.

"Oh jeez," Shinji coughed, his eyelids fluttering as he picked himself up off the floor. A few feet away, Gendo lay in a similar position.

"Ya did good Shinji," the old man grunted "This was all a test. Yeah, you heard right. Just an elaborate test to get you to be more assertive."

"Really?" the boy asked, tears welling up in his eyes as he heard the paternal approval he'd waited so many years for.

"Sure, whatever." The man collapsed onto the floor and began snoring. In the background, Shinji could hear the sphere's beeping increase in volume and frequency.

"Uhh, Gendo" Shinji tried rustling the old man awake to no avail.

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEEEEEEP

"Oh shi-"

FIN

NOW STARTING:

Tattooz R 4 Dummiesz

Shinji awoke to find himself under yet another unfamiliar ceiling.

'_And an unfamiliar bed while we're at it too_' he thought as he lay in the cold porcelain of the empty bathtub.

He picked his naked butt up off the floor and stumbled into the hallway, hoping to find some evidence of where his clothes had gone.

'_Some party last night_' he examined the multitude of discarded beer bottles and plastic cups that littered the floor. '_Wonder where everyone else is_'

He rounded the corner of the hallway, almost crashing into an equally naked Kensuke.

"Hey there… bro" the two awkwardly greeted each other. They would've bumped fists had their hands not been busy covering their junk.

"Things got pretty crazy last night, huh?" Shinji asked, trying to liven the mood.

"You can say that again, man I gotta start buying from Kaworu's guy if this is the kind of quality shit he can get."

"No kiddin'. Hey, you wanna head downstairs and see what everyone else is up to?"

"Sure, just lemme see if I can grab some clothes first." Kensuke turned around and walked towards one of the rooms, making Shinji's eyes widen when he saw what was between the boy's shoulder blades.

"Ken, since when d'you have a tattoo?"

"The fuck are you talkin' about?"

"A tattoo, there's one on your back right now I swear to God."

"Fuck outta here, what is it?!" Kensuke reached around with his hands, grabbing at his back.

"Hold still man, I ain't even get a good look at it."

"Well?!"

"Looks like one 'a them hearts with daggers through 'em" Shinji reported "And there's a little strip of paper around it that says 'REI' in big ass letters."

"Oh jeez man I don't remember gettin' any of that."

"Looks pretty sick though, I gotta admit."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm a lil' jelly to be honest."

"You ain't mad or nothin'?"

"Man, I just woke up in a friggin' bathtub after a drug-fueled orgy. I'm just happy I got outta there with my ass unscathed."

"Word, Kaworu's a cool guy and all but I don't like the suspect ass looks he throws at dudes sometimes, ya know?"

"I dunno man, anyway let's head downstairs and wake the sleepin' beauties."

"Now THAT sounds more like it."

Shinji turned around and now it was Kensuke's turn to gawk at his friend's back.

"Holy shit dude, you got tatted up too!"

"For real?! What's it say?"

"It's mostly a bunch of tribal type markings, but there's a big ass spot in the middle that just says 'FUCKED ME'."

"Kinda weird, but I can work with it I guess."

"Hey man, y'know what this means?"

"What?"

"We're tattoo brothers from now on, it's like a sacred bond that we take to the grave."

"That's some deep shit right there son."

Kensuke turned around, and Shinji couldn't resist ribbing on him for the tattoo.

"Rei!" he shouted as he punched his friend in the shoulder. Kensuke smirked, whipping around to return the favor.

"Fucked me!"

Spurred onward, Shinji continued their back-and-forth.

"Rei!"

"Fucked me!"

"Rei!"

"Fucked me!"

"Rei fucked me!" the two shouted simultaneously, with Kensuke ruffling his friend's hair. Shinji's face took on a gaunt expression as realization consumed his demeanor.

"Awww maaaaaan" he groaned, running back towards the bathroom to wallow under the coldest of showers. "Fuuuuuuck."

Downstairs, a German girl turned to her albino companion as the shared naked breakfast together.

"You are so evil," she chortled "How long are you gonna wait to tell him it's washable?"

"Eh, let him sweat it out." Rei smiled.

FIN PART DEUX


	9. Lean Out the Fantom

A/N: This was originally supposed to be a single chapter along with numero ocho but I figured I'd split it up because it'd be too long otherwise. As it stands, this one is more or less breathing room before shit pops off later on (I refuse to use the f-word you clowns). So go ahead and dig in y'all.

* * *

Touji rolled over to the edge of the bed to grab his phone, eager to silence its grating buzz. Through bleary eyes and thoughts he managed to decipher the characters onscreen to reveal a message from Kensuke.

"Yo shin wnts 2 kno if ur dwn 2 chill ltr" it read.

'_Jesus Christ Ken, learn how to type like an adult for fuck's sake_' Touji thought as he sent out a quick affirmation.

Not a minute later the phone resumed its buzzing once more.

"K cool btw hes cumin w/ sum guy c u ponzis."

Touji sighed, placing the phone back on the nightstand before making the mental leap required to convince his body to get out of bed. He slid out from under the sheets slowly, careful not to wake Hikari. Walking around the darkened bedroom, he leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead, eliciting a soft mewl as she pulled the sheets closer.

"You're going to the bar again, aren't you?"

"Hey, it ain't every day one of my best friends who went ghost for a decade just pops up outta nowhere."

"But you said we'd spend today together, and you've been out this whole week working."

"I know babe, it's not like I'm trying to-" he let out a breath and ran his hands through his hair "Look, I promise you I'll be back in time for date night. That cool?"

She sucked her teeth and pushed the covers off.

"Yeah it's fine Touji, perfectly fine."

"Awesome!" he leapt up and began throwing some clothes on, settling on an old tracksuit before losing himself in his thoughts.

'_Hey wait a sec, she doesn't call me 'Touji' unless something's up_'

"Hey babe," he uttered cautiously "is somethin' wrong?"

"Of course not _babe_, why on Earth would _anything_ be wrong?"

"Are you sure, 'cause you sound a lil'-"

"I can't with you" she huffed, turning her back to him. "D'you at least want me to make you something before you meet up with Moe and Larry?"

Touji's face lit up at the promise of food.

"You know it! Better get dolled up for tonight babe, gonna sweep you off your feet all over again."

"Is that a fact?" she grinned, stretching out "I was hoping for a little more than a movie and some awkward heavy petting."

"C'mon that was way back in middle school" he slumped over mockingly. "Don't tell me you weren't all over me after those smooth moves."

She scoffed and threw a pillow at him.

"I'll have you know I didn't let you reach second base until after the _third_ date, thank you very much." Hikari got up and began heading towards the kitchen. "So what's Shinji up to these days?"

"He uhh… drives I guess."

"You mean like a cab?"

"Not exactly."

* * *

Shinji, in what was becoming typical of his encounters with the boy, heard Kaworu before he saw him. Standing outside the apartment building in a simple white collared shirt and dark jeans, he could see the pebbles and other detritus on the sidewalk visibly rattle in time with vibrations from off in the distance. As the sounds drew closer he could make out the distinct rumble of subwoofers and a speaker system valued at somewhere around the GDP of a third world country.

_Got the girl twisted 'cause she open when you twist 'er_

_Never met the bitch but I fucked her like I missed her_

Up to the block pulled the most obscenely shiny sports car Shinji had ever witnessed in his young life. Past the blinding glare of the sun off the ice-white paint job and the music rattling his teeth, Shinji could see Kaworu's gigawatt grin hanging out of the driver's side window.

_Life is the bitch, and death is her sister _

_Sleep is the cousin, what a fuckin' family picture_

"Shiiit, well if it ain't my boy Shin Ikarizzle!" he called out from behind a pair of sparkling designer shades. "Hop in, motherfucker."

Shinji obliged and slid in behind one of the coupe's scissor doors, settling down on the lavish custom seat.

_No matter who's buyin' I'm a celebration_

_Black and white diamonds; fuck segregation_

The darker-haired of the two turned the other, yelling over the trill of the thundering beat.

"Nice ride you got here man!" Shinji could have sworn that the boy's face was slightly bluer and more sunken than when he'd seen him last, but in another moment the fleeting thought vanished.

'_Probably had a little scrap with someone at the club_'

"You mean this old bird?" Kaworu ran his hand over the dashboard. "I call her the K-Nasty F. Mobile."

Shinji's eyes nearly imploded from rolling so hard, but his pale companion simply continued in his sensuous exploration of the car's interior.

"What's the F stand for?"

"Fantom."

"You mean **Ph**antom? Like a Rolls-Royce?"

He inexplicably managed to stress the orthographical correctness in his pronunciation, which also went unnoticed by the car's guffawing driver.

"Those limey Brit fucks'd sell their dear old Nana if they thought it'd help them craft a fucking work of art like this, Shinbobo-bo. No, she's a thousand horses of pure, home-grown fuck you."

Shinji only shook his head, steering the conversation back towards the task at hand.

"So what sorta job didja have in mind?"

"House call for an influential client, but he's a lil' shifty so we might have to put the hurt on him if he tries to weasel outta payin'."

"We're just delivery boys, man. Don't know 'bout you but after what went down in the club last night I got over all this John Woo bullshit."

"Come on Shinji, don't fuck me on this" Kaworu warned. "Look, all we gotta do is go in there, drop off the work, and maybe shake his ass up a bit. Trust me, he sees two made men roll up on his front door all serious-like and he won't do shit."

"Alright man I'm just sayin' let's play it cool is all." Shinji opened the glove compartment. "You got an extra gun in here then?"

Kaworu remained… indifferent.

"Man I'm cool. Shit, I'm cool as a motherfuckin' cucumber right now son, you wish you were vibin' like this hombre right here."

"Are you high?" Shinji poked his head out again, just in time to see his partner in crime shuffling a white substance onto a small machete with a credit card. He was about to open his mouth when he saw the boy snort the whole line in one go, whooping and throwing his head back.

"Now THAT" he began, sniffling a bit "is what I call primo shit."

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Quality control."

Shinji sputtered spastically in his seat.

"Y-you can't just do that! Hand it over!"

"Didja want some?"

Shinji reached over to snatch the brick of cocaine Kaworu kept tucked under the seat.

"What the hell man, ain't there a rule against getting high on your own supply?"

"Aw c'mon _Mom_ I was just havin' a little taste is all."

"Fuckin' A, you know what? Let's just go to the fuckin' house already" Shinji slumped into the seat. "Christ, this explains so much right now. Are you always on some shit when I see you?"

Kaworu flashed him a dazzling smile as he turned to put the car into reverse.

"Man I'm turnt up every day and you don't e'en know it."

The albino purveyor of fine stimulants saw to it that they reached Tokyo-3's upper district in no time, coming to a stop outside of an ornate wrought-iron gate surrounded by an intimidating stone wall.

"This here's the place." Kaworu said "Let me do the talking."

Crackling static and a terse voice came from a black speaker mounted on the wall.

"State your name and business or I will have you arrested for trespassing onto priv-"

"Easy, Gramps" Kaworu drawled into the speaker box. "We're just here for a delivery is all."

"…Very well then."

As the gate parted and as the car rumbled through, Shinji could've sworn that the camera zoomed right in on _him_. Coming to a halt outside of the client's prestigious residence, the pair walked to around to pop open the trunk.

"Goddamn" Shinji thought out loud as he took in the mountain of coke that had been neatly packed into the back of the F. Mobile. "Are you tryna fuckin' kill the guy?"

"We ain't droppin' off the whole stash here Shindrome, but I'll be damned if I go anywhere without it."

Ten steps, two knocks, one kilo.

"Get in." A nondescript bodyguard ushered them through the door, eyeing the drugs Kaworu casually held in his hand.

"Long time no see, Gramps" the silver-haired albino commented as the pair stepped into to the foyer of the estate. Shinji looked the man up-and-down, swearing that there was something familiar in his anxious and furrowed brow. Kaworu noticed the two locked in their awkward staring contest and decided to interject.

"Oh yeah Shin-man forgot to tell ya, this here's Imaishi, one of our best customers."

"Imaishi" Shinji muttered, the name evoking grainy memories of auditoriums and tweed suits. "Didn't you use to be a school principal or something?"

"That's _Superintendent _Imaishi to you now." The man regarded Shinji with a sneer. "Though I see I did a fine job in encouraging a new generation of entrepreneurship."

"Anyways," Kaworu came between the two and pushed them towards the living room "we came here to talk business, so let's talk business." He dropped the brick of cocaine on the immaculate glass coffee table.

"Here's the coke, now where's our money?"

"Tell your father to put it on my tab." The man eagerly seized the masking-tape wrapped package.

"That ain't gonna fly this time Gramps. ya went over the line, so we're gonna have to charge a bit of overdraft."

Kaworu swiftly drew his pistol and put two rounds in the bodyguard's chest, ensuring no interference on his part. Smirking, he then trained the gun on the quivering bureaucrat in front of him.

"S'a nice place ya got here, bet I could get a pretty penny for most of this shit." Imaishi remained speechless as Kaworu drew closer. "Here's how it's gonna work: either ya fork over the cash now and get to keep your kneecaps, or I get _angry_."

Shinji, for his part, refrained from heeding the five-alarm fire bells ringing through his head telling him to run.

'_This crazy motherfucker is gonna get us both killed!_'

"Are you an idiot?" the cowering superintendent cried, looking two steps away from compromising the integrity of his bowels. "Do you have any idea who you're threatening?!"

"Let's hurry this up, K." Shinji urged, hearing the sound of hulking footsteps drawing nearer.

"We ain't goin' nowhere 'til this piece a' shit gives us our money!"

"I don't have any, okay!" the man yelled "This isn't even my house! It's my sister-in-law's!"

"And who the hell is that?" Kaworu scratched his head with the gun's barrel.

Suddenly, a group of burly men clad in black burst into the room brandishing assault rifles and yelling in Russian. Shinji and Kaworu dove behind the couch, leaving Imaishi to stand up and direct the squad of goons.

"GET THEM!" he screamed, pointing at the drug-dealing duo. A chorus of rough Eastern-European grunts followed as Shinji turned in exasperation to his partner.

"Oh fuck Kaworu, the hell are we gonna do now?"

"Don't worry man, I got it all figured out." The albino boy stood up, flashing a grin at the amassed thugs. "C'mon guys put the guns away. I'm sure we can solve a simple misunderstandin' li- SHINJI RUN!"

Kaworu fired off three quick rounds into the group, sending them sprawling. He let out a triumphant whoop as he grabbed the cocaine off the table and dashed for the door, shooting wildly into the air all the way. Bewildered, Shinji scrambled after him, the harsh _chop-chop-chop_ of automatic rifle fire hot on his heels. He found Kaworu starting up the F. Mobile, enjoying the engine's smooth purr as he opened the door to let Shinji through.

"Havin' fun yet?" the driver asked.

"What the fuck was that about?!"

"Business is business Shindig; can't make an omelet without crackin' a few eggs."

With that, the "Fantom" peeled out of the driveway, roaring down the street in a cloud of exhaust. The young albino calmly flicked the radio on, melting into his seat amidst the thundering bass. Shinji, however, was less than relaxed.

"Hey Kaworu, we got a problem!" He pointed to three black SUVs quickly gaining on their car.

"No worries, these guys are baby food." Kaworu tried to ease Shinji's concerns with a flash of teeth, which was when several high-caliber rounds came ripping through the cabin. Shinji ducked and held his head in his hands under the deafening assault, waiting for bullets to carve their way through him.

"OH HELL NO!"

Shinji opened his eyes to see Kaworu clutching his hand to his chest.

"Holy shit, what happened?!"

"DO YOU SEE THIS SHIT?" Kaworu shrieked, thrusting his creamy palm into Shinji's nose. The dark-haired boy blinked, having expected a bloodied stump or at least a few missing fingers.

"What am I s'posed to-"

"Those bastards made me break a nail!" He pointed to a spot on the tip of his middle finger slightly singed at the point where a flaming bit of lead travelling at supersonic speeds had just barely brushed passed it. "Now I'm fuckin' MAD!"

He punched a button on the dashboard, and behind the car a pair of flaps opened from underneath the rear headlights. These ports jettisoned a series of small black discs, which flew out towards the tailing trio of cars.

"Waaaait for it… and _now_!"

The resulting series of explosions sent one of the cars flying straight up in a scorching heap, and the other two swerving to avoid the blast. As the tires of the F. Mobile squealed around the corner, Kaworu swiped the shades off his face and stuck his head out the window.

"YEAH, HOW'S THAT DICK TASTE, MOTHERFUCKER?"

'_What in the hell is this guy's deal?_' Shinji thought as he observed the rowdy boy hanging half his torso outside the car.

"Y'ALL NIGGAS CAN'T FUCK WITH K!"

"Jesus Christ!" Shinji pulled him back inside before an oncoming truck neatly divorced Kaworu's upper and lower halves. "What the _fuck_ did you do that for?"

"It's cool Shinjaroo, I have black friends y'know."

"That's not what I meant" Shinji's shoulders drooped in dejection, turning his head towards the rearview mirror. "Looks like it slowed 'em down though."

The car made a gentle turn into an abandoned alleyway, after which Kaworu killed the engine.

"Ease up, man" He fingered another surreptitiously placed button secreted away in the dash. "The Fantom's got all kinds of tricks up her sleeve."

Slowly but surely, the brilliant white coat of the automobile began to change, eventually reaching a dark, rich shade of black.

"Exterior like fish eggs…" Kaworu began proudly to himself.

Much to Shinji's surprise, their seats and indeed the whole of the cabin, turned a deep velvet-esque color.

"…Interior suicide-wrists red."

Shinji nodded appreciatively until he heard the growl of two truckload's worth of angry mooks looking for them.

"Alright, that was pretty cool but won't they recognize us since we're still in the same car?"

"Not if we drive away really fast."

And they did.

* * *

Ritsuko pushed the end of the dying cigarette stub further into the overpopulated ashtray, raking her eyes listlessly over the stylistically unkempt man staring out of the window.

"So what do you say?" Kaji asked.

"What do I say? I say you're an untrustworthy dickhead motivated only by a skewed moral compass and an insatiable thirst for poon who's pinned the hopes of an entire international investigation on a scared little boy."

"And?"

She averted her gaze, reaching for the worn pack of smokes in her purse.

"It's still damn better than putting up with Gendo." Her hands brought the sweet vessel of carcinogenic relief to her cherry-red lips. "So what did you do to the Evangelion, anyway?"

"General improvements to things like armor and overall performance, made the cabin a little roomier too but we tried to keep it low key. The fun part was running into your old friends from the Artificial Evolution Labs."

Ritsuko leaned forward at the mention of _that_ particular facility, the hub of white walls and humming machines where a bright young brunette had once sworn to further the betterment of humanity.

"And what did they tell you?"

"They got me an S2 engine."

"Bullshit."

"Believe it, Blondie. Right now Unit-01's sittin' on the most illegally overpowered propulsions system on or off any market."

"Why now though, why with HIM piloting it?"

"Deep cover for almost a decade with next to no leads doesn't leave me with the best of options. Shinji's honestly the only asset in this town I can really put faith in. And to do what I need him to do, he'll need all the help he can get."

"Faith, huh" she scoffed, re-crossing her stocking-clad legs "and what about _her_?"

"Asuka will be fine, and very far away from here once the bullets start flyin'."

"You know who I'm talking about."

A pregnant pause was shared between the two Tokyo University alumni (Go Fighting Koi!).

"She'll be alright too; I'm working on an exit strategy."

"Presumably one that doesn't involve a body bag."

He ignored her comment, returning his attention to the dusty windowsill of her apartment.

"So can you do this for me, and keep it hidden from Gendo?"

"As long as my terms are met I'll fulfill my part of the deal." She took a drag from her cigarette. "But nothing stays hidden from that bastard for long in this town; I'd say he's got you in his sights already."

"I was counting on that, which is why I'll only need a little while longer to pull this off. With Shinji's help of course."

"So besides making the Evangelion horribly unsafe to pilot, what does adding the S2 engine actually do?"

"Since it's a prototype, it'll work in conjunction with the systems already in place as opposed to replacing them. I don't know all the technical stuff behind it but apparently it'll also allow him to release the limiters you put in place temporarily, sending the Eva into a state of…"

Ritsuko looked up at the man again, who was seemingly frozen in a gesture of triumph prior to finishing his statement.

"Hey, are you-."

"MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!" he shouted to the heavens, scaring the crap out of Ritsuko's dozing cats.

"Wow, did you think of that one all by yourself?"

"It was in the abstract, actually. All caps and everything."

"I weep for this generation." Ritsuko sighed and brought herself off of the office chair's cheap pleather embrace. "So what do you have the kid doing that's so important, anyway?"

"He's out chaperoning Pretty Boy right now."

"That 'diplomat' the Angels sent? I thought Daddy wasn't very keen on letting him off his leash."

"Who knows what the hell goes through Kihl's mind? I'm just glad this 'cease-fire' is on 'cause it's making my life a helluva lot easier without the whole city on edge."

"Cease-fire or not, you wouldn't be preparing like this if you didn't expect a bloodbath soon enough."

Kaji paused for a moment, reaching into his shirt pocket for a little pick-me-up of his own.

"You have no idea."

* * *

"Ken, who the fuck is that?"

Kensuke turned his attention from Touji to look over at the two guys who just strolled into the bar. He quickly recognized the marginally shorter brown-haired milquetoast as his childhood friend, but raised a curious eyebrow at the sight of the white-haired boy next to him who seemingly _glittered_ even in the dingy confines of Ponzi's.

"Oh shit, Shinji" Kaworu brought his hand up to halt the Eva pilot. "We gotta bounce, those two clowns over there are five-oh. I can smell it."

What Kaworu actually smelled were the amassed boxes of donuts on the officers' table, but Shinji didn't need to know that.

"Take it easy man, they're cool. Those are the guys I was talkin' to you about."

"I don't fuck with pigs Shin-man, one wrong move 'n I swear I'll blow 'em away."

"Hey Shin!" Touji called as the pair walked over. "How've you been, man?"

"Been doin' alright" Shinji kept his hands in his pockets, feeling the tension between his tentatively titled "new friend" and his older ones. "Guys, this is Kaworu. We were hangin' out before we came out here."

Were glares daggers, the bar would have been ground zero for a truly spectacular frenzy of knife-based carnage as the trio continued their silent stare-off.

"So…" Kensuke began, still eyeing Kaworu with more than a hint of trepidation. "How's living with Red goin'?"

"It goes alright, had a pretty wild time last night as a matter of fact" Shinji responded, sharing a sideways glance with Kaworu. With this statement however, Touji's head snapped to attention.

"You smooth motherfucker, you frosted her strudel didn'tcha?"

"Well I- wait, what?" Shinji scratched his head in confusion.

"What he's tryna say, albeit stupidly," Kensuke interrupted "is 'Did you fuck her yet?'."

"Jesus, what is it with you two? I know she's hot and all but this is just OD thirsty behavior."

"Who're we talkin' 'bout?" Kaworu interjected, tired of being left out of the conversation.

"Y'know, Asuka. She's pretty easy on the eyes, ain't she?" answered Kensuke.

"Yeah, until she opens her fuckin' trap. Goddamn that girl can yell." The albino grumbled.

"Word, that's why we're waitin' on Shin to fuck the crazy out of 'er." Touji snickered, turning to Shinji. "You don't mind takin' one for the team do ya?"

"Aw c'mon she ain't even that bad, just 'cause you guys don't take the time to know her..." Shinji's admission was met by a resounding triple groan from around the table.

"I fuckin' knew it" Kaworu threw his hands in the air. "This dude went and caught feelings."

Meanwhile, Kensuke pulled a crisp 1000-yen note out of his wallet and placed it in Touji's waiting palm.

"Told ya so" Touji declared, relishing the look of defeat on Kensuke's face. "I love ya Shin, but if I know one thing it's that a vanilla soft-serve motherfucker like you can't say no to a pretty face."

He continued chortling and shoved the money in his pocket, a faraway look on his face.

"Now Misato, that's a woman I can get behind."

"You mean Katsuragi? She's type old ain't she?" Kaworu commented.

"Man, she could be old enough to be my Mom and STILL get it." Kensuke smacked his glass on the table.

"Oh word, now you wanna hop on the Katsuragi bandwagon?" Touji stepped in. "What happened to Angel Cakes?"

"Who?" asked Shinji and Kaworu simultaneously.

"What the hell kinda name is that?" Shinji laughed. "You dating a stripper or somethin'?"

"It's your sister."

Both boys' laughs ceased immediately.

'_So this one has it bad for Rei, interesting_' Kaworu thought, resisting the urge to cackle maniacally.

'_Oh jeez this is gettin' kinda awkward_' Shinji thought as the uncomfortable silence settled in '_Time to beat a hasty retreat!_'

"I'm gonna go take a leak." Shinji excused himself and walked towards the restroom.

"Man why'd ya have to bring her up?" Kensuke muttered.

"Don't look at me son. I ain't the one fallin' all over Miss Independent and her heroin chic flow." Touji continued sipping his drink. "Not that Shinji's much better off dancin' with the Devil."

"I'll give 'im the benefit of the doubt," Kaworu remarked "she looks damn fine for a gaijin."

"Word, Shin should hook her up with one of those BDSM getups he's always goin' around in."

"I wouldn't mind that" Kensuke said, perking up. "She's got a nice ass."

"Yeah, on some real shit though, I'd eat her ass like an Almond Joy any day of the week."

Kaworu leaned back into the chair with a content smile on his face while the officers' brows furrowed in confusion.

"What?"

"Alright look, I know Four-Eyes over here is sufferin' from a terminal case of dry-dickness," Kaworu moved his finger from Kensuke to Touji "but you look like a dude who gets it in on the reg."

"And? That don't mean I go putting my fuckin' mouth near anybody's ass."

"For real? So you're tellin' me that you ain't never seen an ass so fat and juicy that you just wanted to eat that shit?"

"What the fuck?"

"Hey guys, what'd I miss?" Shinji asked cheerfully.

"Nothin' much" Kaworu replied quickly. "I gotta get goin' so I'll catch you cool cats later." He pushed his chair out and strutted towards the door. Moments later, a muffled "K-Nasty out!" could be heard followed by the squeal of tires on pavement.

"Have a seat Shin, we needa talk about your new business partner."

* * *

With the sun steadily drooping towards the horizon, Asuka pulled up to the small crowd gathered at the plaza. There were only a few people with any cars to speak of, and the murmuring atmosphere was much quieter than what she expected from a street race. Nevertheless, she hopped out of the Eva and looked for whoever was in charge. After walking around for a few minutes, she spotted someone who looked reasonably distinctive enough to be considered an organizer or promoter of some sort.

"Hey!" she shouted, turning his head as well as a few others who were more than a little surprised to see a teenage girl on the circuit. "How much is the entrance fee?"

"Ain't much money down," the shady-looking man said "If you've got the yen y-." He stopped when he spied something over her shoulder.

"Oh nah, you're one of them Evas or whatever ain'tcha?"

"I am an Evangelion _pilot_ thank you very much." She crossed her arms in defiance. "So are you gonna let me race or not?"

"Sorry lady, that purple bastard's been kickin' our asses for a minute now. Don't nobody wanna race against a machine like that if they're guaranteed to lose."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" she huffed in disgust.

"I dunno if you're just used to Daddy payin' for all those shiny repairs little lady but we ain't exactly got the cash to bring our rides to the shop every time that purple asshole comes and blows us outta the water. Fuck that, I got bills to pay."

"Yeah, me too" piped up a shirtless guy on a motorcycle nearby.

"See? Nobody wants you on the streets, so we're boycotting."

"This is ridiculous!" Asuka brought out her phone, intending to give Gendo another piece of her mind.

"Hey I don't make the rules, I just enforce 'em." The slick-haired bookie ran his eyes up and down the young redhead's slender form. "However, I might be willing to bend 'em a little if ya let me buy you a drink."

She snapped her phone shut and stomped back towards Unit-02, pulling out the radio attached to the loudspeaker.

"LISTEN UP, ASSHOLES!" A multitude of disgruntled young men turned to look at the grating German girl calling their attention. "IS THERE ANY SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN HERE WHO ISN'T AFRAID OF GETTING HIS ASS KICKED BY A TEENAGE GIRL?"

"You best watch ya mouth!" yelled a random in the growing mob. "I ain't above puttin' the hurt on a bitch who don't know her place."

Asuka's eyes narrowed and she whispered something unintelligible into the handheld radio. Without warning, a series of mean-looking guns jutted out from the Eva, whirring in the direction of the thoroughly embarrassed crowd of delinquents.

"You wanna try that again?" She sneered, not even attempting to hide the shit-eating grin infecting her smile.

"What he meant to say is…" the promoter from earlier came forward "Can we just give you the prize money and you'll go?"

"Better."

* * *

Atop a gleaming subterranean pyramid, Gendo studied his son's drunken antics from behind a computer monitor. He tented his hands, resting his chin behind the white gloved knuckles.

"I must say, Gendo," Fuyutsuki commented from behind "this level of voyeurism is becoming quite disturbing to say the least."

"I take it you haven't seen the bathroom cameras I installed, then."

"…"

"I'm joking, you old fart. Now pull up a chair and watch my son be an assclown for a while."

"We were all young once, Gendo. Even I remember that."

"Yeah, well I started with nothin'. But I had drive. I had ambition. I wanted to do something and I fucking did it." He gestured to the grand throne room around them. "And I hand Shinji everything on a silver platter and what's he do with it?"

Fuyutsuki watched a looped recording of a younger Shinji awkwardly struggling with the bow of a cello.

"I think the boy deserves a tad more credit than that. Despite all of the murdering and lying and cheating you might find that he has enough kindness in his heart to spare you some forgiveness."

"Don't give me that 'It's never too late to be a father' Hallmark bullshit, I know for a fact the kid's just _achin'_ to see my old ass mounted above his fuckin' fireplace."

"As you wish" Fuyutski squinted at a grainy picture of a young family of three on a beach tucked away in the corner of the computer monitor. "Didn't you say you were going to punish the boy?"

"Having met 'im I'd say spending the day with Nagisa is torture enough for anybody. But now that you mention it I don't see why I couldn't provide him with some extra motivation to not disappoint his dear old Dad. Especially considering they stepped in on Ivan turf today."

"Hmm, Nagisa is a most curious child. He certainly wouldn't have been my first choice for a peacemaker."

"Like father, like son. Though I do think it's been quite some time since I've had a chat with Kihl. Maybe I'll ring the rickety robotic fuck and see what he's been up to."

Fuyutsuki offered no comment as the garbled sounds of Shinji's childhood filled his ears.

* * *

"Man, where'd you find that guy?"

Shinji brought his glazed-over eyes up to meet Touji's.

"Dunno what to tell ya, s'far as I know his Dad wanted my dad dead but now they're cool or whatever." He threw his hands in their air mockingly. "Other'n that all I know is that he's a crazy cokehead fuck who may or may not be tryna kill me."

Upon parting with Kaworu at the bar, the three amigos found themselves trotting back to Misato's place for another round of drinks. So far, it was the Eva pilot who currently found himself farthest under the table. The trio shared a laugh in the otherwise empty apartment amidst the darkening sky.

"Sounds rough, man" Touji replied, the sound of classic rock riffs trailing over from the stereo. "Hey Ken, you still there? Been sittin' there like a fuckin' zombie for a minute now."

Kensuke was currently blocking out any possible mental distractions, his senses and brainpower all locked onto the short message blinking on his phone:

"So how about those drinks?" he read "Apartment 402 in Peach Trees, don't be late. - Angel"

"AYE!" Touji barked. "The hell's the matter with you?"

"Touji! I uhh need to borrow your car."

"Borrow my car? For what?"

"To uhh… get food. You ain't exactly in any shape to drive."

"He's right Touji" slurred Shinji. "How's aboutcha scoop some Domino's for us? Large meat lover's."

"On it!" Kensuke affirmed, grabbing Touji's keys from the table. "I'll be back in like fifteen minutes."

He then dashed out the apartment, slamming the door as he went.

"Fucker must be hungry" Touji joked. "Ain't never seen a dude get so hyped over pizza."

Meanwhile, Kensuke flew down the stairs at speeds not commonly approached by those with his physique. Huff and puffing, he jumped into the car and triumphantly shoved the key in the ignition. With a white-knuckled grip on the wheel, he found himself barreling towards the shady apartment complex detailed in the text.

'_Holyshitholyshitholyshit this is really happening_' he thought, all sorts of lecherous fantasies popping in and out of his mind. He reached a red light and decided to take a few deep breaths, turning on the radio to help calm his nerves.

_KRR- Hey hey Mama! Said the way you move_

_Go'n make you sweat, gonna make you groove_

"I love ya Jimmy, but not tonight" Kensuke turned the radio dial. "Lookin' for somethin' a little softer."

_KRR-on't eat, I don't sleep _

_I do nothing but think of you _

_You keep me under your spell, you keep me under your spe-_

"Not that soft" he mumbled, changing the station again.

_KRR-nteen, nothin' but pussy stuck on my mental _

_My motive was rather sinful_

_What you tryin' to get into?_

_She didn't tell, _

_Just gave me her Nextel, dropped the number_

_We chirped the whole summer and well… _

"That works." He silently tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as bobbed his head in time. He didn't understand much of the English, but the beat was smooth so who cared?

_Summer had passed and now I'm likin' her_

_Conversations we havin' probably enticing her_

_Who could imagine, maybe my actions would end up wifin' her _

_Love or lust, regardless we'll fuck 'cause of the strife in us. _

Kensuke studied the deserted streets as he drew nearer to his destination, nervously hitting the locks on the doors.

_It's deep rooted, the music of bein' young and dumb_

_It's never muted, in fact it's much louder where I'm from_

He scanned the pockmarked asphalt and alleyways for any signs of life, inwardly patting himself on the back for not being in uniform. Policemen, especially a lone scrawny newbie in glasses, wouldn't be very welcome in this part of town. Heeding the GPS, he turned on the corner of a convenience store, avoiding potholes as he went.

_I was in heat like a cactus, my tactics of bein' thirsty_

_Prob'ly could hurt me, but fuck it I got some heart_

_Grabbed my Momma's key's, hopped in the car, then oh boy_

Kensuke brought up his phone again. "Only a couple more blocks."

_I'm thinkin' 'bout that sex, thinkin' 'bout her thighs_

_Or maybe kissin' on her neck, or maybe what position's next _

_Sent a picture of her titties blowin' up my text _

_And almost ran my front bumper into a Corvette_

Kensuke swore he saw a shadow move out of the corner of his eye, but shook his head and continued the sedan's steady advance.

_Enthused by the touch of a woman, she's a masseuse_

_And I'm a professional porn star when off the Goose_

_Got a fifth in the trunk like Curtis Jackson for ransom_

_Hopin' to get her loose like an Uncle Luke anthem_

Up ahead, he could already see the brutalist façade of the apartment complex jutting from the ground like a great grey monolith.

_I'm two blocks away, two-hundred and fifty feet_

_And six steps from where she stay, she wavin' me 'cross the street_

_I pull up, a smile on my face and then I s-_

Here. The boy gulped and turned the car off, taking a moment to psych himself before stepping out into the breezy evening air. He rolled his shoulders as he took in the massive rectangular eyesore that was Peach Trees, completely unaware of the frantically buzzing cellphone in his coat pocket. Across town, a certain pair of stooges wailed into the voicemail box of their bespectacled buddy.

_Please leave your message for: eight-one-thr-BEEP_

_Record your message after the tone_

"Kensuke, where you at?" Touji drawled. "Damn, I been sittin' here waitin' on my car. Told me you were gonna be back in fifteen minutes! I gotta get back to Hikari, man."

He cast a look at the Eva pilot sprawled on the couch.

"And Shinji's ready to eat! I'M ready to eat, shit. You on your way or what? I hope you ain't out there messin' with them damn hood-rats, 'specially that crazy-ass girl Rei. Plus ya got work tomorrow, keep fuckin' around in the streets and you ain't gonna get that promotion."

"That Kensuke on the phone?" Shinji asked.

"Shinji's here goin' off about some damn Domino's, he wanna get at you too. Go on Shin."

Touji passed the cellphone to a thoroughly irate and hungry Shinji.

"Hello? Yeah, where's my motherfuckin' Domino's at?"

"Shinji!"

"What?" Shinji cast a look at Touji's frustrated face.

"You're on his voicemail you fuckin' fool."

"Oh." He brought the phone away from his face. "I'll ask you then, where's my fuckin' Domino's? Second time I'm askin'."

"Give me the damn phone, shit!" Touji snapped. "Kensuke, when you get this message call me back. I needa know when you bringin' my damn car back."

Touji held Shinji at bay with a well placed jab from the taller boy.

"This dude's fussin' about some pizzas it ain't all that serious. Fuck Domino's, imma miss date night! Fuck that shit, don't nobody wanna hear that."

"Nobody wanna hear your ass!" Shinji retorted. "Mattafact, put my motherfuckin' oldies back on. You killin' my motherfuckin' vibe."

_Click_

* * *

Congratulating himself on having gotten this far without any new holes inside him, Kensuke finally reached to fourth floor of the dismal edifice. Just beyond the cold concrete corridor he spotted a beacon of light, a single wooden door left slightly ajar and emanating a warm honeyed glow from the edges.

"_Apartment four-oh-two_" he thought.

Kensuke dashed towards the threshold, coming to a squealing halt once he reached the door itself. Pausing, he brought a shaky hand towards the bronze doorknob. At last he stepped inside the apartment, hearing a breathy voice crooning from beyond his field of vision. It was undoubtedly female, but there was some incalculable quality that gave it an ethereal air. It was like chills down your spine and audio goosebumps, like listening to an-

"Angel" he whispered.

_Whirlwind, take me there_

_Where I will be his lady fair_

_Sheets of night, hiding us_

_Gusts of wind, riding us _

Examining the sparse amenities of utilitarian apartment, Kensuke deduced that the voice was coming from the steaming shower.

_I'm blown away, into his hands_

_I'm weak and I can barely stand_

_In the web of dizzy leaves _

_Virgins all elude the trees_

Deciding to let her finish up, he walked over to the wooden dresser adjacent to the open window. Atop it lay an assortment of various pills and medicine bottles, and in front of that a pair of beaten glasses.

_Touch me now, touch me_

_Black acres are claiming me_

He was so enraptured by the sensuous voice that he never noticed the squeak of the water valve silencing the rushing flow. The boy continued to fiddle with the glasses until a soft breath brushed past his neck.

"Hey Loverboy."

He jumped about a foot in the air, fumbling with the glasses while simultaneously attempting to keep his pants dry.

"H-holy shit Rei!" he grabbed at his chest. "You, you-" he looked her up and down, noting the obvious and turning a deep shade of red "You're not w-wearing any-."

"Easy there Ken, just calm down." She gently pushed him onto the disheveled cot. "But I swear if you say anything about curtains and drapes I'll make you regret it, kay?"

He gulped, nodding. The whole situation seemed so surreal to him, he honestly expected to wake up any minute now in need of a wet towel and new sheets.

"Your door was open" Kensuke spouted uniformly, trying and failing to keep his eyes averted from the girl's nude form.

"I see those glasses aren't just for show" she teased "Everyone on the block knows better than to come snooping around here, so I don't bother closing it. Besides, I don't think they expected anyone to answer a booty call from the boogeyman."

"So that's w-what this is?" he chuckled nervously.

"What do you think?" She dropped the towel completely now, placing a finger against his gaping lips. "Don't answer that."

Returning his gaze to her face, he could make out the slight blue tint of a bruise in the process of healing on her cheek.

"Jesus, Rei. What happened?" He brought his hand up but it was quickly swiped aside.

"Don't even start, Loverboy" she sighed. "You know too much already. Now just relax, alright?"

"I mean this is all kinda sudden I mean yesterday I didn't think you knew I EXISTED let alone-"

She cupped the boy's mouth, shifting her body to straddle his own on the thin sheets.

"Listen Ken, do you know the difference between love and obsession?"

A short pause before shaking his head.

"Or the difference between obsession and desire?"

Another slow shake.

"Good, because neither do I. But what I do know is that even a fucked up pair of people like you and me have needs, so stop pretending that you don't want this just as much as I do."

He regarded her with a curious expression while he gently peeled her hand from his mouth.

"Aren'tcha s'posed to take me out to dinner first?" he joked, trying to liven the tension.

"I'll give you a little taste." She leaned over to press her lips to his, pulling up his shirt as she went. "Just one."

The young man inhaled sharply, attempting to commit every facet of the moment to memory lest it end prematurely.

"Then we'll do the rest."

A/N: I was feelin type musical~ while writing this chapter, so in keeping with that theme I whipped up this omake on the commute home the other day. This next one goes out to anybody who ever daydreamed about getting a band together and totally rocking the socks off the audience at your school's talent show i.e. every single last one of you lonely mofos.

xX| THE RIPOFF THEATER PROUDLY PRESENTS |Xx

~2 HOURS ON THE TURNPIKE~

OR

Angels in the Airwaves

_Load up on guns, and bring your friends_

_It's fun to lose and to pretend_

_She's over bored, and self-assured_

_Oh no, I know a dirty word_

"Hey Shinji?"

"Hmm?"

"Let's start a band."

Shinji took his headphones off and rolled over on the couch to cast a doubtful look at his redheaded childhood friend.

"…Why?"

"I dunno" she shrugged. "I'm bored."

He knew all too well the destructive potential of that one simple phrase, but chose to humor her anyway.

"Just like that, just 'start a band'?" He drew exaggerated pictograms in the air with his hands. "What about instruments?"

"My uncle from Germany moved in with us about a week ago. He brought a whole bunch of guitars and music stuff with him but it's just been collecting dust so far."

"But I don't even know how to play guitar" the brown-haired boy mumbled. "And neither do you, for that matter."

"Shows what you know!" her more _abrasive_ side began to rear its head. "I was classically trained to be a musical prodigy!"

"Asuka, I was in the school orchestra in 4th grade too. It's not the same."

"Hmmph! It's not like violin and cello are that different from guitar and bass."

"Actually, they kinda are."

He watched her stand up and walk over to him, giving his forehead a playful flick of her index finger.

"And that party pooper attitude is the reason why you're the bass player."

He sighed, cowing to her haughty form's wishes.

"Fine, we'll start a band."

While she began her oral dissertation on why it was so prudent for certain idiot(s) to listen to her at all times, Shinji couldn't help but drag his eyes over the rolling cyan mounds of her school uniform. Though he'd never admit it publicly, puberty had done wonders for the girl and he knew from several pulled-by-the-hand excursions to the lake that even the uniform really didn't do her justice. Despite their mutual distaste at Hikari's various niggling nudges to push them together, Shinji didn't really find the idea itself _that_ preposterous. And fledgling feelings aside, he wasn't above occasionally placing the fetching _fräulein_ in the starring role of his mental midnight meanderings into erotica unknown.

"I suppose you'll be needing a drummer as well." A barely audible voice piped up, making Shinji jump.

After recuperating from his near-coronary, Shinji looked up from the couch at the apathetic expression that seemed to be permanently stapled onto Rei's face.

"Oh jeez Rei, when did you get here?"

"I finished my cleaning duty at school and came here afterwards. But I did arrive in time to hear Sorhyu's proposal to form a musical ensemble."

"And what makes you think you have enough talent to be in MY band, Wondergirl?"

Shinji leaned forward in earnest curiosity. Although they had warmed up to each other considerably over the years, the two girls still periodically locked horns and traded death stares. To prove what was anybody's guess.

"From what I gathered of both yours and Shinji's repertoire of skills, musical talent does not appear to be a prerequisite for joining the band." She tilted her head slightly in the boy's direction. "No offense to you, Shinji."

"None taken" he chuckled lightly.

Rei was another odd one as well. Where Asuka had the habit of running her mouth too often, the pale girl stood as a silent sentinel in the rear of the class; answering only in the most concise monosyllabic responses. Recently, however, Shinji had seen a decided increase in the girl's verbosity, though she remained fairly indifferent to anyone outside of their little group.

"Why I oughta-" the redhead began, fuming. "You know what? Let's see you put your money where your mouth is. C'mon Shinji, we're goin' to the attic!"

A few minutes later found the trio of teens setting up the various equipment stored in the German girl's attic. In addition to a full drum set and duo of microphones, they also came across various amps, pedals, and other doo-dads to help them achieve rock star status. Or in this case first place at the talent show.

"_Ohhh_ yes" Asuka licked her lips as she inspected the contents of a heavy black guitar case. "Come to Momma."

Shinji turned his head to see the girl tucking her head through the strap of a guitar. But not just any guitar: a cherry Gibson Flying V so ferociously crimson it shined like a miniature red sun. Against the backdrop of her fiery mane and beams of light streaming through the window, Shinji couldn't imagine a more appropriate fit.

"Quit staring and get back to looking you idiot!"

He obliged her and eventually came across a weathered guitar case of his own. Fingers unapologetically trembling with excitement, he released the latches and opened the case to reveal…

A shitty black Strat.

Never in his young life had Shinji come across a poor instrument so abused and mistreated. The innumerable scratches caused him to doubt the guitar's original color and the worn-out strings looked older than he did. Shaking his head, he turned the bass on its side to get a better look.

'_Is that friggin' duct tape?_' he thought.

"Ahem!" the redhead tapped her foot impatiently. "We're waiting for you!"

"Sorry."

"And what is _that_?" she pointed to the threadbare instrument in his hands.

"It's the bass I found. We'll make it work somehow I guess."

"Well YOU better fix it then. I'm not having our whole band suck just because you can't be bothered to do basic maintenance."

'_Easy for you to say_' he grumbled inwardly.

"Alright" the proud German commanded. "Let's start!"

"Start with what?" Rei interjected while Shinji fiddled with the tuning pegs on his bass. "You haven't given us a piece to perform, O Glorious Leader."

"Shut up!" she retorted. "Writing a song can't be that hard, people do it all the time! Just listen to all the crap on the radio!"

"If it's so easy why don't YOU do it?" Shinji shot back, growing impatient with the finicky strings.

"Just watch me. Rei!" Asuka barked at the blue-nette. "Drop a beat for me!"

"What?"

"Y'know, start playing something, anything! For God's sake, all you're doing is banging on circles with wooden sticks, it isn't rocket science!"

The pale girl's eyes narrowed.

"As you wish." And she began tapping out a steady rhythm to get the other members' heads nodding.

"Alright, alright, I'm feelin' it. Shinji!"

"Yeah?"

"Do that thing you were doing before. That one simple bass line."

Shinji's brow furrowed as he attempted to recall what she described, remembering the odd sounds he created while attempting to tune the beaten instrument.

"You mean this one?" A resounding _dah-da-da_ accompanied the booming drums now as Asuka figured out her own cheery melody to add to the mix.

"_Now just add lyrics_" she thought.

"Hey Asuka, which one of us is supposed to sing?"

"Obviously me, idiot. Can't have anyone besides the face of the band doing that."

'_Fine by me, I wasn't too hyped about being forced to do something else I'm no good at._'

"You can help me with the lyrics later though."

'_Of course_'

"Lyrics don't just pop outta thin air, y'know." Shinji pointed out, still maintaining the basic bass line from earlier. "It's something you have to think about and really feel before you can express it."

The two girls immediately stopped playing and shared a derisive glance, which was when Asuka burst out into a fit of laughter.

"I can't with you, Shinji, you're too much" she said, doubled over her guitar. "This isn't our magnum opus in case you were wondering. It's just a practice song so we'll add random filler nonsense as we go along."

Asuka counted off the band again and they renewed their thumping, upbeat rhythm while she leaned into the microphone.

_All my life _

_There you go_

_Oh please stay_

_Just this once_

_Anyway_

_All my life _

_There they go _

_Oh please stay _

_Just this once _

_Anyway_

Feeling experimental, she began raking her pick over the lower frets of the guitar, eliciting a grating but strangely pleasing combination.

"Alright guys, I think that's good." She breathed out, feeling accomplished.

"Hey Asuka, I've been thinking: what's gonna be our band name?" Shinji asked.

"Hmm." In her hurry to get upstairs with the instruments, she'd completely forgotten to think of a decent name. "Well since I'm the frontwoman, I get to decide and I say we're Asuka Langely and the Sohryus."

She barely finished her suggestion when she heard the sound of a bass clunking to the floor and two unimpressed teens heading for the door.

"Wait, don't go!" she reached out to them "You guys can come up with names too!"

"How about Fightstar?" Shinji proposed. "I think that sounds like a pretty kick-ass name."

"_Ooooh_ I dunno about that." The two girls cringed simultaneously.

"Really Shinji, we get this unique opportunity and you want us to name our band Fightstar?" Asuka rallied against him. "Could you really not come up with a name that screams 'I'm fifteen and watch too much anime' any louder? Did your stooge friends already take Death Knuckles and Steelmonger?"

"It's true Shinji." Rei commented. "Your choice in titles is regrettably trite and juvenile."

"Alright, alright I get it." Shinji sank back into his own corner.

"I propose an alternative: we call ourselves Evvas."

Asuka scratched her head.

"You mean The Evas?"

"No, just Evvas" Rei responded, barely above a whisper. "With two vees."

"Now that's just dumb" Asuka scoffed.

"I dunno, I kinda like it" Shinji shrugged. "I mean I'm not too sure if you pronounce any different but it adds to the mystery."

Not wanting to risk losing her two bandmates again, Asuka sighed and relented.

'_Of course he'd take her side_'

"Fine, but it'll be a working title."

Several days of back-to-back practice did wonders for the band's cohesion. When the end of the week rolled around, they found themselves comparing lyrics they had written.

"Is this a joke?" Asuka frantically flapped the blank piece of paper in Rei's face.

"I told you I wished to do an instrumental track."

"We are most certainly not!" The redhead palmed her face and moved over to Shinji. "How about you, Stupid Shinji, whaddya got for me?"

He hesitantly handed her a small sheaf of slightly crinkled notebook pages dotted with heavy black crossings-out. Asuka took a look at the first song and began to read out loud:

_Got no car_

_Got no money _

_I got nothin' nothin' nothin' not at allll _

_Got no God_

_Got no girlfriend _

_And I know I know I know that neither wants meee_

"Shinji, what the hell is this?"

"You said we should write down how we feel inside, and this is what I came up with."

"Yeah but I thought we agreed on making something that a crowd would wanna get up and dance to" she continued to leaf through the packet "not go home and eat a shotgun."

"Well that's just the kinda guy I am, Asuka. Now since Rei doesn't have anything I'd like to get on with my next song."

'_Let the record show that the first time Shinji Ikari stood up for himself was to defend how depressing he was_' Asuka thought with a smirk.

"Lead away, maestro." She gestured to the open spot in front of the mic.

Taking in a deep breath, Shinji motioned for Asuka to play the opening riff he hastily scrawled on the paper.

_Green eyes, I'd run away with you_

_Green eyes, 'cause I'm a fool _

_I try running away _

_I'm just not fast enough_

_I'm just not fast enough_

Asuka smiled a bit, it might have been cheesy but coming from someone as repressed as Shinji it was positively heartfelt.

_My, my own friends_

_Hate my GUUUUTS_

_SO WHAAAT? AW, SO WHAAAAT_

Rei shot Asuka a quizzical eyebrow once the distortion-heavy chorus kicked in. The German could only offer a weak shake of the head.

_WHO GIVES A FUUUUUCK_

"Yeah Shinji, I think we get the idea."

"Did you guys like it?"

"It was definitely an improvement on your previous effort" Rei offered.

"See? We didn't _hate_ it but maybe should ease up a bit on the whole 'woe is me' Shinji Ikari Pity Party."

"And what of the songs you composed, Asuka?"

"Hmmph! As if I needed guidance like you newbies. I compose all my music on the spot, it's more raw that way."

"Wanna give it a shot then?"

"Give it here!" She lunged for the microphone, pushing Shinji away. "A one and-a-two and a one-two-three!"

Two weeks had passed since the fateful day when Evvas was birthed unto the world. As it was now, Shinji currently sat looking bored in classroom 2-A of Tokyo-3 High School. He leaned back to look at Rei, who seemed to be having a surprisingly animated conversation with Kaworu Nagisa, another student. That was when a message plinked into existence on his laptop's monitor.

BaddBxtch02: creeping on Wondergirl again I see

Shinji scoffed and typed a response of his own.

Fightstar: definitely not, she's like a sister to me

He wasn't lying, he'd known her about as long as he knew Asuka, watching the two grow side-by-side. With Rei it was a bit weirder though as there was always some unidentifiable element that made moments with her more awkward than they should have been between friends. Also, he wasn't a big fan of the insane amounts of hair dye she went through to keep her head bright and blue. However, he couldn't deny that the albino sometimes landed the odd role or two in his own private productions of Special Shinji Time in the shower.

BaddBxtch02: omg you actually changed your name to that stupid thing?

Fightstar: yeah, it's a free country

BaddBxtch02: lol whever you say shinji

BaddBxtch02: hey nagisas like staring at you right now

BaddBxtch02: but he isn't saying anything

BaddBxtch02: it's pretty creepy

Shinji turned around to spot Kaworu standing behind him with an anodyne smile plastered on his face.

"Hi Shinji!" the almost suspiciously Rei-like boy greeted him. "Nice weather we're having, no?"

'_Yeah, if you like sitting in ball soup and listening to cicadas all damn day_'

"It's pretty nice out I guess. So what's up?"

"Well as you know, I'm the chair of the programming committee and I handle school events, including the upcoming talent show."

"Okay…"

"And I was merely wondering if you and your band would like to play."

Shinji blinked. He leaned his head over to look at Rei, who shrugged her shoulders, and then to Asuka, who nodded eagerly.

"Yeah, we'll do it."

"Excellent, I look forward to performing with you."

"You're going to be in the show too?"

"Of course! I'll be doing a poetry reading myself."

'_He is that kinda guy I suppose_'

"That's great man, See you there."

Another plink from his laptop.

BaddBxtch02: better get ready shinji

BaddBxtch02: cause we're gonna MELT SOME FUCKIN FACES!11!1!

FIN PART ONE


End file.
